still on the road to recovery.

a return to health always seems to be accompanied by both a breaking and reemergence of spirit. i'm currently stuck in between the breaking and the reemergence as it hasn't been a comfortable week emotionally. to say the least. i tried a couple of times to write about it, but only came across as whiny and snivelling, both of which were accurate, but not something i felt compelled to broadcast out beyond the few people {3 brave souls} that witnessed the physical or emotional collapses of the past week and spare change, often both together.

today is day nine and the first day that it felt actually tolerable to be in my skin and swallowing with my throat without painkillers or nyquill {which only serves to make me overly chatty if there is a friend on the other line of a phone call, or jittery yet fuzzy if i'm making efforts to sleep as i should}.

but my spirit is still trailing behind. on top of the usual sickness-and-escapist-reading induced existential crisis i always seem to encounter when i'm ill for more than 3 or 4 days, i was also dealt a heavy dose of change that i wasn't ready to have forced upon me. it was something i had tried to do several times, but always seemed to be talked back from my decision. and now the other wants to decide, and not as gently as i feel i deserved, so i am left, churlish and smarting, recognizing how it's fabulous for all involved and yet still feeling childish enough to be sore and slighted whenever i think about it. i am bigger than this, i know i am, and the support coming in from others only makes me feel worse. like the immature little sister who knows better but is still throwing a temper tantrum in front of the guests.

i am being obtuse, i know. but i am also ashamed. ashamed of the decision. ashamed of my reaction. ashamed i couldn't stand by my own truth and decision i had realized months earlier. ashamed of the implied rejection. ashamed. ashamed. angry and ashamed.

i am tired.
it's midnight.
i need to go to sleep with or without the aid of nyquill.
i need to restart the artist's way that got lost somehow in the chaos of christmas.
i need to find my spirit again.
i need to find my hope.
i need to be productive and get a lot done.
i need to relax.
i need to be finished. to lay and rest, an old woman, done with a long life and satisfied. i am tired of this rat race i fear will never change, and will only one day include a husband and children trapped running on the same wheel i find myself on. this year needs to be about slowing down. taking one task at a time. breathing. stretching.





i guess i am still a little lost right now.
pardon the rambles.





currently listening to: nothing. my body can't tolerate music when it's this burdened. it requires too much when i have nothing spare to give, most especially music like radiohead, so all i can take is quiet. quiet. quiet. quiet.