in the dream i was being ignored.
by a lot of people.
actually,
a lot of people that had taken something from me and refused to give it back.
despite repeated demands.
hmm....i didn't realize there was a theme there until just this moment.
the first dream {that may have been connected to the second} was that i was swinging by a friend's house. her flatmate had friends over and yelled at my friend and me for disrupting. i was upset at her and sad that my friend just took the abuse.
when i turned to leave, i realized my shoes were missing. these black flats that i adore {but don't own in reality}. it appeared that some people visiting were responsible for taking my shoes and i demanded them back. they wanted to just give me money, but the $100 he handed me {he also had a $180 bill in his wallet} was fake and i didn't fall for it. it made me angrier.
eventually the friend of his that was thought to have taken the shoes brought them back. but they weren't my black flats. they were putty pink and about three sizes too small. i was embarrassed. but i didn't say anything. they left and left the shoes. then the roommate came back from some weird errand wearing the shoes. bitch. she made me late for class.
this dream transitioned into the next: i started setting up for my activity in class today {more on that below} and somehow the class misunderstood and thought i wanted to be at a different location. halfway to driving to this other place, i realized they were doing it on my behalf, and got frustrated at the wasted time. we got to our destination {a house} and everyone dispersed: to watch television. to play video games. and i got mad. furious. rage-filled as they ignored my attempts to rally them together so that i could do my activity.
it's such a good one. i wanted my chance to show it. and here they were pissing the time away. i started turning off televisions. i started getting in the way. i was adamant. {and i just realized my "classmates" were actually members of my family circle, not my actual classmates}. i was ruthless.
but in the end, when i had my chance to go, it didn't really work. somehow i had lost the core of the thing. it lost it's potency in the face of their ambivalence. something.
afterwards, i was looking up at the sky. disappointed. and the sky was a brilliant blue and caressing the golden shape of a school bus in my line of site. i stood looking at the vibrant warm/cool color scheme for a while.
........................................
and all this brings me to my activity. which thrills and terrifies me in equal parts. i am being offered something i wanted. a lot. offered it and then some. all the bells and whistles attached. but i am saying no. hell no. fuck no. in a very satisfying way. and in quite a daring way. i'm going to write it on my torso. in class. with just my bra and underwear on. yep, you read it right. and it will be revealed at just the right moment.
just the right moment.
my playlist running in the background:
machine gun - portishead
sea lion - sage francis
idioteque - radiohead
down is the new up - radiohead
wandering star - portishead
when talking through the idea with a friend this friday, i played machine gun for them, and they pointed out how appropriate the lyrics were. here they are {and wish me luck}.
{you can watch it here if you would like to hear the song in full}
i saw a saviour
a saviour come my way
i thought i’d see it
at the cold light of day
but now i realize that i’m
only for me
if only i could see
you turn myself to me
and recognize the poison in my heart
there is no other place
no one else i face
remedy, we’ll agree, is how i feel
here in my reflecting
what more can i say?
for i am guilty
for the voice that i obey
too scared to sacrifice a choice
chosen for me
if only i could see
you turn myself to me
recognize the poison in my heart
there is no other place
no one else i face
the remedy, to agree, is how i feel
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