set backs and slow downs

it was supposed to be a good day today. a bonus day off. nothing planned.

initially i had envisioned a play day with nothing should about it. a day led by whim and creativity. install my birds, work on my paintings, put up the little installation above the stove that will finish the kitchen, etc. but then reality hit and i realized i would rather spend the day getting things done. organizing. catching up on work. prepping for taxes. things that would help me feel on top of my life again.

but in the end i got neither.

it started well at 8:30 in the morning after shoving off the cat {a temporary flatmate} who decided my shoulder was a good place to stand for some reason about an hour earlier. oatmeal for breakfast. a little organizing. and then a run. one that i thought maybe i shouldn't go on: take a break. use the day to just get things done i whispered to myself. then loudly and firmly: no, you need to keep up your momentum. you can take tomorrow as your rest day when you'll have less time because of work and commitments. you're doing so well. 9 miles on saturday. back in yoga. keep it up.

so i went on the run, took my usual stretch at home and then threw in a little yogic plow and shoulder stand to finish up the workout. i was done and heading toward the land of shower, lunch and then more productivity. all i had to do was gently roll down my spine like i've successfully done so many times before and move on with my day.

half way down to the floor, just as i was admiring my slow, even descent, i yelped. then froze. stuck mid air knowing up or down would only cause the flare up to strike again. helpless. a turtle stuck on its back and in a lot of pain to boot. i don't know how but i managed to wiggle my way gently to the couch, support my legs and slowly lower them to the ground. but i was still stuck. i could find no way of rolling over and pushing up with my arms that wouldn't cut right into the screaming area of my lower back. so i lay there, unable to stop the belly sobs of pain and helpless frustration that only served to hurt my back further.

it was a rough ten minutes, probably more, with thom yorke crooning to me in the background and a neighbor i should have called out to walking through the hall. i didn't bother saying anything even though i was sure they could hear me crying. i thought my door was locked {turns out later it wasn't, strangely} and by the time the off-site management could come and open my door i would hopefully be up on my own steam. hopefully. so i wiggled. pushed up with my arms. grabbed on to the couch. pushed up some more. tried to get my legs underneath me and thought often of the stupid phrase wailed by little old lady actors on 80's commercials i've fallen and i can't get up.

no falling here, just graceful descents gone awry.

i finally did manage to make my way vertical and promptly, but oh so slowly, went over and shut off my ipod {sorry thom, but i never have enough energy to devote to you when i'm sick or in pain. it's a lot of work to listen}. next i grabbed my phone and left a disconcertingly sob-filled voicemail for my friend while clutching the wall and my book case for support. then i was able to reach another friend who wasn't in the middle of work, just in the middle of a pajama clad lunch. a trip to the savior of my chiropractor was planned and executed. help in and out of the car mandatory.

and now i'm at the slow waddle around the apartment stage. curses or hisses slipping out here or there as i ease up and down. standing. prone. moving between the two. picking up the orange i dropped on the floor. refilling the water jug. getting food. putting on shoes. picking up the yoga mat. taking out the trash. these are things i took for granted that my body could effortlessly do not even 7 hours ago that are all now a trial or non-negotiable. luckily the first friend could come over bringing thai for dinner, coconut milk icecream, brownies & theo chocolate for dessert. laughter, gentle cuddles and an arm for support for in between. he's also the sort to take out the recycling, refill the water jug, roll up the yoga mat and make sure my advil {and leftover vicodin from my root canal} is by the bedside.

but the biggest irony of all is how much i've used the phrase i feel so strong lately. strong in mind, body, spirit, and patience. there is an ease, gracefulness and grounded power i have felt connected to since returning from vancouver. i've noticed it in my body and mind as i find in myself the surprising capacity to run farther and farther {i know today could have been avoided if i had simply listened to the need to rest today or take a 3 mile run instead of a 6 mile run}. and i feel it in my spirit as it is moved in new places by deep and meaningful connections while also staying grounded, realistic and patient {the last three characteristics have always been missing in the past}. hiccups that come are weathered well. relationships coming and going are met with calm acceptance.

i am strong and i am living into that strength in new ways, but today's lesson is one my mother repeats to me often: make haste slowly, nathania. make haste slowly.

pray for my speedy recovery. or however it is you send support...