meisner - day 17 {hell hath no fury}

we were on fire. pretty literally.

every class we have two people working on each exercise. one person is inside the room doing a very physically difficult task that is motivated by circumstances that are life altering. these can be good life altering or bad life altering. the person coming into the room is also coming from circumstances that are life altering, but their circumstances are tied to the person in the room. somehow the person inside caused this thing to happen, and they will either want to blame them or feel thankful for them.

hopefully i'm not being too confusing.

so, last night, i was inside preparing the room for my little brother. he was returning from iraq paralyzed from the waist down. he had to move in with me rather than his parents because i lived closer to the medical facilities he would need.

i was going to set up the bed with my red comforter. and the couch would hold a diptych of a flock of birds i painted - set in front of the bed so he could always look at them. my computer would be set up on the bedside table that was a crate, just like i use in my spaces. dvds and books and my music collection would be put out in easy reach. i was going to change into my radiohead t-shirt i got down in santa barbara when he bought me my pit ticket. i had a beeswax candle and a paper weight with a dandelion in it for him. and lastly, i was going to install a string of lights above his bed in the shape of a tree {half the celtic tree of life which is tattooed on his calf}.

that was, until my partner came in and the argument started. from moment number one we were at odds. at each other's throats. and pretty quickly the yelling started. and i got more mad at someone i have ever been in my entire life. ever. and i didn't check it like i would in the real world.

and i think the moment that still haunts me a little is when i saw him stumble backward a bit and this look of anger and shock registering on his face and i realized my hands in between us were the ones that had pushed him of their own volition. the actor inserted asserted itself for a second to say don't hurt him and then the argument resumed.

i wasn't even thinking. i didn't have to. stuff flew out of my mouth as though it was true we've been together for 6 months and you don't even know what branch of the military my brother is in? and how can you compare a stupid ex girl friend to the loss of some one's limbs?!?!?!

i'm getting worked up again just thinking about it. i was on fire. swathed in this vibrant cloak of fury and it was probably the most real piece of acting i have ever done. ever. and i get now how just packing the circumstances with truths that are important to me or i can connect to will make me come alive in ways i don't even understand. that it frees me to accept things and live them truthfully {like the fact that this man was my boyfriend of six months and even the fact that my brother was so seriously injured} without having to think about them.

and he stormed out. and i let him go. and then went to the door and shouted something at his back - i don't even remember what. and robin let me return to my activity for quite a while. i tried unsuccessfully to untangle the lights so i could hang them, but i was shaking too much. threw them down. did a few other things. came back to the lights. i paused with the heaviness of it all then resumed my futile attempts. it felt like a long time of wrestling and seething. and then she let me finish.

i went out to get my partner to contact him (a theater technique of "exiting" the circumstances) and pretty much threw myself into his arms. and we just stood there. for a long while, as i shook and he gently patted the back of my head.

then we went inside to discuss it with the teacher. no notes of constructive criticism, just acknowledgment of breakthroughs. and it was almost comical how easily we could slip back into the space while discussing our individual circumstances. after i made you dinner and did all those nice things for you!?!?! then: wait, breathe. scootch and put an arm on him and remind yourself that wasn't real, nathania. then: i can't believe you were still thinking about her! the momentum was really powerful.

later, with cheeks still warm from the heat and body still a little jittery, i had to make sure he was okay for receiving that much anger, which, growing up, was reserved only for my father to express. and yes, of course, he was. and even hours later when i went to bed, my heart was still racing and my mind was playing through the argument like a loop and finding things i wish i had said, or points i wish i had made, which was curious, because it wasn't a real argument.

i couldn't even contemplate sleep because i was so antsy, so i pulled out my journal and began to write:

my heart is still racing from imaginary circumstances. my heart is still racing from imaginary circumstances. my heart is still racing from imaginary circumstances.

again and again until i found the big slice of truth i hadn't realized was staring me in the face. he had hit the jackpot with one of my biggest fears: there being another woman who means more. which, the ex of his circumstance obviously had. after six months of helping him through really tough times {he had lost his job, borrowed my car, stayed at my place, etc} he was still thinking of someone else.

and that, coupled with being completely present with me in our conflict, was a brilliant gift on his part.


i love being an actor.