daily prayer

i just want time.
time that isn't for work or bills or unpacking.
time for fun that isn't escapism
and time for thinking that isn't just worried about being alone.

sun after some grey skies today

matching my mood. hope the skies clear, at least internally.

az is getting out of the ICU tonight!!!

another day

i had to sleep with the lights on last night. haven't been that afraid of the dark in years.

morning and all i can do is lay in bed getting later for work by 9 minute snooze increments while rubbing my feet against each other. a soft thing to feel. i can handle that.

what a weird two days. hopefully the close up view of life's fragility is done.*

-----

*az is still fine and on the mend, by the way.

into the foreground

this song has been on repeat since last night when it came up on my ipod's shuffle. e had initially sent it to me, but i guess it was just needing the right moment to be officially integrated into my music collection, and that time is now. winter winds are blowing away our summer. the flavor in the air, moving the trees and invading my house through open windows was almost creepy last night. az in the hospital. california reduced in size to memories. the slow motion turning of a 180 spin on the freeway. life has just been a little weird in the past thirty six hours.





take on another shift
palms in the middle, hands in the middle
work out another rift
something is muffled, another juggle

this is a foreground
it is a foreground

a cross country miss
take direction, can’t connect it
i’m afraid this is
ten detected, nine in a wreck and…
a little jetty fight
pattern evolving, motion insolvent
something about this might
take all evening,
i’ll just be cleaning

this is a foreground
it is a foreground

p.s. mom, you can watch it here.

goodbye california

for now.

the suns of santa barbara {day 1}

i am in santa barbara visiting a family i have gotten to know over the past four years. we met when i taught the kids {and even the mom} at the art studio back when i first graduated from college. it's been a year of teaching and then three and a half of babysitting, including long visits with the parents at the end of each date night.

so here i am, helping them out in the transition between moving south to santa barbara and the start of school, when new things will take the place of all the old and loved ones left behind.

meanwhile, i got to spend the day with my special friend, their youngest daughter, where we chased waves and let the waves chase us, hear the crash of the island-broken surf on the beach and the pebbly warmth of sand and stones beneath my feet. driving home she simply said "i had a lot of fun today" which is high praise in her world. and later, while making fresh orange juice after hitting up the two trees in the backyard, the older sister said "you know? i think of you as family..."

it was a good day.

suns and buildings pt 2

tomorrow evening i will be in santa barbara, ca.

a-punk

it never fails to make me happy. thanks, vampire weekend, for your tasty bit of fluff.

suns and buildings

my heart is lighter today than it's been in weeks. life is good.

jealousy

let jealousy be your teacher. jealousy can lead you to the very places where you most need healing. it can be your guide into your own dark side and show you the way to total self-realization. jealousy can teach you to live in peace with yourself and with the whole world if you let it.

deborah anapol

the park

a well earned respite in the park after a good but long weekend.

we met

and she's wonderful.

finally

on her way over
a little anxious
last minute cleaning
what to wear
make up

the heart aches that i will like her
the heart worries i won't.

i am not bulletproof

preface to this blog entry:

due to the number of people checking in to make sure i'm okay, i actually am quite okay, as is az. we've been navigating tough territory as he slooowly moves toward a new relationship {with someone i would love to see him with}, but in a way that the resolution comes quickly to each of my moments of being overwhelmed by panic/grief/hopelessness {that essentially are due to my belief that i am worthless to him if someone else has value}. while my anxiety has been coming up on a daily basis, it has been met head on by the two of us to understand, and resolve them in the moment. for the most part {i can think of two exceptions} i haven't gone to sleep anything less than peaceful and secure in our mutual love and admiration even as it's evolving and changing. which is a really good thing.

