l{one}liness

getting used to being alone again. it's a funny thing how much i wanted my own space, yet now i find myself sad and feeling rejected left and right and just overall mopey despite the fantastic step this is for me. asking for exactly what i want. getting exactly what i want. and being available to the other things that haven't arrived yet and will be just as wonderfully perfect yet perfectly flawed as i can and can't imagine.
am i making sense?
or not.
i don't know that i care either way, but the house is starting to take shape and i hope the heaviness of spirit {that is probably exhaustion parading about in emotional form}
will fade.

see you all soon. thanks again for your patience.

..........................................

i revisit here a quote from winterson's stone gods:

'loneliness isn't about being by yourself. that's fine, right and good, desirable
in many ways. loneliness is about finding a landing-place, or not, and
knowing that, whatever you do, you can go back there. the opposite of loneliness
isn't company, it's a return. a place to return.'

i want my home to be a place to return to.
soon.