radiohead nightmare

i think it was sometime this weekend that i had a dream about radiohead.

i was seeing them play, and it was the santa barbara trip, but everything about it was wrong. the venue was ugly and sparsely filled. thom was a fat, old man with a hairy chest and no shirt. he was pathetic. the music was awful. and i was put off. the dream began not too soon before i realized it was the last part of the encore and i should be paying attention, this should be important, but i just couldn't get past the distaste. later, i watched my friend who got me into the after party {in real life} walk up to security and wave his pass and go in without a backward glance. i tried to get his attention, but he was already moving away. in the dream, it wasn't that he didn't know me, but somehow that i was being disregarded. ignored.

it was a really disturbing dream that i can't seem to shake and it's been surfacing at unexpected moments. like in the aftermath of monday's pretty tough meisner session where a lot of things i didn't want to look at lingered just beyond the reach of words. i couldn't make the last leap to articulate them but their effects were felt all thirty minutes of our practice and they came later with signifiers as i was driving away {you make me feel ugly. you make me feel like i'm not enough. you make me feel like i'm too much.} in the several minutes of release after the exercise ended, i sat hovering on the edge of tears for quite a while. my classmate asked if i was okay. i just sat. wordless. and when i tried to speak, the dream was the first image that came to mind.

i still can't make heads or tails . 2+2 still make a 5.