...................

i wish i could write to you about what the past two weeks have been for me. pick apart and put to words everything that's happened and construct some sort of through line. a moral of the story. a happy ending. but i can't. not just yet.

and i wish i had recorded the hour long conversation i had with one of my oldest friends today as i cried in the bathtub and took her through each gritty, honest, and heartbroken detail of these weeks. but i didn't, so i have to rely on the simple sound bites that stand out in my memory. you don't have to know the answers, nathania. you don't have to know...you are strong...you have such amazing clarity on everything that's happening...and, perhaps most importantly: your life's work is to find out how to take all this compassion you have and learn to turn it inward.

i want to write it all out because i need to hold on to both stories for my own good, to remember all the strength and life i have discovered in myself during this time and the strength and life she spoke to and affirmed in me saying exactly the right things {not one word was astray} sometimes non-stop for minutes on end. it was the perfect conversation that could only happen with someone who has known me and loved me for that long.

but i can't tonight. it's late. i am tired. and this has been a solid few weeks of downright dirty self examination of my own worth. or rather, of my own belief in my lack of worth, and how that rears itself again and again in relationships between lovers and partners, and friends even. and, not excluding the most recent relationship that's coming to its close.

i would like to give you all the golden details of this man's honesty and courage, to see the right things and do them and to speak into my worth. repeatedly. as many times as i need to be reminded of it. and i want to present the parallels to the last ex i wrote here about, and how differently i get to live out a similar situation merely by being partnered with someone who truly cares and knows how exactly to handle that care and apologize for any mishandlings in the process.

but tonight, all i can manage are hazy vignettes indicating the larger story. i am worn. my heart is less heavy now than all day today, but i've cried more days than i haven't recently and i would like to lay the weight down tonight. so for now, here are some photos i took of him, my dear dear friend and lover of a year and a half. and one of the bravest and most honorable people i have ever met.

if only, darling, i could be in love with you,
and if only you could be in love with me.

it should also be noted that as i started taking photos of him tonight, radiohead's bulletproof started playing on my computer {set to shuffle}. as i am currently taking a little break from their music, i would normally walk over and hit skip, but it was just a little too perfect to ignore. here are the lyrics {and you can listen to it here}:

limb by limb and tooth by tooth
tearing up inside of me
every day every hour
i wish that i was bullet proof

wax me
mould me
heat the pins and stab them in
you have turned me into this
just wish that it was bullet proof

so pay the money and take a shot
leadfill the hole in me
i could burst a million bubbles
all surrogate and bullet proof

and bullet proof
and bullet proof
and bullet proof

the old apartment

the sunny day. the final clean. the closing of a chapter. this space was good to me as much as i hoped for better. and so was az.

finally

summer has arrived in seattle

first night home since thursday

and so much to process. shine a light inside and clear away all the ghosts.

much needed sun

first day

the photos i am taking with mark are big and white and soft, dreamy focus. i will send those when i have internet. till then, the phone will have to be my lens.

happy weekends.

and sahra, so happy to hear you are well.

almost free...

except there's a crapload more shopping and packing to do.....

thursday is the new friday

at least it is for me this week. heading into four days off, three of which will be spent on the peninsula on what will hopefully be a relaxing retreat.

in response to closure

a comment and response worth its own space {but reading the post below will put this into a little perspective first}:

from e:

Oh Nat, yes. I'm not sure if I can forgive him yet for being so cruel. Maybe when the real thing comes along, one who is not so hollow, one who is so wonderfully human and imperfect at that, but willing to share those pieces with you (instead of drive them between the two of you).

Maybe then. But this isn't my blog, its yours. And I'm sooo glad this closure has come.

my response:

ede, my lovely ede, my champion and best friend. thank you for that one word in your response: cruel. it scoops up all his actions and pins them neatly into one clean syllable. somehow i find it satisfying to have someone else find him "cruel" as well, in a way i can't explain. i guess because there are still a few dying echoes of my own belief i somehow deserved how he treated me.

i wish i could say i wouldn't be upset if i saw him in person tomorrow, or even, perhaps a year from now. but hopefully the other side of my own wedding {to that far worthier person i haven't met yet}, along with our own adventures and first kids will let me no longer worry about how some man once dropped me like a hot potato. but honestly, at this moment, i do have the last dredges of hurt. the part of me that still wishes for him to come to me with that apology he knows deep down he still owes me.

