move out/in - day one

i drove away from my ballard house this morning and almost got teary-eyed realizing this was the last time i would drive to work from this house. it's been a densely steeped ten months. and well worth the oftentimes bitter flavors.

as i shed this next layer of skin, i am in touch with sloughing off more than just disappointment, i am letting go of the illusions of perfection i have kept tightly bound to my memories of jaimini. even in the face of some cowardly and hugely insensitive decisions on his part, i kept him glued to the pedestal of all things wonderful. and that's not fair. to him or me. and somehow it's been within this process of moving that i've come to terms with a greater sense of truth and peace and forgiveness. for both of us.

it happened when taking down the hook i had specifically put up for his set of keys {a mere day or two before things started to unravel}. i found it in packing up the kitchen where we cooked a few meals during that last week. in leaving behind the bed we dreamt our converging dreams in. the rooms we painted.

all the hopes, no matter how temporary are tied to this space. as well as the fears and grief {though the worst of that was thankfully spent during the weeks of house sitting - a huge gift to be able to leave behind those spaces}.

and there is no regret in closing the door for the last time on these things.

and i have a softness for us. and most especially for myself. for letting myself be led down the path that evidently i needed to travel in order to reach these places that i have been able to go. it unhemmed me and revealed all this stitching gone awry and the last ten months have been a sacrifice for myself. to pick out/rip/tear each stitch. and yet i am more in touch with the fact that there are no mistakes here. no accidents. no user errors. just a path traversed and lessons learned.

and most importantly: i have finally come to terms with the fact that i needed a relationship as real and intense and serious as ours to take me to these places i needed to rework. nothing shy of meeting someone i felt i could marry would have forced me to where i have gone. and for that, i am grateful. forever and ever.



so, it's the next chapter. the next offering on the alter to myself and my connectivity to the people and spaces around me. it's to my growth as an actor. as a real city dweller. as an artist who emits her colors in the smallest of moments stolen between 10:15 & 10:16 each morning or in the grandest of schemes like a class that draws me irrevocably forward as a performer and as a human being.

so, to life and my new nest:

this kitchen isn't for shorties. notice how i'm standing on my toes to reach this shelf.

currently listening to: my belly gurgle it's appreciation of the lovely pho i fed it looong after it passsed the 'so hungry i could eat a horse' stage. contemplating the coconut milk ice cream downstairs. mmm...mint chocolate chip and a bath....{i got both the ice cream and that bath}