last week i snapped at my mom. and by snapped, i mean, slammed the caps lock key down on my keyboard and bombarded the online chat we were having with big letters and loud words then abruptly closed my browser window after a hasty and huffy i have to go. good night. neither i nor my high school self i was channeling is proud of this moment*, but i've been mulling over the peace offering my mom sent to me later on that evening {while i was staying up way past my bedtime consoling myself with a rare browse through thom yorke youtube videos. normally watching video of him live is too evocative, to the point of slightly painful, so i just ignore the wealth of amazing videos to be found. that night i was prodding bruises i guess}.
but i digress.
the peace offering was an essay on trust. self trust. and specifically the concept of absolute self trust. unlike a lot of things my mom sends me, i read this one in full {sorry mom, i skim a lot of them....} and have kept it in my inbox to be opened up on occasion. even just a glance at a few sentences gives me strength and allows me live for a few lines in the possibility of absolute trust.
trust in self. absolute trust in myself.
it's a scary thing. terrifying. and one that i so desire to step into but i find that i'm faced with a push/pull between my own sense of mediocrity and safety that battles a deep seated desire for vibrancy and transcendence in my life. but i doubt myself. i doubt. i doubt. and i doubt some more for good measure. and i don't exactly know how to end this parasitic relationship i have with my doubt.
but, even so, i know the words are slowly working their way down my system as i feel the weight of my own inertia suddenly stirring in the forward momentum that i see manifesting in my life.
*in my defense, my mom and i have been working on a new way of communicating, which doesn't involve her getting up on a pulpit and switching to a preaching voice {pulpit=joke, preaching voice=totally serious}. it's been a learning experience for us both and a way for me to connect to her wisdom and care without having to filter out the ego/love-mask/whathaveyou that likes to step in and take over her truth.
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