first two nights

it's strange how un-nervous i was. the anxiety and worry, the restlessness i would expect, they simply weren't there. a little bit of oh shit, we actually have to do this! and a thought or two about whether or not all the lines are memorized, those sorts of things eeking into my brainspace, but otherwise, a steady calm i didn't expect.

i wish i could bring you in more on this journey, to share and preserve what is happening. i wish i could tell more stories. i wish i could find feelings and words for these first few days – these first few shows – of such significance to me....but i can't. and while on some level, i would say i don't have the time or energy, i think on another level entirely, i am cut off from vulnerability of the bigger picture, engrossed instead in the daily tasks of putting up show, running it and then taking it down again each night and goinggoinggoing for seven days straight.

my story is drowning in details.

i will have time. i will find my way back into the bigger picture, the massive victory, the bold and beautiful move that this production is for me.

but tonight, all i can think of is sleep. sweet, sweet sleep. and an overwhelming gratitude for the people who have flocked around me, offering their enthusiastic support. my friends who have come to the show so far {yes, you, sea-oh, megan, eden, michael, spring, jp, justin, julie, lj, lj, lj! bob and michelle, jon, amanda, josh, chris...}, those from afar who have spanned the distance with emails, phone calls, texts, facebook messages, all with such simple and earnest support. and even before, all the people who came together for kickstarter, who have witnessed me work for months, spill over in frustration and exhaustion....you are mobilizing around me and giving me such care.

but there is one person in particular....i have to mention this one moment. opening night done, the crowd mostly scattered and one person steps forward to give me a familiar smile. i automatically smile back the smile reserved for a deardeardear friend. then my face fell and i practically shouted what the fuck are you doing here??? our gaze locked, the words spanning between us, a net to catch the tears that followed the rush of sound. my dear lindsey jo who was supposed to be in FARGO, NORTH DAKOTA and who had flown in 6 hours before in order to see my show opening night.

that was how big it is. this moment. this step for me. and to have her there, acknowledging it, sharing it, pouring into me all the love and support, the surrogate for all the faraway friends and family that couldn't come...

i am overwhelmed.

i am grateful.

lj and her sheepish smile that encompasses the joy and beauty of her being here.