i give up. but all i feel like i'm giving up is the ghost of an insubstantial thing i have tried so hard to breathe life into.
at times i admit, i failed. my grip tightened, the gentle stirrings crushed, but trust me when i say it took every ounce of concentration to loosen the vice of my scared fingers that were holding on to something, anything, to safety. but i have learned, please believe me, i have, and i have leaned closer to that gentle balance than i ever have managed before. it wasn't easy. it never is when you are pushing at the boundaries of oneself. and these weren't easy lines i trenched. the deepest running, the truest cutting.
yes, i have learned a lot.
but i give up.
tonight.
now.
i think i should give up the ghost in your arms.
i give up the ghost of my own fears, the ghost of my restless patience, the ghost of my silence. and i have no idea what is on the other side, but the line was crossed and finally i am pushed to find out why and ask if i am getting anywhere in the process.
.............................................
thank you, thom, this song will serenade me my luck. one of the sleeper songs of radiohead's newest album. i saw it saw performed once two years ago in new york city...i didn't realize it would hit so hard this tour but it always found its way through to the tender spots that were already showing.
don't hurt me.
don't haunt me.
1 comment:
i notice a lot of your posts of the past and present center around getting to the other side of where you are right now through some self imposed journey...as if once you just do these certain things you'll be better, more powerful, stronger, more talented, whatever...continuous self growth and expansion is essential in life, but i think it is possible that your thoughts and feelings around this are the root of any unhappiness, impatience, and frustration that you experience... it's like you're searching out there, in some other space in time, for when you get to be happy...but as long as you keep doing that, you will have no choice but to keep searching...you hold a lot of judgments on yourself and compare yourself with where others are, and that's not what it is about because you will never be them nor should you be...they are not more talented or genius or gifted or special...they just know and accept and cultivate who THEY are...cultivate self love and self acceptance of your own sweet self, which will bring you balance and presence in the now moment, and that's when your outward search will end and you will become grounded in your real power...there is no arrival, place to get at, person to become...it's all already within you. You're it,right now.
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