s h a m e.

shame. ashamed. embarrassment. humiliation.

it's all part of the same thing, and i've been avoiding it all for a long time now. a master at looking the other way or creating a distraction while i sweep it under the rug.

when i am alone and i stumble into a shame-wrapped day dream or memory, i spontaneously and involuntarily start making a sound: onomatopoeia, a tuneless lalalalala, or some other such noise.

it's static on the line. white noise to hide the movement inside as it's brushed aside once more.

and the funny thing is: i have absolutely no hold on how to get past this defensive technique. as soon as i'm aware that i've hit a shameful thought, i am already well into some quirky sound or other and the thought has slipped out the back door of my conscious self and absorbed back into the undefinable mush of my unconscious.

i've even tried to make an activity for class that would lead me to shame, but the things that are profoundly shameful to me are so insignificant to others, that i don't know how to make it extreme enough for an activity.

a thought occurs to me as i write: what if i just start recording the shameful thoughts that evoke my vocal evasion technique? i'm sure there would be a trend.

i have two moments that brought up shame this weekend. in the first, there was a simple misunderstanding between a good friend and myself. they clarified that they weren't offering something, but in fact, i wasn't asking for it in the first place. my take: they thought i would presume to want something from them. reality: we crossed wires and miscommunitcated, but i immediately shut down in the moment and wanted to flee. tuck tail and run. my experience of myself in that moment was to get flustered and disoriented in myself and then brush the incident off as quickly as possible.

at least at the moment.

i have replayed this brief fifteen seconds over in my head so many times since then and each time the initial shame revives itself. and each time i am overwhelmed with a feeling of powerlessness. and worthlessness.

the second incidence of shame from this weekend. a moment i spoke of below where my scene partner, faced with me in my red bra and writing on myself said: "you're making me uncomfortable." and i started yelling at him: "you were the one that demanded to be let in..." etc, etc.

in the midst of my angry retort, i realized that i was actually ashamed of making him uncomfortable. suddenly aware of myself on display not only for him, but of a class comprised of at least six other men.

i.
was.
ashamed.
uncomfortable.
and self-conscious.

so i created all this noise to lash out at him with as punishment but serving a dual purpose - to draw attention away from myself. it was a powerful moment that almost succeeded {i spoke with a classmate today and they remembered the verbal lashing too}. but somehow, even in the middle of it, i was aware of a motivation underneath and i was able to own up to that: you make me feel self-conscious. and i immediately shifted. softened. and lived into that shame.

and it ceased to have any power over me. the shame dissolved into nothing and the scene continued.

my mind replays this scenario too, but with different results. a quiet moves through me each time i revisit the memory. drawn back to the sense of ownership and empowerment that came from the simple act of honesty. honesty to myself and honesty to another human being.

which makes me wonder how i can bring this sense of ownership and honesty to the little moments of remembering/reliving shameful things. can i use this tool to stop the cycle of broken record memories?

please please please say it is so. i am done with the dominance of shame in my life.






currently listening to: cymbal rush - thom yorke