but all of this is really so small in comparison to having my own faith in myself restored. faith in my ability to make sense of people and emotions. i'm not a genius at it, but i do have a sense about things and an intuition i have come to trust. and that is what he destroyed. by doing one thing, yet always saying he was motivated by another, he completely shattered my ability to make heads or tails of what happened and shook the trust i had in my intuition. and now the picture makes sense, and my inner senses and i are fully reunited and forgiveness is no longer an issue so much.

bigger things are happening.

closure

i have a confession to make. one that many of the social networking generation is guilty of:

i, nathania tenwolde, confess that every couple of months, in a fit of restlessness or boredom, i'd google my ex.

and not just any ex, but the big ex, and really, the only one that matters in terms of ex-ness {all the rest of the ones worth mentioning i am proud to say are still great friends}. and even after a rather dull pull on the first, and second, and fifth googles or facebook searches, i still found myself prodding at the bruise, looking for something long after i have stopped looking for or even wanting anything from him.

and last night, somewhere around midnight, i finally found it. it wasn't the recently updated relationship status that confirmed what he told me a year ago, but rather the anniversary date of his relationship with his current girlfriend, which was something he never EVER could come clean on. because, you see, that anniversary date lands during the time we were still together. in fact, just a mere day or so after we ended our last clear and connected phone call with the standard, and at least on my part authentic, i love you's.

what's more, that was the weekend everything fell apart and he changed pretty much overnight {after not returning any emails or phone calls for a few days--later justified because he had been traveling}. and in the unnecessarily long and drawn out disintegration of the relationship, he did absolutely everything but admit to what had really happened. i even asked point blank: did you sleep with someone. to which he responded {after a one...two...beat pause}. "no." that was a long pause before you answered. {slight pause} "what do you mean?" i mean, if you asked ME if i had slept with someone, i wouldn't have to pause and think of the answer. i could just say, no.

a year later he still threw out some rigmarole about this reason and that reason that it didn't work out, but even then i saw how clearly they were sad little excuses that danced to a tired little tune trying to distract me from the real reason that was hulking silently in the corner. something i could always sense, but wasn't allowed to see.

but i closed that book long ago and walked on, in large part knowing i should be happy i didn't end up with him but haunted by my own inability to understand exactly what had gone so wrong. as much as i knew that no one makes such an abrupt shift without something changing, particularly if that something is in the shape of a female in the bed next to you and more effortlessly enjoyed than the one a hemisphere away, but i couldn't be sure i wasn't fabricating his guilt at my own need to make some sense out of it all.

so after a good night's rest i woke up today finally free of the burden i had carried for two and a half years. free of guilt for the ugly, drawn out nature of the break-up, free of the frustrations of not being able to trust my own instincts about what had happened, free of any remaining daydreams about ending up together. because while all he had to do was say i've met someone else {with maybe even an "i'm sorry for cheating on you" thrown in there for good measure}, i blamed myself for holding on too tightly, for trying too hard, for being too needy, etc {trust me the list goes on too far}...now i can finally give him back his fair share, both for the infidelity and for the lies afterward. and whatever you can say about attraction, you have a choice to move forward with it or a choice to be loyal, even if loyalty is extended merely to the point of ending things openly and honorably, neither of which was done here.*

shortly after finding out the one thing i've been looking for, i was able to cheerfully block him on facebook and be fine with never hearing his name again for the rest of my life.

free at last, free at last. god, almighty, i am free at last.

