i wasn't waiting for santa

i couldn't get to sleep until three am. plus or minus. and my mind keep circulating back through my memories of being a kid and not being able to go to sleep the night before christmas.

i have two very distinct memories of trying to get to sleep on christmas eve.

the first was in alabama. thirty three adams street. the house we left when i was in first grade. i was sleeping on a mattress in my sibling's room for some reason. my father was out of town. my mother came in and lay down next to me and either took a nap, or feigned sleep to help relax me. the house was completely asleep and i was the only one (as far as i could tell) with my eyes wide open listening for some sound from santa. i did hear some noises that would have otherwise scared me if i didn't think it was santa delivering his gifts. i think i also briefly suspected my it was my father coming home late to surprise us. perhaps he was due back at some point after my 8pm bed time. i'm not sure what noises i did hear since it obviously wasn't the former, but i defintely heard noises.

the second was also in alabama. seventy-ten hampton road. we left this house at the end of fourth grade. i was sleeping on the left side of the room. i think the beds were stacked (bunkbeds). i had the top bed and sabertooth (our faithful black cat) was in bed with me. i no longer listened for santa, but i was so excited i was having problems sleeping. trying to force myself to sleep so the morning would come faster, i started counting to 100. i may have had to do it more than once.

last night, lying in my own bed, i suddenly recalled the green carpeting of the hampton road house. it had a vine-like relief pattern. it was a desaturated green. much preferable to the vivid orangey-red shag carpet of the hallway. obnoxiously good at hiding sabertooth when the hall light was off. he particularly enjoyed springing from the shadows of the doorways and wrapping his paws and teeth around our unsuspecting legs.

i also remember the feeling of being awake in a quiet house. it's a particular kind of aloneness whether or not one is afraid of the dark, which, i admit i have been on and off depending on the h0use (yes, even as an adult).

but i'm not afraid of dark spaces, even open doorways, in my new space.

merry christmas. past, present and future.




currently listening to: ten people up stairs making way too much noise for my oversaturated senses. perhaps the midol is wearing off.