a pattern emerges

when i'm sick i always hit a point of anger. how dare my body do this to me. this is a betrayal. an injustice.

the anger is laced with helplessness. i can't possibly take more antibiotics just a month and a half after the last dose. i can't stop the pain. i can't control this relapse. will there be more?

at some point, depending on the circumstances, i hit a wall of grief {usually aided and abetted by exhaustion and pain}, and it lets me curl up and release. it might be 30 seconds, it might be 10 minutes. but it flows from me with a purity and ease that always amazes me. a young child takes the helm and makes herself known. and then it's gone and i move on.

i realize what has to happen and put one foot in front of the other and move calmly towards the goal. i get up at 1am and buy 100% cranberry juice. i pick out a comfort read on the shelf to distract me from my body. i draw up a bath. i send in my email to my boss saying i won't make it to work the next day. and later i make the phone calls, doctors appointments, and pharmacy runs. these things move forward and i am {not resigned. not hopeless. just....} matter of fact.

then i find a place where i can actually care for myself. baby myself. treat myself with tenderness. these are the moments where i find a nice comfort food and purchase it no matter how frivolous {today it was "tings" - these lovely crunchy chips - and organic red grapes}. i while away hours in bed with a book and rest without a thought of how else i can/should spend my time. dishes get left undone. i eat whenever/whatever i fancy. i give myself a freer reign. i give voice to my whims and my exhaustion without censorship or excuses.

and, something i've noticed before but never fully articulated: i don't listen to music. it takes up too much energy and requires too much effort to participate in the space it creates. and this tells me how much music stirs me.

and it tells me that i have better boundaries when i'm sick. i can go there. i can't go there. things are clear.

i listen to myself and treat her well.


currently listening to: nothing. blessed nothing.