night 38 {water dreams}

the dream i had last night won't leave me. lots of skin. water. the driving desire to connect--the expectation of disappointment. surprise. more desire. the gentle tilt of that pelvic triangle curling toward another. contact. connection but still chaste. sweet instead of sexy. not that it wasn't. it was. teasingly so.

i am lying now in an entirely different bed, and different city, rubbing my eyes like an exhausted child not sure what to do next. email sent. request made. but still overwhelmed by the intersection of what i want, what i can't seem to manifest, and how i can go about taking responsibility for the things i do to get in the way of myself. get in the way of what i want. it seems so close at times only to disappear just as quickly. more than once.

here we are again and i am tired of playing the fool card. tired of falling back on hope and mostly just plain old tired tonight.

dreams, please be quieter, restful, and if they must come with intensity, least let them tell me something i can do about the situation.

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last night where i had this dream was spent at my sister's. i have returned there three times. we dumped our life out on the bed, eyes bloodshot from 3 1/2 hours in the car, peering through the rain and holding on to the wheel much tighter than i needed to. tonight, i am back in my current bed, happy to be home again.

nomad nate, writing from sozoo {south of the zoo} neighborhood, seattle, washington.

night 37

it's not a coincidence that i have traveled more and been more mobile since leaving my apartment. lacking a loyalty to a specific space, without the physical groundedness and obligation of chores and commitments, other cities and spaces are open to me and far more accessible.

last night, to get a little bit of far-away-friend time, i drove down to portland with my mom {who needed to see her own far away friends} and spent the first night of this nomadic journey not on a physical bed. an air mattress is still a bed though and certainly not the couch off to the left of the photo that would not have been able to contain the length of my legs, much less the fullness of my entire height {live your height nat, live it gloriously}. so here i am, night 37 in portland, oregon, staying with a good friend, visiting with another {who is like speaking to an oracle of myself 5 years years into the future}, doing a little bit of fun and spontaneous shopping while also taking a little personal time in a cafe to write draft #1.5 of a piece i'm working on and can't wait to tell you about.

currently writing from fresh pot coffeehouse, mississippi st, portland, oregon.

hawaii

long overdue. thanks for your patience. bon apetite.

waimea valley botanical gardens.

i could have spent a whole day here swimming in the waterfall pool

much less laying under the monkey trees that are stunning.

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on the last night, a coworker {and friend}

put me up for the night i extended my stay.

we walked part of the way out to kaena point,

the northwestern most point of oahu,

and enjoyed the dying day.

she took a few photos of me in the dusk.

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the final run out to kaena point the morning of my last day.

sadly, i didn't see any albatross.

i drove down the east coast the final day stopping at shark's cove for lunch at the grill, valley of the temples for a meditative prayer and to ring the massive bell, the pali lookout for some windy but breathtaking views and a few random spots along the way.

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back on waikiki for the last hour before my departure, i took a few self-portraits with a frangipani. as i head to the end of my current journal, i noticed the photo i took of myself at the beginning was a self-portrait with a frangipani as i was traveling in australia visiting a dear friend. here i am, over 7 years later and back in the tropics in the first time since then. had to complete the cycle as i began, with a simple, fragrant flower in my hair.

night 31

i have been a nomad for a month now. july 15th was the last night i spent at my old apartment, and here we are, 31 nights later.

perhaps unconsciously to celebrate the occasion, i spent last night away from my current home base {in the wallingford/phinney intersection} at my sister's in order to take portraits of my niece, rose. you can see her there, all sleepy in her baby basket, resting on the bed i share with my mom when i stay there. she's not a baby to cry all night and wake up the household, and i actually enjoy it when she spends the late-night time between feedings in our room. even when she grumbled quietly last night {and probably would have gone back to sleep on her own} it was fun to have my mom pass her over to me for 10 or 15 minutes while i dozed with her on my chest, gently rubbing her back until she conked out again. the rest of the night i wasn't even aware that i was sleeping in a house with a baby.

