today's class started with more prompts. more repetition of phrases like "give it back" and "fuck off" and "please" that helped me explore more territory around the circumstances i had set up for today. one of the strongest was: i take mine. hand gestures included. and as i stood up straighter and took the stoop out of my shoulders, i sank into it further and found a part of me that you wouldn't want to get in the way of. she's fierce.
and i think i had started to air her out earlier today as i got ready for class. make-up was applied while rocking out to my portishead/sage francis/radiohead mix and there was a lot of hip swaying and head nodding in front of the mirror in time with the heavy beats and forceful lyrics of these songs.
i am a woman.
and i'm beginning to own it.
i got really geared up for the activity. i was equal parts really excited and really terrified and we jumped up to work as soon as we could. i prepped the room. set up my candles. queued up my music so i just had to hit play. and went out to prep to actually do the activity. changed into matching red underwear and spent just a few moments outside breathing into the emotional space i needed to inhabit.
it didn't take long to get there.
it was chomping at the bits.
i entered the room. lit some candles. walked over to the mirror. and took my shirt off laying bear my red bra and torso. i donned some red beads to match and proceeded to write one name and a downward facing arrow indicating below the navel. then just beneath that, riding along the line of my red underwear just peeking out from my low slung cords: two words. the punchline of the activity.
hell no.
the final result would be a strip tease for this person ending in the message being sassily revealed along with a verbal reinforcement that they should leave. now. and in true graciousness, offer what darling audrey heburn did in breakfast at tiffany's: it takes three seconds to get to the door and i'm giving you one.
but of course, the person would never knock on this door and i only made it to the end of hell no before the activity finished and i jokingly but adamantly required putting on a shirt before the usual hug-your-partner-at-the-end-of-your-work. several chuckles among the audience.
the men were completely silent in feedback about the scene {though one person commented on having a wonderful view of the column i was standing behind and that's it - the only student who could have gotten away with it} but several female classmates said the exact same words: that was really fun to watch.
it was empowering to live out this fantasy. even in this one moment. because i know i wouldn't live into it any other place/time/moment, even if the opportunity presented itself tomorrow. but there is a considerable catharsis to be found in moving through the desire and acting it out somewhere. anywhere in this world.
and i think, in many ways, that's the function of the art for the viewer. for them to see emotions/events/stories live out in a way they can't or choose not to live in their own lives. there is still some power to watching others fulfill a desire or live out a fear. and that at the core of all of this is just connecting to humanity. in whatever form it presents itself. and allowing the power of what it reflects to have an effect.
and for me, as an actor, i get the gift of continually finding new spaces in myself. and even though i open them specifically for the art, i choose to keep them open at the end so that my own life can pass through these doorways and inhabit the strength of these spaces.
currently listening to: mellow radiohead mix - four minute warning
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