more dreams

my life came to an important moment of self-questioning last night and that question is: what part of me is getting in the way of me pursuing acting as a way of life?

i had just read week 7's chapter in the artist's way {which deserves an entry in itself} and as little as i've been working on this specific aspect of my artistic blockage, this entire chapter pointed to my un-aired desire to create and tell stories with my body, my spirit, my voice, my presence. not objects that i create, not even words, but myself. here. there. now. and tomorrow and tomorrow. as wonderfully and tragically flawed as i am at every given moment.

so last night i put down my to-do list, and even put down the never-ending work projects that i can't even seem to successfully chip away at, and i drew up a bath, lit one candle and soaked.

and as i rested there in the heat and dark, i drew into my body these questions i've been pushing away for years, or looking at aggressivly and saying not just yet. or there's not enough. or i'm not enough. and i voiced the question again and again: what part of me is getting in the way of my pursuit of acting?

i went to sleep an hour or so later, the question still on repeat in my head. and this is what i saw:

thom yorke* was touring and the tour was coming up. looming. soon. i felt it. expected it. anticipated it. but the dates hadn't been announced, preparations were still being made. and that was it. my anticipation and this awareness of a vast machine of details coming together in the distance. all the things to be organized, decided, all the people in motion to bring his work to us and to me.

and for the first time i am in touch with a feeling of hope that is starting to eclipse my feeling of failure and paralysis that has kept me here for years. decades even. right inside the scary brink of even venturing out and risking.



*i repeat here again how thom, the lead singer from radiohead, and by far my favorite artist appears in dreams as a symbol for the art i dream to make. the authenticity. the intensity. the honesty about the whole heartbreakingly beautiful spectrum of human existence and beyond. and interestingly enough, i see the path i have to travel to make the art i want to put forth into this world as running parallel, if not superimposed on the path i travel to be in the life-long relation/partnership i envision for myself. it's the same confidence, the same groundedness in spirit and body that is required to enter both authentically. and, the relevance between this belief and this post is that recently i've worked through both themes with dreams about concerts. but distinctly thom and not-thom concerts. the mind is a wonderous thing, no?