more than just a convenience {it's a long drive out to covington just for a photo shoot}, i have enjoyed the nights i have stayed at my sister's place. it goes beyond having the baby around and being on babytime where productivity takes the back burner and rose's meals are the only regular thing. being surrounded by family is something i find i am valuing even more than i anticipated, even when it's stressful. between having lived in a different continent as my parents since i left for college and the fact that the last time the 6 of us were together as a family was more than 8 years ago, feeling part of a family unit, a community of people related to each other has been something i've held on to as i navigate this space without a home of my own. finding home in family, or at least savoring the part of me that equates family with home and having a space to return to has been an unexpected gift of this time. additionally, if i had my own place to go home to, i definitely wouldn't have gotten to see my mom and family as much as i have.

i guess family is a good example of a landing-place in my life. a safe, and at the end of the day, loving and caring place to return to no matter how impatient or ill-humored we can be with each other. as much as i can nit-pick the imperfections of my family, i really do count myself lucky to have a mother and brother i can sit and weep with {both that first scary night after moving out and then on sunday, processing a lot surrounding a self-abusive habit i can't seem to kick}, a sister who is able to host me so often despite how much she has going on, and family abroad i am still in regular contact with.

i want to wrap this all up a little more tidily--make the through-line thought and image that i want to impart here a little clearer--but my eyes are literally bleary and it's time to go to bed.

currently writing from sozoo neighborhood, seattle.

for lj

my friend lindsey jo is one of the rare people in the world i can pee in front of without pausing the conversation we're having. at some point, since we're in different time zones, i realized that if i would pee with her in person, there's no stigma against it when we're on the phone, so consequently, she's also the only friend i will pee with on the phone.

i know you're thinking this is tmi {which means "too much information," mom}, but i'm merely giving you a slightly humorous context for how open my friendship with her is. much like sisters, there is a fluidity and closeness that can never be learned. and beyond that, a unique refrain of honesty i don't really have anywhere else. at least not the particular brand we share.

i guess it started with the beginning of our friendship when, at the end of the first night we hung out, i confessed to the rather venomous {at least in side my head} girl envy i had been harboring for her since i first saw her a month or so before. she is gorgeous in a way that melts all men {at least in my head} and has a presence when she just walks into view {not in my head}. my girl envy had sat like a fifty pound toad on my chest any time i saw her until i decided it would no longer get in the way of a friendship with this delightful creature.

so, i confessed it. plain and simple. i probably even apologized for it because i felt as though those kinds of thoughts are never secret, even if they aren't spoken. an hour or two later, my new friend lj, lindsey jo leitner, gorgeous and radiant as always, shocked the hell out of me in return by saying in front of three or four other women: "nat, i just have to say you have the most beautiful breasts...." i think she even went on for another sentence or two and we all had a laugh about it. the next morning i remember asking a mutual friend who was also in attendance to the night and that moment "she really did say breasts, right? not something else and i made an ass of myself for thinking breasts???" yes, nat, she really did say breasts.

mind you, i was on the pill at the time, a bit on the more voluptuous side in general and certainly more heavily endowed. though, in fact, my d'ecolletage either then or now is not the point. the point is our history of this style of honesty, rather daring at times, that has only deepened as the years have added themselves to our friendship.

this summer she spent a week with me at the very end of the film festival, she was my date the final closing night and one of the few people i would have wanted to navigate that space with me. after two years since i last saw her {two??!? really!?!?} it was a welcome week to stretch out into and enjoy the quiet spaces as well as new adventures. but the time wasn't without it's hiccups and we cruised through the d word {disappointment} with as much grace for each other and ourselves as we could, coming out the other side only more firmly grasping and valuing the life between us.

i am so blessed to have her in my life. so blessed. be it phone calls or long rambling voicemails {both given and received}, teary eyed conversations {both in person and not}. joy. color. art. faith. spirituality. adventure. laughter. joy. honor. presence. hope. home. home. home. space. light. love.

i do not know how else to adequately celebrate her birthday, so all i have left to say is: happy birthday, lindsey jo. i give you the perfect blue of a clear hawaiian sky and a lush, verdant green from the dark and rich hawaiian earth.

