this was the first time i couldn't write about the class afterwards. i wrote an email to a friend in order to come down from the experience then went to bed. here is a communicator conversation from this morning:
katharine: how was acting?
me: uhmm....yeah. let's just say i hit a well of grief and fury.
not even anger.
it was way passed anger.
and.
she wouldn't let me go until i let it out
and it was huge.
and brilliant.
and scary.
and i wanted to demolish the class.
every.
single.
one.
of.
them.
katharine: ...!!!???......wow
me: and after i finished, jesse went, was done quickly, and then came over and sat holding me.
for as long as i needed.
katharine: oh nat
me: i know.
and it was funny because him coming over to me was 1. exactly what i needed and 2. brought up this second, smaller wave of grief. of my disbelief that i deserve to be cared for and taken care of by a man.
katharine: yes
me: the exercise is pretty simple. you walk back and forth across the room and just try to walk "normal"a lumpy unconcscious walk as you go to the bathroom in the morning
and after you've found that place, she lets you focus on one aspect, one thing that's happening in that walk and to live into that.
like maybe the extra swing in your right hip, the forward sway of your shoulder, the roll of your head, something.
and make it bigger.
and live into that motion with the whole body.
and let it surprise you.
katharine: .....
me: but for me, i was walking "normal" for quite a while and i think it's because i didn't hear her cue to start taking on the movement, so i felt like i was doing it wrong and she thought i just couldn't find anything.
but i didn't want to break out of the excercise to ask, so i just kept walking, and she had me looking at the class which brought up soooo much for me in terms of being watched, or whatever.
it was huge. and as i finally did go into the movement, i had so much rage from them watching, but i kind of let it die. i saw on the map that there be dragons and i turned around and went to safer waters.
but i think/know she saw that.
and so she kept me there.
and kept me there.
and it changed and i became tired.
and it changed again and again and suddenly the rage was there and each time i turned and headed back to the class, i seriously just wanted to hurt them.
so i put that in my movements.
every ounce of it.
because they were watching me in my ugliness.
in my mistakes.
katharine: (my breathing is quickening)
me: eden. i can't even begin to tell you how big this was.
i felt beat up all night.
my body feels so worn today.
my lower back is really sore today.
i wonder if that's where the grief and rage hides.
katharine: hmmm
me: and later, when we talked about the exercise, three people at different times called out the experience of watching me go through that. jesse said it was by far the most compelling for him to watch.
another woman (the one of the you are annoying and hysterical laughter) commented on it as well
katharine: yes
me: and each time it was named, robin turned and looked at me. and didn't just look at me, she held my gaze for seconds. each time.
it was a beautiful acknowledgement of a success, because she so rarely does that. it was like george's smile that says "go back and make sure you realize all the glory of that moment/s"
katharine: go back
go back
yes
wow. nat.
nat.
me: yeah. ede. yeah. it's so there.
i have this thing in me, both as an actor and as a person living/needing to grieve and be angry.
and how the two have such a beautiful symbiotic relationship
and they will dance together for the rest of my journey.
katharine: ......
me: and, the fact that i didn't check it after i was "done"
katharine: check it, as in, close it up
me: (yes) i wanted to crumple up into a ball, but she made me stand up, get some water, and i stood there in the aftermath and then sat and then allowed jesse to come and open another space in me. a softer one.
and accept it with tenderness to myself and him.
katharine: hm
me: i have had so much hard rejection of any attentions (male) towards me lately...
it's so hard to accept. i'm overwhelmed by self rejection every time.
every. time.
and so i'm always going in two directions at once...yes please, and fuck you, you are mocking me.
katharine: but it doesn't really matter....right now. you experience
me: yes, no, i get what you are saying, and i've been fighting the experience i have been having. here be dragons and i tuck tail and run in the opposite direction and in the meantime throw a harpoon in the general direction of the offender.
i remember the first time i felt this much rage. it was in a counseling session when i was in new york. and after i went off and really really got angry, at the end, in the silence, she said, "this is what you want to give your audience"
and i didn't believe i would be able to find that again, or be generous enough to give it really. but there it is....how many years later?
katharine: generous.........!!.......
how lovely a word to put there
me: yes.
katharine: yes
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