yes. i know very few reading will not groan inwardly to see that nine letter word gracing the title of this email.
but.
i.
can't.
help.
it.
their music gives life to a part of me that i can't really fully explain. describe. articulate into english or any other language for that matter. even art. which hurts the most. i want to make art that speaks of how my self can be moved to these places. of what colors i sense when i am living in their songs. at the beauty and vibrancy i discover time and time again just by entering the doorway their music provides.
i want to create art that offers doorways like this to other people.
and in the meantime, i know i have been walking the yellow brick road of the recent radiohead tour hoping to find something/anything at the other end. an emerald city. a wizard. a magical spell to get back to my very own kansas. something. and it's been a journey i still have not found words to use to preserve it. i need to find an assemblage of verbal formaldehyde. something, anything to tether the entirety of my experience at the three shows this summer {and perhaps, more importantly, what i have left in my hands after the shows}.
and the driving desire to go back and rewrite (yes, i have several drafts) and reremember is still strong and i've been futilely struggling with something in me that is preventing me from going back to such a tender and charged place.
and.
it's coming back in bits and bobs with the approach of the spring '09 tour to central and south america.
it turns out that the brazil shows are happening before my class gets out and those are the ones i had my heart set on. i can make it to chile for two days at a festival, but i don't really want to wade through a whole festival to see them. and for some reason, chile doesn't have as much excitement for me as brazil does.
and rustling up from somewhere {or nowhere} are questions such as: why this driving need to see them? will you actually let yourself feel the show now {i failed three times in a row this summer}? is it really worth the time and money? sure if i had the latter growing on trees, but it would be a s t r e t c h for me to make it, so why am i willing to stretch so far to see them without first considering spending the money you really don't have anyway to see my father who is going blind from diabetes over in austria?
and a few answers surface as well: yes, i think i will let myself feel. i had a breakthrough in acting class that i think relates, of anticipating an emotional result and stopping myself from experiencing anything. it shouldn't be a problem. and yes, it would be worth the time and money. and of course you would rather go on an adventure down to a continent you haven't been to yet and see your favorite artist of all time. you know your trip with you dad will be hard for so many reasons.
i wish it weren't an either or. i wish i could do both. i wish i could just go and see. see. see. and live. and experience and get to go to these shows as much as i wanted. to drink in these moments of complete artistic inspiration. they are the best moments of life and so why does there have to be such a fight to have them?
currently listening to: radiohead on shuffle, but punchup at a wedding just finished and now a live version of idioteque is next in the queue which was replaced by scatterbrain.
No comments:
Post a Comment