busy thursday

how do i get so busy?
this morning's commute included picking up my rent deposit refund the new company was slow to procure, dropping off cds to fedex, going to work, work, racing about to pick up a collection of short films from the film festival, fighting traffic to get home in time to go on a run. fail, so skip run. do other things i am behind on instead. fight traffic to west seattle to a friend's house to watch said short films. stop by my local organic grocery store on the way to pick up dinner (i still owed him a big thank you for helping me move). come home after midnight.
whew.
i still had time to reflect and let sink in the realization of how many habits, actions, knee jerk reactions and defenses in my life are due to the fact that i finish many thoughts with the silent suffix "because i am not nearly perfect enough."
reprogram. reprogram. reprogram.
i have been repeating to myself to great effect, one simple sentence my brother suggested: no matter what happens, i love you.

nights 25 to 40

the first thing i did after unloading my car last night was to exclaim over the drawers they have for me here. four in total. two for my clothes and two for my "desk." one half of my desk-ish drawers is given over to creative things like my postcards and stationary and journals while the other half is left for more practical things like check book, accounting things, bills, etc. the sheer luxury of organization is thrilling and the fact that i am not relying on a suitcase to contain my closet is swoon-worthy. and here i am, less than a month in. can. i. make. it?

luckily i have given myself two weeks {with the odd night spent with my sister and new baby} here with some dear friends. longer than i have stayed in any place so far.

already in the last two nights i have felt myself start to land, become productive and feel grounded again. here i have my own space, territory to lay claim to and suddenly clarity and focus returns. my diet is also improving, willpower returning. all these things intertwined in a way i have yet to understand entirely. but for now, it's enough to note the shifts and changes gently allowing answers to things surface as they are able.

welcome home, nat. for now.

writing from sou-zoo {south of the zoo} neighborhood, seattle, washington

nights 20 to 24

night 20 wasn't spent at the b & b, but at the house of one of my hawaiian co-workers who lived about 5 minutes from where i had been staying. we had a fortuitous crossing of paths the night i was deciding whether or not to extend my stay and she offered up a spare bedroom in the house where she lives. her little old lady housemate spends half her year in washington state so i go to use her bed and admire her very brightly colored collection of artwork she has made and acquired. i regret not documenting the animal masks on her wall that were charming and sweet.

as you can see, my stuff was immediately dumped on to the bed and floor in order to re-organize all my things into the suitcase {probably one of my least favorite parts of travel}.

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night 21 was roughing it by my standards. a seat on a plane. 40A. at least there was a window and more than ample space for my legs. on dint of being bumped to a later flight, i got an exit row and bulkhead to boot.

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nights 22 to 24 have posed the first real challenge to my self-imposed transience. upheaval. unwelcome. hormones. family. enough said.

a good reminder that nothing and no one can threaten me unless i choose to allow them to. unfortunately, i did for a bit, but now we are on the other side. also a good test of my safety network of friends that within two phone calls i had two alternate places to stay should it come to that. luckily it did not, so here i remain until tomorrow night {which will be the welcome first of my longer stays}:

nomad {auntie} nate, writing from covington, washington.

the last gift of the islands

tonight, after a precise series of events (from having to sit outside check-in to scarf down my passionfruit because the dept of agriculture wouldn't let me take it home to the arduous decision of what chocolates to purchase for my family--we take chocolate very seriously) i ended up at the ticket counter to ask about frequent flier mile membership just as they were announcing the need for volunteers to be bumped to a later flight. being right there i was first in line on the new flight which leaves at a more convenient time, arrives at a more convenient time, has an open exit row seat for my long legs AND scores me a $400 flight voucher.

feeling the magic tonight and strangely not sad at all about vacation coming to an end. it was the perfect length of time and i have a new niece to come home to, nomad adventures to look forward to and a reduced work schedule which will help me bring a little balance back into my life.

more on the transition (i was hoping to write more while on vacation but i was having too much fun) and more photos soon!

-nomad nate

writing from the honolulu airport waiting for my san francisco midnight departure.

self portraits in sand