the question "what is in the way of pursuing acting/performing as a way of life" has been rattling around in my head all week, and this is the rather painfully simple answer:
i am a perfectionist. wholly and completely.
coincidentally this week in the artist's way is one where julia writes a considerable amount on the topic of perfectionism and for the first time, i am not merely underlining the points {some of which are reproduced on the right, below} that stand out to me, but i'm writing copious amounts of notes in the margins {on the left, below}.
all the logical...................... the perfectionist has married the logic side of the brain...
reasons i can't be the actor
i want to be:
too old
not thin enough
not pretty enough
not talented enough
too tall
not driven enough
can't afford to take time
off for a project
it's also fear that...................... to the perfectionist, there is always room for improvement. the
if it's not perfect it.....................perfectionist calls this humility. in reality, it is egotism. it is pride
won't have ANY...................... .that makes us want to write a perfect script, paint a perfect
value...................... ...................painting, perform a perfect audition monologue.
...................... ...................... ......the perfectionist is never satisfied.
what do i need to...................... ...but at a certain point you let go and call it done. that is a
let go of in acting?...................... part of creativity--letting go.
being awful???
perfectionism is a paralyzing mentality and one i have maintained throughout my entire life of self-examination and emotional evolution and at some point i have to let it go. interestingly enough, az watched eddie izzard's biography online earlier this week and mentioned the fact that this world famous and brilliant {in my opinion} comedian made years of crap work before he found the rhythm of his voice and natural hilarity. and, i guess that's the key. i am terrified of the years ahead of me of bad work and am uncovering the fact that i am a little scarred from the bad work i've already done.
let me go back in time for a moment.
a year and a half ago i finished the 9 month acting intensive based off of meisner's teachings {the label meisner has a whole slew of postings on the topic that you might recall.} regardless, the culmination of all that growth and hard work was a presentation held for friends and family. the audience ended up packing the space, many of whom were people i knew to varying degrees: acting acquaintances i'd worked with in the past to dear friends, mentors and family that i had invited specifically. and the scene was performed and the class ended. and the thing that kills me to this very day is that only one person gave me any kind of feedback about the performance. my work. my hester. that moment in time of my incarnation as an actor and it there is this big black void of non-response completely engulfing the experience. and while i've been coached to take a performance in from my own perspective and to not rely on the audience, in this case the complete and utter silence reeks of failure.
i haven't been able to go back. not even audition for one thing since or even seriously consider auditioning. i haven't even joined tps so i can see the audition listings. a painful estrangement to an art form i have had so much longing for all my life.
and this brings me to the next section of julia's writing discussing risk.
--------.......................................the sucess of a creative recovery hinges on our ability to move
--------.......................................out of our head and into action. this brings us squarely to risk.
RISK...................... ..................most of us are practiced at talking ourselves out of risk.
-------...................... .................we are skilled spectators on the probable pain of self-exposure.
--------
{yes, there really are................in order to risk, we must jettison our accepted limits. we must
squiggles surrounding.............break through "i can't because..."
the word risk i wrote.............. usually, when we say we can't do something, what we mean is that
in the margins}...................... we won't do something unless we can guarantee that we'll do it
...................... ...................... .. perfectly.
and let me tell you, her words have hit home. hit. me. home. because i see myself as a risk taker. i know i am bold and daring and i live authentically in a place where i am vulnerable and risk hurt for the sake of living fully. but that's only in a space where i feel confident, connected and in touch with myself and my strengths: in relationship with others. i have spent my life inside my head, examining each thing i do, how others react to it and how that in turn comes back to me. this obsession with emotional minutiae has gifted me with a lot of insight and clarity into myself and others. i am able to quickly recognize and act on my emotions as i process things quickly and decisively. taking risks comes easily to me here.
but not in my acting. this is wrapped up so tightly in a ball of hopes and fears that all i can do is continually wish that i had started earlier, auditioned as a child, given up sports in high school in order to be in a school play, studied it in college, anything, anything, ANYTHING but starting from scratch {or near enough} as i flirt with my 30's.
but, as julia says earlier in the book {i'm paraphrasing}: how old will i be until i finally get any good at it? as old as you are if you don't even try.
on a slightly tangential note {it circles back, i promise}, last week in the artist's way meeting we spent 20-25 minutes going around the room to different stations and doing an activity posted on the wall. activities were:
play the WORST song on the piano possible. loudly. sing if you want, but only badly.
do the WORST mime ever.
play the WORST air guitar ever.
draw the WORST self portrait ever.
make the WORST painting ever.
do the WORST modern dance.
you get the point.
it was hard. i mean REALLY hard for me to do the first one. i ended up at the piano and when the facilitators said go i literally could not get my hands to play the piano badly. i couldn't even touch the keys. it was like that repellent force that magnets of the same polarity have that is elastic and buoyant. i literally had to psyche myself out to start pounding like a two year old on mountain dew. and despite the fact that we were all shouting things at the top of my lungs and i went through the wringer with robin on this particular meisner class, i still couldn't let go. i'm out of practice at being that free. i need to learn to let go again. i need to learn to risk in the acting space.
{my eyebrows pull together in certain humiliation and disappointment at the thought of what that entails}.
i wrote in a previous post that the journey to the lifelong relationship i envision and the journey to the artist career i envision is along a similar path, so let me borrow some of the relationship daring, certainty and risk and bring it over the to the art side for a bit.
stay tuned.
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