in the dream, i had gone in for a physical and wasn't expecting to get the news, but the little old lady helping me was really quite cheerful about it and didn't seem to take offense when i asked a few times "are you sure?!?!" there was one part excitement, one part fear, but entirely no question in my mind that i would keep the child. she explained that my due date was in a few months {which, in the dream, was january 11th} and that i was just as far along as my friend, s. and in the weird way of time in dreams, the idea was i conceived right around the end of october and was a few months in, but january was also still a little ways out.
i left in an understandable state of shock and came home to a celebration of a lot of people gathering to celebrate s's pregnancy and as i walked up to her and my family gathered, it suddenly occurred to me that i didn't want to make this a dual announcement and that not only was i ashamed to not be married or even in a relationship, but that i also became aware of the possibility of avoiding the shame {as well as a massive disruption of my life without a partner to support me} by aborting the child.
i milled about a little and eventually left to go tell the only person who could be the father. it was suddenly early morning and when i entered his house, it was my older brother who answered the door. he explained that my ex realized it was me at the door and took his new girlfriend into her room to keep her away from me and continue sleeping. at this point i realized that my older brother was the perfect person to talk to and that he of all people wouldn't judge me for whatever decision i would make.
i walked up to him {suddenly we are on the back porch} and immediately he noticed the long and confident stride i had {and in the dream i had the presence of mind to credit that physical confidence to my new running habit}. next he pointed out the bulge on my tummy which, despite how far along i was, wasn't nearly large enough to be obvious i was pregnant.
s appeared out of nowhere and suddenly i found myself less inclined to talk about th situation. but my brother being as perceptive as he is fully comprehended everything i couldn't say. at this point the fact that this was a miracle baby {as it would have been in real life had i gotten pregnant from this particular person--an early bout of cancer in his life makes it hugely unlikely he'd conceive without ivf*} was occurring to me as well as the responsibility of keeping it for that reason alone almost.
i walked back inside to the living room only to find the my ex and his new girlfriend visible from where i was standing. her bedroom had become {in the fluid nature of dreams} accessible from the livingroom with only a curtain to separate the two. the curtain parted and i saw her was standing at the door, listening in to what was going on. when she realized i was aware of her, she crawled back into bed, the curtain parting just as she did so i was given a full view of her glare as well as the fact that, despite assurances to the contrary, my ex was abandoning me.
either dispersed throughout the dream or appearing as little vignettes at the end, i also recall images of a birth announcement design that i had settled on and was ordering {symbolically enough the announcement/name decision was linked visually to contact info and name of a website, which is what i am in dire need of} and i recall looking at and speaking to a saleswoman about fancy swaddling wraps and supplies. i was hesitant to purchase any because i knew i would get a lot from baby showers. so, despite the question of abortion in the dream there also seemed a concurrent exploration about keeping the child as well.
okay, the dream is down an hour has passed and i really hope sleep will let me return for at least a few more hours.
*in-vitro fertilization.
No comments:
Post a Comment