abc song {pt. 2}

i just wrote the below to a dear friend. it's a swell of thoughts about watching myself on video that i didn't even know i had milling about in my head. i had intended to just write thanks for appreciating the video, but ended up writing this too:

..............................................................

.

singing for people (particularly knowing a lot of strangers would see it) has never been something i'm wont to do. but after belting out creep for the class on tuesday, what did i have to lose?

and i found it's really fascinating to see myself from the outside. my family didn't have a video recorder growing up, so i haven't seen a lot of myself on video, etc, and it's strangely compelling to watch. not in a narcissistic way at all (please, don't think that :s) but just in: that's what i sound like? that's how i look when i glance downward evasively from shyness?

hmm....

and it's interesting how it kind of makes me soft every time i see the last little bit as i hop up to the camera to turn it off. i don't know why...i guess because i wasn't self-conscious at all in that moment as i just kiss to the camera (completely spontaneously) then bounce one, two.

and in those little gestures, i see myself as i really am for a second.

and.

i don't seem to warrant the harsh self-criticism that i find i deal quite a lot.

instead there is a gentle but spunky spirit looking out at me. and i'm okay with her.

..............................................................

currently listening to: scenic world - beirut {on repeat} which you can listen to here.

the lyrics are fitting too:

the lights go on
the lights go off
when things don't feel right
i lie down like a tired dog
licking his wounds in the shade

when i feel alive
i try to imagine a careless life
a scenic world where the sunsets are all
breathtaking