restlessness

i can't let myself not "do" something. it's been a struggle today to just be at home and not find little chores and things for me to do. accomplish. check off a list. i stayed home sick today to give myself another day of recovery, which i think was needed. even standing up for the duration of my shower and cooking two fried eggs was exhausting, but at the same time i have enough energy to finish my packages for ellie and ross, rinse and spray the two plants i have that are breeding the little white flies. sweep my floor in my room, etc.

it's just really rare for me to sit in quiet spaces and not feel the driving need to complete something. i've realized today how much satisfaction i derive from that process and it's not healthy. i won't let myself rest. i rarely let myself relax. i think it's part of the reason i haven't seen many movies in the past few months. i've let this driving force kill some of my loves and leave them by the wayside.

what other things have i abandoned?

reading for the joy of reading (not as an incentive to go to the gym and stay on the elliptical for 45-60 minutes)
writing letters and postcards
sending care packages
knitting
contact improv
cooking
going on walks
the list continues