meisner - day 5

today was in a class of its own.

sitting across from me, she observed you are full of hope. and i repeated it. a few times. until i realized how much the opposite is true and the bittersweet feeling of hope and hopelessness shouted their mingled {mangled} presence inside of me.

and then she said you are crying.

hope has been such a loaded theme in my life. particularly this past year. it's one of the beautiful traits of nathania. yet it walks the line between being a positive/resonant force in my life and conversely a denial of reality. a tool to ignore grief. a reason to keep from changing or taking action.

as soon as she sat down, the next woman asked what would lift your spirits right now? the irony that she couldn't possibly foresee is that the first thing that would come to my mind is something i am increasingly feeling hopeless about. it's not a huge tragedy, nor would getting it be a huge victory {i say this realizing i may be underestimating myself here}, but receiving it would lift my spirits.

the next time i sat down tonight, i had a completely opposite experience. rather than sitting across from a deeply connected friend, i sat across someone new. someone with whom i had to reach for a connection. perhaps too far. she said a little ways in you're annoying. wham! that hit me hard. i repeated it searching for sympathy. emphasizing my earnestness. i think i found it.

at the mid-way point, we ran into a giggle. innocuous at first it escalated. and escalated. and escalated to some of the biggest laughs i have ever given or received. i said you have a glorious laugh. and we repeated it when we were able to even inhale.

{no, breathing was not a given during this laughter}.

later i said you shriek when you laugh. and we shrieked. we stomped. we bellowed. she said you're crying. and i was again, but for the completely opposite reason.
it was marvelous.
it was madness.

and the laughter was so alive, it had a mind of its own and it took us places we couldn't foresee. we spent forever there. minutes. hours. lifetimes. there was no exit.

and still we kept going.

until she leaned over and i said you're crying. and these were tears of grief. a heaviness. a mystery. it was full circle.

we eased to a close and i thanked her. it was such a gift of self. somehow. this cycle through a near conflict to something so real and powerful it spilled out of our bodies and splashed to the floor. we were drenched and enjoying the experience of clothes sticking to our bodies. they weren't going to come off easily, but the struggle was amazing.



i got home, and needed a shower to ease the headache that had replaced the emotional high. god, i love class.



currently listening to: second brain - kaki king.