#8

i sent the first email in the wake of seeing thom last spring. put into words something surprising and tender. something i was so grateful to the universe for giving me when i hadn't even thought to ask. but the silence that was returned was puzzling. i had been so certain we had been reading from the same page, so where did our stories split?

i agitated {gently} as i always do. worried and second guessed, and was finally given the wise words: if he's important, he isn't far.

almost a year later now, each simultaneously nudging a mutual friend to do something we both knew we should just ask for ourselves, friends and facebook have come through for us and here we are: in connection. just as we ought to be.

finally, radiohead friend #8 has joined the family stepping into a comfortable spot that i didn't even realize i was still keeping warm for him.


1. mike
2. jason
3. chris
4. jim
5. steve
6. lauren
7. matt
8. shervin
9. kevin


currently listening to: the light - the album leaf

red dress photos part 2.

so here are some more of the images, including one more banner possibility {#5 for voting}. i love the contrast of the red/green color scheme for this first set of photos and something about the unconventional posing mary guided me into allowed me to be relaxed in a way i rarely find myself in front of a camera. the second set are all photos that were taken with my lensbaby which gave the images that blurry, dreamy quality. to be noted, the bench in the last photo was flipping cold. eek.

random note: the bottom of my rib cage protrudes strangely. i was first told this by a doctor giving me a sports physical in middle or high school. he kind of knocked on them like a door, surprised at how they come out from my body. i feel like it's most noticeable in the photo for #5 banner, the last photo of the first series and the lensbaby ones where i'm standing up. anyone else have a ribcage like mine? hmm...

5.

facelift part 2.

as promised months ago, i am finally working on the facelift of my blog {so, those of you waiting on the posting about my birthday project, stay tuned, i am catching up with myself}. i had a fun {albeit a wee bit on the cold side} photo shoot in volunteer park with one of my coworkers today. she did a fantastic job and here are a few of the new banners i am toying with. please feel free to weigh in your vote and more photos from the shoot coming soon....

1.

...........................................

2.

...........................................

3.

...........................................

4.
{my least favorite but in line with my original idea conceived month ago}

...........................................

5.
{added a day later}

notes from a part time insomniac

insomnia: 2
nathania: 0

this is the second time in a few days i find myself awake at inappropriate hours. damn, this has got to stop, starting with this recent habit of going to sleep after 1am on any given day and often as late as 2am. my adrenals don't like that. the rest of me doesn't like that either. two days ago it was a dream and today merely a random assortment of replays from the day before that really shouldn't make me agitate as much as they do.

often it's just a little palate cleanser such as this, a blog entry typed out as an email on my phone, that gets my mind off of the forgivables and lets me return to the sleep that i am hankering for.

wish me luck.

not pregnant

i have had pregnancy dreams before, but never like this. perhaps it's a result of being in the job that i am or from seeing/hearing someone close to me work her way through her first trimester {i will refer to her here as 's'}, but either way, i am awake and restless at 6am because of it.

in the dream, i had gone in for a physical and wasn't expecting to get the news, but the little old lady helping me was really quite cheerful about it and didn't seem to take offense when i asked a few times "are you sure?!?!" there was one part excitement, one part fear, but entirely no question in my mind that i would keep the child. she explained that my due date was in a few months {which, in the dream, was january 11th} and that i was just as far along as my friend, s. and in the weird way of time in dreams, the idea was i conceived right around the end of october and was a few months in, but january was also still a little ways out.

i left in an understandable state of shock and came home to a celebration of a lot of people gathering to celebrate s's pregnancy and as i walked up to her and my family gathered, it suddenly occurred to me that i didn't want to make this a dual announcement and that not only was i ashamed to not be married or even in a relationship, but that i also became aware of the possibility of avoiding the shame {as well as a massive disruption of my life without a partner to support me} by aborting the child.

i milled about a little and eventually left to go tell the only person who could be the father. it was suddenly early morning and when i entered his house, it was my older brother who answered the door. he explained that my ex realized it was me at the door and took his new girlfriend into her room to keep her away from me and continue sleeping. at this point i realized that my older brother was the perfect person to talk to and that he of all people wouldn't judge me for whatever decision i would make.

i walked up to him {suddenly we are on the back porch} and immediately he noticed the long and confident stride i had {and in the dream i had the presence of mind to credit that physical confidence to my new running habit}. next he pointed out the bulge on my tummy which, despite how far along i was, wasn't nearly large enough to be obvious i was pregnant.

s appeared out of nowhere and suddenly i found myself less inclined to talk about th situation. but my brother being as perceptive as he is fully comprehended everything i couldn't say. at this point the fact that this was a miracle baby {as it would have been in real life had i gotten pregnant from this particular person--an early bout of cancer in his life makes it hugely unlikely he'd conceive without ivf*} was occurring to me as well as the responsibility of keeping it for that reason alone almost.

