meisner - 2.10

it's 3:34am.
it's snowing outside.
again.
my throat is sore from yelling.
my knees are brewing bruises from falling.
i made {at least} two classmates in the audience cry last night.
and now i can't sleep.

class was full. really full. and to think, i almost didn't go because of an upset stomach.

random aside: all of my best classes have found me feeling sick for some reason or other before class. maybe it's an indicator of when i've landed on something so vulnerable my whole body tries to defend against it. or maybe i've just been a little more fragile this year than i am normally.

and now for a confession: i didn't really do much/any homework for last night's activity. i picked out the circumstances i was going to bring to the door and that was about it. i knew it would be potent enough that all i would have to do is a little bit of mental/emotional prodding to land on something that would make this circumstance really alive.

the circumstance: i left my cell phone at a friend's house. they returned it to me the next day. on it i found several voicemails from my family. my mother urgently requesting i call her that night. my father was in the hospital after getting in a car crash. he was driving at night when his eyesight dictates he shouldn't. he hit a tree. he was conscious but fading. call now. and then later messages to tell me he had passed away. she mentioned she also left a message with my roommate to tell me to call right away, but that message wasn't relayed.

the prep: before coming to the door to confront my roommate, i had to connect with the death of my father. my mind daydreamed to the funeral. the details always help me connect, so i aimed for them. i am wearing boots. my brown boots, no, black. i'm wearing black boots. black stockings. a black skirt. wait, why are you wearing black? you don't believe funerals should be all black. but i want to wear black, damnit. okay, wear black. black textured shirt and a smart blazer with smallish puffed sleeves and a fitted waist. okay, now i'm there. and i go back to my boots. they are standing in grass that's marshy. it's raining. it's europe. the five siblings are lowering him into the grave. i'm at the foot. on the right hand side where i was for my grandfather. {my heart is already beating faster. my breathing changed} i don't know where the others are besides ross. he's at the head. the casket is in the grave and now i'm singing sou gan from empire of the sun. the welsh lullaby that is the backdrop to my memories of my father growing up. i had a long time to prep while waiting for my partner. to set up. to do her own prep. i thought about what i would accuse her of, carefully steering clear of daydreaming about what would happen once i was in the room with her {those are unhelpful thoughts}. the words that came to mind: i didn't get to say goodbye. i didn't get to say i'm sorry. the latter surprised me, but i went with it. continued the build up, and then, for good measure, i ran down the hall, down the stairs and back up to the room. the adrenaline feeds the fire. i walked up to the door.

{the finally} the work: i didn't have a clue what i would do. not a clue. i wasn't crying. i wasn't thinking. my heart and body were wired and i started banging on the door.

pounding. bruise stirring pounds.

no answer.

i started yelling. no clue what, but i started yelling. she comes to the door and i started blasting her from the first moment. no recollection of what i said, but i pushed her back into the room with the force of my yells and the blame shooting out of my eyes. and before we were halfway across the room i was so far gone i only have a hazy, distant recollection of what happened. she pushed back verbally to defend herself and i realized i was only getting started. the resistence, the plea that she didn't do anything really landed me the rest of the way in the space. and i remembered almost being scared at the fierceness of my verbal and emotional accusations {is there something beyond rage?}.

then i remember walking away from her in a daze. i remember hitting a table and opening my eyes and only then did i realize they were closed. my knees gave way at the table {that must have been when they hit the floor hard}. she asked me what happened. i spluttered out the story before folding onto the floor. she tried to touch me. i shied away. i vaguely noted she was crying too, but that information came from a long way away and only barely registered. like the nail i broke somehow at the beginning {a mystery to me still how and when it happened} or how it was i ended up on the other side of her, my body stretched out on the floor, my torso in her arms and my head wrapped up in hands and chin. these things are moments anchored in a mass of cause and effect i had no real grasp upon.

and finally i just let her hold me. for a long while. and the sobs undulated as i said i'm sorry to the air around me. to her. to my father. and as i lamented that i didn't get to say goodbye. or tell him i'm sorry.

fin.



.....................................




i offered skit-a-ma-rink-ee-dink-ee-dink {is there an official title for this} as the song to clear the air. robin countered that i should sing it to my partner. good choice. it was nice to get to sing i love you in the morning and in the afternoon, i love you in the evening and underneath the moon, complete with hand gestures, to the person that was hit with the single most concentrated amount of rage i have ever expressed. i explained the circumstances to robin. no notes from her, just one second of clear, directed eye contact and a single nod of acknowledgement. yes.

i hugged my partner again and yet a third time after we cleaned up. i told her she's received the most fury i have ever channeled and i suggested she take a shower that evening. wash it away.

but i didn't apologize this time.
{the last time i was a conduit of rage}.
i didn't back up from what i put into that space.
it was true and good.
and i have it to give again.


now it's 4:35am.
it's no longer snowing.
my bruises are still steeping.
and hopefully i can sleep now.