about today & yesterday

this song came to me this past saturday* on my drive down to portland. and what felt noteworthy about those three hours in the car by myself was how comfortable i was to be in my own skin. how i felt the edges of who i was so clearly and truly liked who i found myself to be. i could see that i am a bolder person than i often give myself credit for and far more confident than i allow myself to be.

but then there is this song. four minutes and eleven seconds that so acutely sings the truth of how some of the most potential-filled connections of my life slipped away. and i know i have to take responsibility for it. i know that i have, on some level, attracted people unable to step up and simply speak their truth, choosing instead to just fade away into nothing while offering me the golden but painful opportunity to face the dark void they leave behind.

but now i find a bolder voice, a far more joyful sense of being here, being me, being right where i want to be and i simply want about today to be something that is only about my yesterdays. and i think the important thing for me to remember here, is that while i can't control in what manner the next person comes and goes from my life, what i have put into practice is taking responsibility for how i keep ahold of myself. in the past year i have had the opportunity to test my footing and found myself capable of maintaining the understanding, no matter if the worst {or best} case scenario becomes true, that i am here and whole and nothing they do can add to or take away from that.

about today -- the national

today you were far away
and i didn't ask you why
what could i say
i was far away
you just walked away
and i just watched you
what could i say

how close am i to losing you

tonight you just close your eyes
and i just watch you
slip away

how close am i to losing you

hey, are you awake
yeah i'm right here
well can i ask you about today

how close am i to losing you
how close am i to losing

*most recently, yes, cuz, i haven't forgotten you tried to spoon feed me the national first.