--------
an eloquent example of the situation as illustrated in the movie closer:

dan: i fell in love with her, alice.
alice: oh, as if you had no choice? there's a moment, there's always a moment, "i can do this, i can give into this, or i can resist it", and i don't know when your moment was, but i bet you there was one.

the color of my relief

i put a heavy burden down today. one that i have been carrying
unnecessarily for two and a half years. more later, but this is a
start for you.

fire suns

sahra, i know you know more than you want to about sunsets near forest
fires, but here is my less than spectacular photo of a spectacular
evening sun turned bright red from some forest fires happening.

little perks

or big ones, depending on how you look at it.

first bath in the new space and i finally discovered that my tub is
long enough for my legs to stretch out in. all the way. even
slouching. this is quite a feat at my height and a perk of the new
space not to be underestimated. i can already tell i am going to make
it through this winter with a double dose of baths.

expectations

this time i expected it, waiting for it in the pause of the conversation that followed the progression of topics from inception*, to christopher nolan {the director}, to the dark knight {his previous film}. that's when it came--the space where the pause sat and cooled its heels, and i strolled up and joined it there, counting down the moments it took for the other person to make the now predictable comparison and say "you know, you look a lot like maggie gyllenhaal."

and i don't know what any of this means, but it does mean something, somewhere in me, to be constantly compared to someone i would love be like in a lot of ways. and i know she's a quirky beauty, but at least she's considered a beauty in her own way and that's something too.


*which deserves its own entry

getting practice

it's been so long since this space has been a part of my daily life, i have kind of lost the sense of when i have something cooking that needs to come out in words and pictures and that need not only be written down for me, but arranged and presented for you, too.

i think living alone will give me more time. at least, i hope, but this first week has gone by and there is still so much yet to be done for my new apartment, and there is always work to be done for my job. which is frustrating. my job should not rule my life. and i feel the gaps in my productivity, i know i'm not doing things as efficiently as i can and would like to, because i NEED more time for myself. i need time to make my own art, not just be creative for the sake of an income.

i want to write blogs again and emails. i have so many emails to write. long emails. months of updates to distribute. in-progress paintings that are aching to be worked on, walls that are begging to be adorned with yet un-realized work. and i want. need. must. make the leap and start making my life about my own art.

so this space is for that. my little sanctuary that surprised me in asking for white duvets and towels accented by light greys and steel blues. i'm not one for neutrals normally, or at least not a predominance, but my bathroom and bedroom are mostly whites. light. airy. free. even the walls are this soft beige that is a perfect color alongside the pristine white molding and details of the rest of the space. the ceilings are high. the southern facing windows, soft and constant.

this is a good place to start. more soon. nighty, night.



currently listening to: pandora radio - skinny love radio

listening to vampire weekend's white sky

but busy making mine golden.

green/iceland

had a dream last night i was traveling though greenland, but often
confusing it for iceland (and i think in the strange way of dreams it
actually was iceland). it was just a short plane right north and the
land was beautiful and magical. at one point i was actually flying
over the land giddy with the rich colors (but at the same time
desaturated) below me. i felt strong and adventurous and flying was
amazing as it always is in dreams. there were others. we were on a
mission. but details have faded.

i've felt for some time now a pull toward iceland. maybe this is
another push in that direction.

l{one}liness {pt. 2.}

this poem by e.e. cummings is one i used in a freshman year project and one of the few pieces of my art i am sad i no longer possess. it didn't fit in my suitcase coming back from freshman year so it got folded up and put in the trash. it was a 2-d project that involved inking in these strips of 1" by 4" pieces of paper with black pen to create these bands of black and white graphics that were then rearranged into a design somehow linked to a piece of writing. mind you, we filled in all the strips without knowing what the final result would be, so i was delighted with how easily i could create this vertical design that elegantly mimicked the zig zag descent of a leaf.

is a little lost on modern keyboards where there is a visual distinction between a letter 'l' and a number '1.' so for the sake of preserving the integrity of the poem, i've made all the number '1's into l's.

l(a

le
af
fa
ll

s)

one
l

iness

l{one}liness

getting used to being alone again. it's a funny thing how much i wanted my own space, yet now i find myself sad and feeling rejected left and right and just overall mopey despite the fantastic step this is for me. asking for exactly what i want. getting exactly what i want. and being available to the other things that haven't arrived yet and will be just as wonderfully perfect yet perfectly flawed as i can and can't imagine.
am i making sense?
or not.
i don't know that i care either way, but the house is starting to take shape and i hope the heaviness of spirit {that is probably exhaustion parading about in emotional form}
will fade.

see you all soon. thanks again for your patience.