i walked back inside to the living room only to find the my ex and his new girlfriend visible from where i was standing. her bedroom had become {in the fluid nature of dreams} accessible from the livingroom with only a curtain to separate the two. the curtain parted and i saw her was standing at the door, listening in to what was going on. when she realized i was aware of her, she crawled back into bed, the curtain parting just as she did so i was given a full view of her glare as well as the fact that, despite assurances to the contrary, my ex was abandoning me.

either dispersed throughout the dream or appearing as little vignettes at the end, i also recall images of a birth announcement design that i had settled on and was ordering {symbolically enough the announcement/name decision was linked visually to contact info and name of a website, which is what i am in dire need of} and i recall looking at and speaking to a saleswoman about fancy swaddling wraps and supplies. i was hesitant to purchase any because i knew i would get a lot from baby showers. so, despite the question of abortion in the dream there also seemed a concurrent exploration about keeping the child as well.

okay, the dream is down an hour has passed and i really hope sleep will let me return for at least a few more hours.

*in-vitro fertilization.

notes from the studio

after a holiday, sickness and then heartache hiatus, i am finally back to the easel. lately i have been haunted by thom yorke dreams where he's inaccessible or avoiding me, which is a sure sign i am neglecting my generative self.

i worked on two separate commissions and then rotated through a few for myself, including this one. it's from an image taken by my fellow sun/sky photographer, cameron, and i am excited for how it's coming along.

{dimensions: 3'x4'}

new miles

nothing like a bit of righteous anger and a new pair of running shoes to get me back into the swing of running. let me say here first, though, that i have never identified as a runner. even in middle and early high school i loathed distance running on the cross country team {until i was able to give up due to knee problems} and only tolerably enjoyed the sense of teamwork and hard exercise of the track {though the 400m and 4x400 meter race still makes me happy for whatever weird reason}.

so, here i am, completely surprised three runs into what i hope is a new habit and easily trekking 5 to 6 miles without too much stress. the last time i ran with any regularity {2.5 years ago}, it was a good day if i got 3 miles in, so i am justly proud of myself. i haven't been able get myself to a gym for about a year now and craved something more cardiovascular than yoga, which i am also hoping is a new habit.

wish me luck.

the return

mark & his baby

you know, my friend mark*? well, he got a baby in the mail yesterday. a lensbaby that is. it's a funky little lens that was a belated purchase with birthday money from my parents. i took it for a spin tonight and only got around to snapping a few frames, but she is part of the family already.

pho with my friend, e.

walking down broadway.

*aka my canon 5D mark ii

the ballad of raa

which you can listen to here.

hello, rage.

hello, rage, it's me, nathania. we haven't met up in a while, thankfully, and the last time i can recall you even showing up for me at all was at the service of my acting classes and imagined circumstances and not as a product of my own life. i should be grateful that you are such a rare visitor, but right now quite frankly, i am not. i actually resent you and your violent mutterings when all i long for is a quiet space with kind words. your presence sullies me even though i know you are there to inform me. and so it goes: i resent you. i. hate. you. i ache you. i crunch and tear you. hoping at the very least to find apathy has been invited along to our dour party if not its distant and far superior relative, forgiveness.



hello? forgiveness? are you there yet? it's me, nathania. i'm waiting for my visit with rage to finish, but he's drawing things out quite selfishly while i tap my fingers and constantly look at the time. as he's a little blind to my hints it appears i'm stuck a little longer until you and i can meet for tea and invite your dear friend, reconciliation. be patient. don't get started without me. i'll see you both soon i hope.

the remains of the words

i want to look into your heart and know that i can trust you again, but tonight i can't and you aren't even looking back at me anyway. the sad thing is, i don't think it costs you all that much to have let me go. you get all the sugar coating. you get the happy ending. and you've moved on, leaving me to your indifferent care.

and, in the end, who's to blame if the letter of the law was followed, but the spirit {and mine} was crushed in the process?

