4.25.2012

unexpected prophets

i would like to mark how three voices in the past week have stepped forward out of nowhere and spoken to me in tenderness and strength, encouraging me to own my self. right now. as i am.

the first was by way of an anonymous comment left on my blog. as happens about once every six months, some nameless, faceless person stops by and speaks truth into the very thing i need to hear most. usually a thing i already know but am try my hardest to forget. one of those universal truths we all try our best to kick up some dust to veil it.

the comment came when my heart was already sore, a day or two after i had come to the end of waiting for news i knew/feared was only a matter of time before i received. i saw the email with the comment in it appear, felt the weight of it before my eyes took in any of the words, and asked a coworker to hold her thought {mid-sentence} as i read it once, silently. then twice, aloud to my co-worker. and the two of us sat in tears in our little office resonating in the truth of it. overflowing with gratitude and hope and sorrow.

in case you missed it, this is what they wrote in response to the entry give up the ghost:


i notice a lot of your posts of the past and present center around getting to the other side of where you are right now through some self imposed journey...as if once you just do these certain things you'll be better, more powerful, stronger, more talented, whatever...continuous self growth and expansion is essential in life, but i think it is possible that your thoughts and feelings around this are the root of any unhappiness, impatience, and frustration that you experience... it's like you're searching out there, in some other space in time, for when you get to be happy...but as long as you keep doing that, you will have no choice but to keep searching...you hold a lot of judgments on yourself and compare yourself with where others are, and that's not what it is about because you will never be them nor should you be...they are not more talented or genius or gifted or special...they just know and accept and cultivate who THEY are...cultivate self love and self acceptance of your own sweet self, which will bring you balance and presence in the now moment, and that's when your outward search will end and you will become grounded in your real power...there is no arrival, place to get at, person to become...it's all already within you. you're it,right now. 


the second prophet was by way of client from work. someone with whom i had an instantaneous connection to as soon as i walked into the room. the details of her struggles i cannot reveal due to work confidentiality, but we had a conversation about how our lives, despite looking so very different from the outside, have dealt with many of the very same issues of self-worth, addiction, faith, and strength. it was an incredible time i had in the room several weeks ago and it's been one of those run-ins that simmers in the memory, savored for its various tones and textures. 

and then today, out of the blue we're in contact again, confirming to the other how much we've both lingered in the memory of our exchange during the past few weeks. and the words she wrote to me, about me, in encouragement of me...again, i was in tears at the simple beauty and appreciation of it. and most importantly, her words were laced with the perfect dose of reflection allowing me insight into how i contribute to the situation i am currently butting my head against for the way-beyond-intolerable-number-th time. by shining a light on her own flaws, her own story, she reminds me that i am the only one getting in the way of what i want. 

i am the only one getting in the way of what i want.

two prophets speak the same message and in the same language. 

and the third? well, the third comes from my dear friend by way of a {seemingly} random meditation exercise she sent my way. the same message as the two above, but contained in this poem by mary oliver:

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save.

4.22.2012

a good day

and i am grateful. so grateful. grateful for what is without asking for more. grateful for what isn't, and knowing i can let go. grateful for the abundance of sun and friends and celebrations and connections both old and new. grateful for radiohead friends #10, #18 and #20, each in their own way.

thank you for a good day.

4.17.2012

untitled.

it's always interesting to me how much hope and heartache hold hands. interesting painful, but interesting none the less. i have a vision. i have clarity. i have truth and courage and the perfect space both inside and out. and perhaps most importantly, a growing ability for patience on my side.

it's only a matter of time.




oh, and yes, i have hope.
and luckily she holds hands with many.


..........................................................................................



here is justin vernon, singing to my spirit tonight.

{p.s. this song is to no one and everyone}

radiohead 2012 – notes from the lines

the first photos are from kansas city - 3.11.2012 
 {sadly no photos from st. louis way too cold and unpleasant to photograph
and they brought us into the venue about two hours before everyone expected}

a little nostalgic for the joys of waiting in line with good people all day. this ritual of lining up savors the build up to the event, stretching out a two hour concert until the flavor last all day, one sweet lick at a time. kansas city was stressful, the venue completely unsympathetic to the unfairness of their policy {those of us lined up as early as 6 and 7am were let into the venue at the same time as people walking up at 5/5:30 pm}, and the weather rainy. at least we had a reliable overhang and really great company.



this is radiohead friend #1. the first person i ever met at a show. he introduced 
me to the possibility of traveling to see the band with his errant comment 
i'm going to see them in santa barbara next week. and suddenly the next day 
at work i'm looking up tickets to los angeles a mere week away. that is the 
concert i went to and got into the after party. with the band. 
thank you mike. this is our 5th? show together.


this is radiohead friend #3, chris. we met at the los angeles airport. 
essentially i got into a car with two strange men {including jason, friend #2 who was
also at the seattle concert even though we didn't cross paths} and carpooled 2 1/2 hours 
to santa barbara together. it was chris' friend jim {radiohead friend #4} who got us
into the after party. chris has made it up to seattle for different events over the years
and i always call him every radiohead {or atoms for peace} show and leave him a
song voicemail. when thom yorke played all for the best live for us at roseland ballroom,
chris was on the other end of the line.