..........................................

i revisit here a quote from winterson's stone gods:

'loneliness isn't about being by yourself. that's fine, right and good, desirable
in many ways. loneliness is about finding a landing-place, or not, and
knowing that, whatever you do, you can go back there. the opposite of loneliness
isn't company, it's a return. a place to return.'

i want my home to be a place to return to.
soon.

last commute from the old place

And not to worry, new address forthcoming. :)

packing

late nights
going through the clutter
finding a few things from the past that still resonate.
old art work {by the way i found an emotional/space compromise that includes keeping those few high school pieces}, photos of an old ex on some random cd, and art supplies i still want to make something out of.

this piece is from a late-college self portrait shoot {the final product is also below}.
it was the only time i would appear in front of the camera semi-nude {only the tops of my shoulders appeared}, despite all the other students having done {tasteful} self-portrait nudes of some form or another.

i am still shy.

anyway, the sleepy, meandering point i'm trying to make is that i like the way my hand is illuminated. the hand.

long awaited details

well, not quite as long as some other things {like how the thom yorke shows went: too much for my tired mind, body and spirit to articulate at this moment}, but still long enough.

so without further ado, here is my new place. it's the loveliest place i have ever lived in surpassing even my darling studio at the new mcdermott. this apartment is the grown-up and matured version of that studio, and i am over-the-moon excited to start living here.

here we go:

the entryway with kick ass columns, a little nook that will perfectly fit one of my little wooden tables, and a walk in closet that will become the home to all my canvases and art supplies.

the living room, hopefully/probably large enough for at least one of my red couches and will definitely be a home to my new bookcase from my great-grandpa that perfectly matches said wooden table as well as the dark wood of the doors.

the formal dining room with an amazing light fixture i didn't noticed until the trip after i took these photos. this room is the reason why this apartment is perfect for me size-wise. it's got plenty of room for not only by table and chairs, but also a full studio and painting space for me to spread out and be creative. i just can't tell yet which of the two spaces will be closer to the window and which will be by the interior side of the room. oh, and notice the picture ledge that is about eye-level around the circumference of the room...

the kitchen with its original cabinetry, counter top space and storage galore, window and gas stove. i am in heaven. and not pictured here is the built-in book shelf normally for cook books but will end up being a colored selection still to be determined.

{first self-portrait in space}

the bedroom, with two windows, a second walk in closet, and space for my queen bed & desk. note: the blue tape around the windows is due to a painting project they are about to complete on the well-maintained exterior of the building. oh, and i get to keep flower boxes outside all of my windows. it will be my little dahlia garden except for outside the kitchen, which will be herbs.



the bathroom with its hardwood floor, window {every room has at least one window!}, and the only space with not enough storage, but i'm already on the hunt for a particular kind of cabinet that will be just perfect for storage as well as a little counter top for my jewelry.

a long shot from the kitchen through the whole apartment. kitchen, dining room, living room, bedroom and bathroom & walk-in closet at the far end.

oh, and to be noted, 1. the managers are splendid folks with a charming sense of humor. they work in the graphic design field in the medical industry and do things like take note of the sexy-smooth finish of some of the lease papers i was signing {mohawk paper}. definitely my kind of people. and 2. when i brought the first load/s of boxes {about 2/3 of my books} yesterday i met three people in the hall and each one not only said hello, but also introduced themselves. i met melody, my neighbor and she has a husband, peter, who was down the hall. melody helped me get my door open the first time which was a bit problematic. then i met wendy, the vietnamese lady who used to live in my apartment and just vacated this month to live with her daughter down the hall until mid-month when they move into a house together. perfect timing, wendy. and then i met jeremy, the nice bloke downstairs who was taking some food out to the yard waste/food composting bin {which is proof that it can be done in the city without attracting rats}. i now know almost as many people in the building after one day as i know from my building from ten months.

welcome to my home.

