support

the most amazing thing happened to me today. i still have a hard time not convincing myself the phone call was just some glitch of my imagination. maybe if there hadn't been a coworker in the office demanding an explanation for all the oh my gods and a voice skirting the edge of tears, i would have succeeded in telling myself it was all some cruel trick of my vivid imagination.

but it happened. it really did. and before i tell you exactly what the content of this 3 minute phone call was, i would like to skip back a few months to a moment i had in mid-august. i wrote about that event in its entirety here but the bit that is the most important is the realization i had documented in the piece. one night a few months ago, a mere hours before my friend andrew enthusiastically jumped on board to collaborate on a film/documentary/narrative about my journey southward, i was crying in a dark theater watching harry potter {yes, harry potter}. my tears came from realizing that my deep, vulnerable desire to have the world believe in me is to drive back the black hole in my spirit that historically has been my own lack of belief in myself.

and that black hole? it still comes and goes, warping space and time to find its way into projects and places in my life it has no place. yet at the same time, i've been learning to defy physics, pouring hope and love and challenges into that space and finding light make its way back out again. i can survive without a tightly woven and perfectly organized home space. i can challenge the sweaty pain of a half-marathon and push up against success on the other side. and i find more strength and beauty and clarity in myself than ever before. i've been making progress, you know, and part of that progress is just being able to acknowledge that the world, and more importantly my own spirit, does believe in me, even when i struggle.

and so today......

god.

i don't know if i can do the shock and awe and heart-searing gratitude justice.

today i got a phone call from a friend wanting to discuss my play. they've mentioned donating to the cause in the past, but today's conversation that stretched out on the other side of hello took me entirely by surprise.

rather than just giving a significant{!!!} amount of money, they have thought a lot about how to help push along the fundraising campaign. and this person, this one single, steady voice said: i will match the next $1,000 worth of donations to the campaign--an offer which will effectively take us to our goal double time.

and so. there you have it.

it's so far beyond surprising i still don't know what to do beyond sit with heart-fluttering joy and forge ahead into my first production as producer, first production as lead, first real not-class-associated acting role and not look back any more.

and last night's rehearsal was the first where i worked up a sweat. the first where i came home and had to unwind for hours, the crucial conflict of the piece playing through my head like a real argument. it was the first night i felt connected to the successes of the work, no matter what it looks like on the other side.

so thank you, my solid supporter. thank you to all the voices that have contributed to get us 1/3 of the way so far. thank you to all the other voices in my life who have found words of support and encouragement over the years. for me, for my work and for the colors of my life. i am so grateful.

i know i already asked once, but here is the link again in case you were considering donating. every dollar you pledge will become two. even ten will become twenty. every little bit helps.