....................................................................
....................................................................

currently listening to: 10 mile stereo - beach house
lyrics, even the bit that i've breezed over them, seem appropriate:

the heart is a stone and this is a stone that we throw
put your hand on this stone, it's the stone of a home you know
they say we will go far, but they don't know how far we'll go
with our legs on the edge and our feet on the horizon

they say we can throw far but they don't know how far we throw
with our legs on the edge, and our feet on the horizon
the heart is a stone, and this is a stone that we throw
they say we will go far, but they don't know how far we'll go

it can't be gone, we're still right here
it took so long, can't say we heard it all
limbs parallel, we stood so long we fell
tear a moment from the days that carry us on forever

this push and pull is the force of a wave of time
in the heat of the night, we would cry, you are not mine
they said we would go far, but they don't know how far we'd go
'cause this heart is a stone, and this is a stone that we throw

it can't be gone, we're still right here
it took so long, can't say we saw it all
limbs parallel, we stood so long we fell
tear a moment from the days that carry us on forever

it can't be gone, we're still right here
it took so long, can't say we felt it all
limbs parallel, we stood so long we fell
love's like a pantheon, it carries on forever

the remains of the day

treading dark waters tonight

still on the road to recovery.

a return to health always seems to be accompanied by both a breaking and reemergence of spirit. i'm currently stuck in between the breaking and the reemergence as it hasn't been a comfortable week emotionally. to say the least. i tried a couple of times to write about it, but only came across as whiny and snivelling, both of which were accurate, but not something i felt compelled to broadcast out beyond the few people {3 brave souls} that witnessed the physical or emotional collapses of the past week and spare change, often both together.

today is day nine and the first day that it felt actually tolerable to be in my skin and swallowing with my throat without painkillers or nyquill {which only serves to make me overly chatty if there is a friend on the other line of a phone call, or jittery yet fuzzy if i'm making efforts to sleep as i should}.

but my spirit is still trailing behind. on top of the usual sickness-and-escapist-reading induced existential crisis i always seem to encounter when i'm ill for more than 3 or 4 days, i was also dealt a heavy dose of change that i wasn't ready to have forced upon me. it was something i had tried to do several times, but always seemed to be talked back from my decision. and now the other wants to decide, and not as gently as i feel i deserved, so i am left, churlish and smarting, recognizing how it's fabulous for all involved and yet still feeling childish enough to be sore and slighted whenever i think about it. i am bigger than this, i know i am, and the support coming in from others only makes me feel worse. like the immature little sister who knows better but is still throwing a temper tantrum in front of the guests.

i am being obtuse, i know. but i am also ashamed. ashamed of the decision. ashamed of my reaction. ashamed i couldn't stand by my own truth and decision i had realized months earlier. ashamed of the implied rejection. ashamed. ashamed. angry and ashamed.

i am tired.
it's midnight.
i need to go to sleep with or without the aid of nyquill.
i need to restart the artist's way that got lost somehow in the chaos of christmas.
i need to find my spirit again.
i need to find my hope.
i need to be productive and get a lot done.
i need to relax.
i need to be finished. to lay and rest, an old woman, done with a long life and satisfied. i am tired of this rat race i fear will never change, and will only one day include a husband and children trapped running on the same wheel i find myself on. this year needs to be about slowing down. taking one task at a time. breathing. stretching.





i guess i am still a little lost right now.
pardon the rambles.





currently listening to: nothing. my body can't tolerate music when it's this burdened. it requires too much when i have nothing spare to give, most especially music like radiohead, so all i can take is quiet. quiet. quiet. quiet.

the biggest bitch i know

sometimes change is a mom, giving you a dose of what's best for you with or without a sugar coating that barely covers the taste.
and sometimes change is a friend, sidling up all cozy and snug, walking forward with you into new places.
and sometimes change is a bitch. plain and simple.




if only i weren't still too sick to put up much of a fight.




happy 2011. let it be a little more joyous and restful than the past 8 days have been.

recovering

outside for the first time in the new year. feeling better but also feeling robbed of being aware and present during the shift from one year to the next. while my birthday is a more intimate 'new year' for me, the turning of the year has the weight of the world's awareness behind it and so it feels bigger and more significant.

new years has always been the most spiritual of times for me. spiritual as in of my spirit: where it's been and where it's going.

so, as i recover from strep throat and being achy and miserable during the day, and soaking in sweats at night, i return home to my own space, immaculate from the scrubbing it got on new year's eve all the while trying not to begrudge the 'loss' of the past few days, reminding myself that one of my new year's intentions is to rest and relax more. slow down the frenetic need to accomplish, accomplish, and accomplish that has only served to make me feel like a hamster at its wheel.

poetically enough, i believe i got sick because i have neglected to not only to relax, but also to rest at night during the hours that i know are beneficial to me. staying up till one or two in the morning has become a new habit, completely in service of a never ending to do list. and as much as i tell myself otherwise, i know exactly what i need to do for myself, not only to treat myself well, but also to get where i want to go.

so, cheers to the new year and having the time, space and energy to put into action my knowledge.

happy new year

a lovely night welcoming in the new year, marred slightly by a sore throat that took over as the night progressed delivering aches and a fever to welcome in the new year.

at least the sun is out.