i may have found my new place

humility

going through my possessions as I prepare for this next move. I have
slowly pared down my collection of college, high school and even pre-
high school art and am never sure if I will regret it at a later date.
this is the last of it and I am on the fence. thoughts?

notes from the shadows

the first day over 75 degrees in 9 months and i don't know what to do with the heat. finding myself taking refuge in the shadows.

house hunting

time suck. headaches. sore eyes. craigslist. notes made. numbers written. phone calls made. messages left and not returned. driving around in rain. apartment viewings. at worst, creepy buildings where something bad must have happened. at best, lovely spaces that are too small and not quite good enough anyway. asking price is too high. what can i afford. craigslist. craigstlist. craigslist. searching whether i want to or not. searching when i should be working or sleeping. trying to be open minded. looking in all of seattle but gravitating towards capitol hill, walking distance to everywhere because if you live here you can't afford your car or your parking spot. craigslist again till my eyes burn. hope.

hope for something so great that it leaps out at me. hope that i can afford it. hope that it even exists and is big enough. hope i make it through this and that we, my new space and i, have a happy reunion and lovely life together for as long as it lasts.

wish me luck.

and wish me sanity.

the longest day of the year

and it's just closing here on camera at 9 something at night.
i can't believe the year is almost halfway done....

a few words

the first word:
epoch.
it came to me in the middle of an early saturday morning.
i couldn't sleep.
restless with the knowledge that things were about to change, and not sure exactly where to rest myself in the meantime.
excited.
thinking.
and unfortunately not sleeping until 3:30 or 4:00 in the morning.

at some point in my restless tossing and turning and iphone sudoku playing, i checked my email and found the word epoch staring back at me. and while i'm quite familiar with definitions two and three, it is one that stood out as new and relevant to me.

epoch \EP-uhk\, noun:

1. the beginning of a distinctive period in the history of anything.
2. a particular period of time marked by distinctive features or events.
3. a memorable date.

here i am, a few weeks later, trying to keep my flagging spirits up as i begin the search for a new apartment. i have high standards and too low of an income to find what i want easily. what i'm looking for seems about double my current budget.

but i digress into self pity.

the second word:
ruth.
which also happens to be my middle name, defined here with another surprising amount of relevance.

ruth \ROOTH\, noun:

1. compassion or pity for another.
2. sorrow or misery about one's own misdeeds or flaws.
3. in the bible, a moabite woman who married boaz and became an ancestor of david: the daughter-in-law of naomi.
4. book of the bible bearing her name.
5. a female given name.

a placeholder

for all the things i've been meaning to write about:

thom yorke.
thom yorke.
thom yorke.
siff (and edward norton)
my apartment search.
imogen heap, who is the most charming person i've ever seen and i got to watch her perform for 2 1/2 hours this past monday. yipee.
my crazy notenoughbreathingroom life.
the new vet art seattle retreat in early august.
making art. hopefully.

and that's it. thanks for your patience. in the meantime, i'll leave you with a little clip from monday's show. she spent 10 minutes getting a key signature and melody from the crowd then improvising a song for us on the spot. the song will be available for purchase in the next few days and all the money will go directly to a non-profit that the seattle fans selected.

she's turning into another hero of mine. :)



mom, you can see it here.


currently listening to: imogen heap these days. it took me a while to get into her music having only known the popular hide and seek and her frou frou work like let go (think garden state), but after seeing her live i get it completely now.

finally!

A sunny day and finally on my way to see 'the hedgehog'. The walk was
a speedy mile and a half (didn't want the tickets to sell out and I
got ticket numbers 9 and 8 left...a little close) of city streets,
sunshine and radiohead beats.

The movie was brilliant but could have easily been 30 minutes longer
to help fill in the gaps between the audience that hasn't read the
book and the story. I enjoyed it a lot though. Started crying a little
too soon because I knew what was coming.

after the dentist

walking out in the sun
still a little anxious from the experience
of having my crown popped
in and out as i waited and waited and waited
for my tooth to just fall apart in my mouth.

but i was in good hands
and i'm done with dental work for now thank goodness.