triple threat

this week in the artist's way, we're asked to give up reading for the week. no novels. no newspapers. no internet news. whatever. many people are threatened by this, but it's not my thing. it's not the obstacle i face in cutting to the chase and getting on with my life. we discussed this in the art mentoring group that meets to work through the course and most of us agreed that this was not our battle. reading is actually a sign i'm doing something healthy. i'm either at the gym on the elliptical or taking a moment's breather in my life and savoring a story.

so we got to brainstorming the things that might be our battle. what are the activities that are a time suck? a minion of that evil foe, procrastination? a ready excuse for not doing the thing i really need/want the most at that time? what would threaten me most if you said i couldn't do it? even for a week.

1. doing things for other people.
2. being creative.
3. checking things off to do lists {even just mental ones}.

last friday night, i forced myself to not doing anything i should all day. it was my second day of recovery and i did a pretty good job most of the day just doing what i wanted (including eating breakfast of crunchy puff chips). i didn't leave the house all day. just made/ate good food and read and lounged. but on toward the evening i got the itch where i just wanted to do something important. like a project. or a task or something that would be on a list that i could cross off, even something as simple as feeding my plants or straightening the surface of my desk.

but i drew a hard and fast line. this was a day of rest. sacred sabbath. take a bath. relax. but i had hit a wall of restlessness. frustration. uselessness. and i didn't know what to do.

lingering in this discomfort, i realized i use the tasks, even the wonderful ones i savor, as a way of hiding from this layer of self-critical mush. it was not an attractive part of me, but i forced myself to not just cover it up with noise {even pretty noise of art making or postcard writing or cleaning or anything "productive"}.

eventually i settled down with a book and plowed through to the end. it was the book thief. and it was a beautiful ending that needed to be read at home {as opposed to in public, like on an elliptical}, but i so rarely give myself the time and space to read for the sake of reading these days. i don't take time to relax.

it's always the relentless pressure to do to do to do to do todotodotodotodotodotodo and it never ends. and it encroaches on my time to sleep and my time to be. so i'm ungrounded and less efficient and feel the need to consume my time with things of capital "s" Significance and in turn i have to burn the midnight oil and get not enough sleep the next night too. und so weiter. und so weiter.

vicious cycle.

and i know i wanted to take these ideas further, but it's midnight and i just can't be bothered.

yes. shocking i know. typically sleep has the last priority. not that i'll be cashing in the hours tonight, but it's a start.

and so, goodnight.