bad habits and heels

a list of tasks from week 3 of the artist's way include listing 5 people you admire. that, for me, is simple.

--meryl streep
--natalie portman
--colin greenwood
--jonsi
--and, of course, our dear friend thom yorke

the list could easily go on for days, but the ah-hah moment came to me when, in class, one of the instructors mentioned the second part of the task that asked you to list 5 people you secretly admire. and the way she described it was think about that person that you like but might be a little naughty for you to admit to admiring. and wham! it hit me just like that. i admire tim curry and his role of dr. frank-n-furter and i admire him a lot. that character, and tim curry within it, owns his sexuality, flaunts it around like he's the cat's meow, has so much fun doing it as ridiculous as he is, and strangely, despite the make-up and camp, ends up being sexy. all that charm and confidence and strut. i really wish i could explain my attraction. i guess it's that girl-envy awe of seeing someone own themselves and wish, truly wish you'd grow up some day to be able to do the same. now, i am not saying i want to cross dress or even be a women of his sort {funny, but true} or for my own version of myself to look in any way like his {no, my taste has not flown from me entirely}, but merely that i want to have the freedom to embrace a role, any which kind of role, both on stage and in real life, and own it without shame.

back when i was submerged in thom yorke this spring {cringe at how overdue that update is}, i had a dream i wrote about here where i was given a role that challenged that fear of being perceived as an attractive & sexual being {and this of course is synonymous as being seen as inadequate, ridiculous & failing miserably at my attempts}. needless to say, i tore down a hall crying in terror at the humiliation. this dream was not very far off from the deep down buried truth of how i see myself and i realize now, today, how much farther i still have to go. i might have my moments where i feel put together or cute, but often it's like that value is only on loan to me and people i wouldn't be attracted to or don't care about their opinion, everyone else is immune and i project on them the thoughts that can and will cut my confidence down.

except on those days when i don the red dress and can look anyone in the eye, i find a few things consistently get in the way but the one that keeps coming back, time after time after time is my height. though i should note that i no longer notice when my friends stand shorter than me, or when i'm the only person standing over a certain height in a group, or if i do, it's a quiet observation, not judgment ridden like it used to be. but as much progress as i've made, it continues to haunt me. the thinking that hangs on, clings to me as much as i put myself in situations to challenge it is that my height is the obvious proof of my inability to do anything but fall short {hardy har} of any standard of beauty others will have. yes, i know models can be 6 feet, but they are string bean slim, graceful and look great even on the frumpiest of days and for starters i know i will never have a slight frame. ever.

okay wait, rather than give in to this voice, or even waste more time articulating it's jabs, all i can do in this moment is pause and ask myself for something new entirely. the whining sentiments i've carried with me since kindergarten are old and worn out. time for a change.

shift in thinking...

so, i have this body, all 72 inches of it, and it's healthy and mine. and that's nothing to be ashamed of. right? right. yes, nathania, right. and, quite frankly, i think i'm a prettier woman than tim curry is* so what exactly is my problem in owning up to my potential? i've made a choice for decades to use my height against me and i guess it's time to choose to use it for me.

now go out there and watch rocky horror again, nat. see it at a big screen theatre in west seattle, and perhaps even don the doctor's heels, crazy make-up and bodice and go as curry's character. scary, but....hmmmm....

even the idea is liberating.

*and again, i let myself think this but won't let anyone else think this on my behalf.