3am

i am afraid.
i am afraid of failure.
i am afraid of the next two shows, of not improving, of not taking the time to deepen the character as i know i can. as i know i should. the lines. go over them again. find a new softness. vulnerability. there are so many layers to this play that i see so clearly, but can't seem to create. i am a beginner but at least i've begun, right?
and i'm afraid of my eating habits – that they will stick here, regressed by a few years, maybe more. contemplating dark thoughts. worried that i'll loose all the progress i made this summer. size six is so close....
i don't know what the hell is going on. where is all the progress i've made since july?
i am afraid of having been caught red handed and shame-faced.
i am messy.
i am better than this.
i am tidier.
i am more relaxed.
i am stronger.
i am more together.

except i am not. at the moment at least.

so what's up, nathania? seriously.
my dear, my darling. where is your self-softness? where is your strength? 
you know it's quietly waiting, buried under all that criticism you're lashing about. 
a strength so tangible and expansive merely brushing up against it reduces you to tears. 
so what's wrong?

i am afraid. i am afraid. i am afraid.

but that's always how i know i'm on the right track. it's how i know i'm pushing the understood boundaries of myself. here be danger. uncharted territory. lack of sleep. pressure. decisions. important decisions. where to store my things for the next two and a half months, where to travel in europe. how long? can i afford it? is it good enough? am i good enough?


nathania. 

yes?

relax, please, and be grateful. grateful for the challenges of your existence. grateful you're not perfect. grateful you have a place to grow surrounded by people who will be gracious with your messiness. your imperfect words. your shame. your impatience. your inability to accurately articulate the things you are seeing. no, you are not blind. yes, you are right. but you still need to relax.


okay. inhale. yes. thank you. i am stepping back from the ledge, gripping the cool brick of the wall behind me. feet planted on the ground.
grateful.
grateful.
grateful.
i am so grateful for my fear. for the directions it makes me turn. for the fact that it pushes me.
i am grateful for my running gear, my long limber legs that will bring my body back to itself. i am grateful for the courage of those who love me best. i am grateful for my family and the lovely gathering we will have tomorrow. i am grateful for the job i get to do, that supports me better than i ever have been supported before with coworkers i enjoy. i am grateful for this holiday season of family photos. for the fall. for the new coat i haven't quite convinced myself i can afford, even though i know it's an amazing piece of textile and a long term investment in warmth and wardrobe {and i'm in love with it already}. i am grateful for hope, for patience, for these messy times when i am at the edge of myself.

i welcome grace. i welcome grace. i welcome peace. i welcome grace.


happy thanksgiving.