a comment and response worth its own space {but reading the post below will put this into a little perspective first}:
from e:
Oh Nat, yes. I'm not sure if I can forgive him yet for being so cruel. Maybe when the real thing comes along, one who is not so hollow, one who is so wonderfully human and imperfect at that, but willing to share those pieces with you (instead of drive them between the two of you).
Maybe then. But this isn't my blog, its yours. And I'm sooo glad this closure has come.
my response:
ede, my lovely ede, my champion and best friend. thank you for that one word in your response: cruel. it scoops up all his actions and pins them neatly into one clean syllable. somehow i find it satisfying to have someone else find him "cruel" as well, in a way i can't explain. i guess because there are still a few dying echoes of my own belief i somehow deserved how he treated me.
i wish i could say i wouldn't be upset if i saw him in person tomorrow, or even, perhaps a year from now. but hopefully the other side of my own wedding {to that far worthier person i haven't met yet}, along with our own adventures and first kids will let me no longer worry about how some man once dropped me like a hot potato. but honestly, at this moment, i do have the last dredges of hurt. the part of me that still wishes for him to come to me with that apology he knows deep down he still owes me.
but all of this is really so small in comparison to having my own faith in myself restored. faith in my ability to make sense of people and emotions. i'm not a genius at it, but i do have a sense about things and an intuition i have come to trust. and that is what he destroyed. by doing one thing, yet always saying he was motivated by another, he completely shattered my ability to make heads or tails of what happened and shook the trust i had in my intuition. and now the picture makes sense, and my inner senses and i are fully reunited and forgiveness is no longer an issue so much.
Oh Nat, yes. I'm not sure if I can forgive him yet for being so cruel. Maybe when the real thing comes along, one who is not so hollow, one who is so wonderfully human and imperfect at that, but willing to share those pieces with you (instead of drive them between the two of you).
Maybe then. But this isn't my blog, its yours. And I'm sooo glad this closure has come.
ede, my lovely ede, my champion and best friend. thank you for that one word in your response: cruel. it scoops up all his actions and pins them neatly into one clean syllable. somehow i find it satisfying to have someone else find him "cruel" as well, in a way i can't explain. i guess because there are still a few dying echoes of my own belief i somehow deserved how he treated me.
i wish i could say i wouldn't be upset if i saw him in person tomorrow, or even, perhaps a year from now. but hopefully the other side of my own wedding {to that far worthier person i haven't met yet}, along with our own adventures and first kids will let me no longer worry about how some man once dropped me like a hot potato. but honestly, at this moment, i do have the last dredges of hurt. the part of me that still wishes for him to come to me with that apology he knows deep down he still owes me.
but all of this is really so small in comparison to having my own faith in myself restored. faith in my ability to make sense of people and emotions. i'm not a genius at it, but i do have a sense about things and an intuition i have come to trust. and that is what he destroyed. by doing one thing, yet always saying he was motivated by another, he completely shattered my ability to make heads or tails of what happened and shook the trust i had in my intuition. and now the picture makes sense, and my inner senses and i are fully reunited and forgiveness is no longer an issue so much.
bigger things are happening.