i missed the bus to work today.

taking the bus to work will do wonders for my sense of punctuality because i can't just be on time for the bus, i have to be at least 4 minutes early in case she decides to pull away a minute or two early. again. my penance for being late was sitting on the freezing metal bench while waiting for the next one 36 minutes later. seriously, who puts metal heat-leaching seats at an outdoor bus stop?!?! this isn't hawaii, folks!

i did get my three pages of free association writing in for the day. that was something. and then i nodded off for the rest of the trip to work.



something i did run into this morning {further proof that the way we do the little things is the way we do the big things} was this reluctance to change course once i had missed the bus. i had decided to take the bus this morning and take it i would. even if it made more sense to walk back home and drive myself so that i could bring my sister this large plastic bin i don't need any more and maybe clear out some boxes to boot. i could have taken the bus tomorrow instead and been on time both days.

but.

i couldn't. i sat on the freezing cold bench in this state of perpetual indecision and finally realized i couldn't change my plan because that would have been admitting a failure. a failure for me getting up in time in the morning, a failure of setting boundaries the night before so i could get to bed on time {oh, i'll unpack just one more box of books...after this next one...}, and perhaps most of all, a failure of something i had already invested my time and interest in: taking bus this morning.

and that last bit really is the key. i don't like letting go of things where i have invested something. anything. because i want the investment to prove worthy. i want to have my input reciprocated. i want to see something come back to me forcing this other thing/person/event to be a mirror of myself, and if it reflects a failure then i'm a failure too.

i see this most often in relationships. things i should let die but can't because of what will that say about my ability to understand and empathize with others. i have left myself high and dry in some pretty destructive situations because i didn't want to break away from someone and forever be a terriblenogood sort of person. and even in the case of casual friends, i find myself maintaining several very...uninspiring "friendships" with people i don't connect with on a significant level out of some misplaced sense of obligation. not that everyone who i interact with has to be able to relate in these deep and meaningful ways, but merely that there needs to be some form of kinship and delight that i share with another person, even if it's just that this person has good taste in shoes, loves the red tree or possesses a quirky sense of humor.

so in a way, missing the bus provided an illuminating dilemma. my radar is now trained on these things in my life that have passed their pull date, even by a few seconds, so that i can begin to make some adjustments and let things go without threatening my sense of self worth. i've got a great sense of momentum on this task already since i just went through all my possessions while packing and let go of the things that no longer have significant meaning or potential. actually, i'm still going through things as i settle in to the new place. every thing i recyle or take to good will or trash takes a mountain off by back.

bit by bit i'm sloughing off this old skin.

what a glorious start on my 27th year. all because of a move i didn't want to make. funny that.