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recently i've been mulling over a phenomenon i've noticed between myself and one of my friends. it's this mysterious process in which i am completely unable to be myself around them. they are a casual friend, so someone i don't see that often, but just enough that i have been able to articulate clearly what this feeling is: it's as though someone is taking sandpaper to my spirit and muting me, taking off the shine and flow of my self and tossing a duller, more cumbersome version of me in my place. a drab little doppelganger. when i am around them, i actually feel like an actor saying lines i haven't thought enough about. or perhaps i have thought too much, but haven't found any interesting insights, so i say the lines as though they were important, but all the while grossly aware of my sham.

i thought going to radiohead with them*, spending a day with them, seeing thom with them, etc, my radiohead self would emerge in full glory. the inspired, alive, vibrant, vivacious nathania that nothing can put a cap on, but even she was no where to be seen on that day. at first i was surprised that this person could be the trump card even to thom yorke, but on thinking through, i realized it was more an indication of where i am currently and how i held myself back this tour (more on that later), rather than an indication of how much i stifle myself around my friend. the one time i could be myself around them was during a night of drinking. i...ahem...remember a little less than normal, but i was told i was pretty gloriously myself that night.

simultaneously, i've had the opportunity to witness someone who i feel suffers from the above around me. i am not gentle with them where i would like to be. i am not patient. i feel like my boundaries are violated by them just through a simple question or statement they speak. and these things reflect back to me the effect i may have on this other person above. and my mind and body shy away from the implications.

one of the great benefits of interacting with this other friend of mine is that whenever i am around them, i no longer try to take care of them, do or say things for their benefit, or accommodate them in this. i am typically the grand accomodator, so this has actually been a significant step forward, even if it's taken within somewhat less than comfortable circumstances.


*yes, this makes it rather apparent who it is and if, by some offchance, you are reading this, n.a.w., don't take it personally, this is all me pal. actually, you really should take this as a compliment. so few people really truly intimidate me, which you do, despite all your congeniality.

currently listening to: the eraser - thom yorke & in rainbows - radiohead (but i had to skip over the reckoner. too potent still.)