myndie i met at coachella {and again, it was mike who got 
me down there to see the final show of atoms for peace in 2010}. 
she, mike and i made this midwest trip together. myndie comes prepared. food. 
painkillers. space blankets. hotel reservations. aux cord for your ipod so you don't
 go crazy driving back across the state alone. you name it, she's thought to pack it. and 
despite her serious face, she packs about the kindest heart ever. best travel buddy.


these lovely gals were part of the team poncho who were our neighbors in line
for both the st. louis and kansas city shows. a few of them were in seattle as well.


deirdra. a lovely smile. you, my friend, need a radiohead number as well. 
another traveling hero of mine with kids and a job to manage.


meet michael & rachael. these are the lovelies standing next to us. 
michael is a wicked artist and took the photos of me below. 
we're going to be penpals. michael #15, rachael #16.


the woman behind me to my left is elaine. also a part of team poncho despite 
not wearing one, she is my hero. she's from my parent's generation and 
has seen a bazillion radiohead shows. she's been listening to them since 
the very beginning. this gives me faith that this isn't something to grow out
of, that this thrill, this resonance is timeless and universal and that
i don't have to settle into sedate life just because i have kids. 




these are from seattle.


erin, #14. we realized in kansas city that we're both from seattle
and that we share a pretty incredible mutual friend. yay for facebook
and drawing connections. {i was secretly hoping as we were waiting
for the internet gods to proclaim who the mutual friend is we share that it
wouldn't be someone annoying from highschool. thank goodness it was 
the very far opposite.} erin and i are going to have a date with my apartment soon.


mike again. feral as usual.


this man strolled up at 8am on monday morning, plopped down in line and
simply on merit of knowing how to dress with pizazz i knew we'd be friends.
turns out this is radiohead friend #18. a gem of a human being. only bummer is
that the light at 8am just glowed off the pink/purple accents in his outfit
and i can't believe i didn't snag a photo of it when i could.


the line. but we're at the very front.



4.16.2012

give up the ghost

i give up. but all i feel like i'm giving up is the ghost of an insubstantial thing i have tried so hard to breathe life into.

at times i admit, i failed. my grip tightened, the gentle stirrings crushed, but trust me when i say it took every ounce of concentration to loosen the vice of my scared fingers that were holding on to something,  anything, to safety. but i have learned, please believe me, i have, and i have leaned closer to that gentle balance than i ever have managed before. it wasn't easy. it never is when you are pushing at the boundaries of oneself. and these weren't easy lines i trenched. the deepest running, the truest cutting.

yes, i have learned a lot.

but i give up.

tonight.

now.

i think i should give up the ghost in your arms.


i give up the ghost of my own fears, the ghost of my restless patience, the ghost of my silence. and i have no idea what is on the other side, but the line was crossed and finally i am pushed to find out why and ask if i am getting anywhere in the process.


.............................................

thank you, thom, this song will serenade me my luck. one of the sleeper songs of radiohead's newest album. i saw it saw performed once two years ago in new york city...i didn't realize it would hit so hard this tour but it always found its way through to the tender spots that were already showing.

don't hurt me.
don't haunt me.


4.09.2012

3/3

as it is past midnight, later today i'll be seeing radiohead for the third and final time of this tour. it's going to be good night, i already know and special in a way i can't foresee. i'm not sure how to explain it beyond that and there is no reason for my premonition beyond a calm certainty i felt pretty strongly while traveling to see the first two shows. seattle will be the crowning delight. seattle will be a special show. 

so here i am: overdue for sleep and with an alarm set to blast an hour or three before my body would prefer, but it's going to be a good day in line. even a bit of good weather i see. and i am ready for the ride that will be tomorrow's show.

i'm bringing a friend who wasn't seen them before. in fact, this is the friend i made at bon iver back in september, and as you can see from the post script of that entry, i knew it was only a matter of time before we saw radiohead together.


and putting a few things into words tonight, i realized a big piece of how i experience radiohead live is centered around the fact that even though i am loving every minute of the concert, carried away by the life and energy of it all, that the experience is laced with a slow and steady heartache that i was not chosen to be the kind of conduit thom yorke is. i will not move people in the way he does with such searing truth and in such great numbers. i lack that genius. i lack that focus. i lack something, i know this. we can't all be special. we can't all move the world. but i harbor the desire {not of my own volition for the most part} and i guess what i am facing today {for the 11th time} is a deep disappointment that i won't ever accomplish what he has accomplished even as i sit and watch and love the artist who somehow did get that opportunity and gift.



see you on the other side.


{top photo: from the st. louis show. 
bottom photo by elaine zeman: there i am in the dead 
center of the frame. on the rail at kansas city, rapt}



4.04.2012

snow day

the apartment was unpacked, the first dinner/birthday party already held, so sunday became a fun day. a play day. a romp up a BIG hill and see some snow day.

we hiked four miles up mt. si at a steady pace. the snow was the first i'd seen in over a year. it was a good stretch for my body and a restful time of quiet for my mind. snow absorbs more than sounds, it absorbs thoughts too and as so infrequently happens for me, my mind was meandering along without giving too much credence to the thoughts running through it. simply a companion joining in the day's fun rather than a bully lording over it.

it was a good day.

except my hiking buddy wouldn't let me take the photos of him i'd have liked. those orange gloves...


  Big Si