one down. three to go.
it was that golden final day of the quarter where no matter how hard i tried, i thought {even if it's just that small naive part of my brain} that everything i've twisted my whole soul learning these past eleven weeks will miraculously show up with flashing lights. pretty colors. etc. etc.
and it didn't tonight. and it felt like i had to try. and even then it felt like it wasn't working. i checked impulses. i couldn't go to those daring places that so many other of the classmates found. i pounded on the gates but i didn't let myself in.
and.
and.
a
n
d.
i'm doing a fair job of keeping the self criticism at bay.
b
e
c
a
u
s
e
i know the glories of this quarter. i know them. the intense moments of breakthrough that happened with all the pomp and circumstance one could imagine, but never when one expected them. and i can trace them in patterns on my memory's skin. they have left their mark and
i can plot my growth on a graph.
landmark moments:
..............................................
sitting with jenn in one of the early weeks and repeating her reflection i am full of hope until i faced the hopelessness hibernating just beneath my skin.
...................................
sitting with another and sharing the biggest laughter i have seen or felt. laughter riding the crumbling edge of hysteria.
..............
the first walking exercise where robin pushed me to the point of rage. violent. destructive rage. and i stormed back and forth across the floor until my feet went numb.
.....................................................
letting go of results and really truly feeling the loss of my family's photo albums. and giving it to my partner. and the moment in the exercise where i suddenly started laughing.
..........................................................................................................
and the next class. same partner. sharing the gift of anger built up and given to another.
.............
and perhaps, most importantly, this steadily evolving sense of self awareness that i have never before experienced. an ability to hear my inner voice in a new way. the static on the line has dropped away. and my truths rest closer to my lips.
the entire ensemble is amazing.
robin is amazing.
i am looking forward to the break. to having all my evenings to my own bidding.
but i am also looking forward to next quarter with one part wonder + one part excitement + one part complete and utter terror. along with assigning us to read three plays during the break, we're supposed to ask ourselves what it is in ourselves that is hidden. what parts do we keep others from seeing.
i'm pretty sure i know:
my sensuality.
and my violence.
and i think the first scares me the most. violence, while it will be scary to find those places and explore them in class, is also something that no one will actually think i carry with me. will be at risk of letting out. will inhabit.
whereas, desire and sensuality? these are things that i secretly do want to own in myself and if they see these parts of me, they will also see {and judge} me for how little i deserve to be sensual or desire someone or something. how unfitting i am. unattractive. etc. etc. {insert further lies about self-image here.}
it's going to be an interesting semester.
but till then, a glorious break.
currently listening to: candyland - cocorosie
No comments:
Post a Comment