bruises

i fell in slow motion today.
the distance between where i wanted to land
and where i ended up landing
stretched out ........................... i........ n ...........d ...... e . . f ....... i ......... n ....... i...... t .......e........ l ........y
as my body floated downward
carried forward by the weight of the television i carried in my arms

until it hit the wall and i hit the ground.


i had to sit on the floor for a few moments in amazement and shock, staring at my ring that so recently adorned my right pinky and now was sitting in a pile of crumbling plaster that had also until recently been living peacefully on the surface of the wall. then we scooted quickly on in to eden's new apartment before anyone figured out i put that new gouge in the wall.

i immediately hit the ground again, with her this time, laughing, all the while nonchalantly surveying the damage to my knees and ankles and listening to her in disbelief as she said

well of course, you even fall gracefully.

hmm...that even weighs a few pounds.
i guess i did feel a bit graceful as i smoothly glided for the 15 seconds (perceived time) that i spent traveling the one and a half/two seconds (actual time) between the tricky step and the floor, but i don't feel graceful most days.

just big and flailing.

more thinking on the difference between perceived truths and objective truths when it comes to self-image. all this personal growth since high school and yet the gap still seems to be lingering.

this morning's sun

sun/sky has a home!

hello my friends. most of you know about the ongoing exchange i have with my friends sahra from australia and cameron from canada. we've been sending suns and skies back and for for over a year now and finally our photos have their own home. i've tried to keep you updated on them all, but there are just too many, so now you can go here to see all lovely skies from around the world.

i'll still post the sun and sky photos here every now and again because i'd just miss it too much otherwise.

spring suns

celebrate!

i have my third commission.
a painting that is already resonating with me. this will be a thom yorke and jonsi playlist painting. true love waits, all for the best, grow till tall sort of mournful reach toward hope and the sky.

thank you, universe.

end of an era

yes, i still owe you several big stories of the last three weeks of my life. they've been life changing and i also can confidently claim having changed other people's lives as well during this time. two...three, rather, to be specific.

but, enough of the teasers. you'll just have to be patient as i recover from a cold and from the shocking reality of returning to normal life, which has always been tough for me. though i've noticed that every time it seems to get a bit harder--the bottom gets scraped with a little more force before i'm allowed to start moving upward again cradling new bruises.

when i got back from coachella {and before i got too sick} i was seized with the need to purge, simplify and mobilize my life, and while a full grocery bag has already been disposed of, two items i never though i would say goodbye to are also about to depart.

while i am in recovery {both physical and mental/emotional}, i want to spend a moment to both mourn and celebrate letting go of two iconic pieces of clothing.

the first is this t-shirt given to me by one of my best friends right before i left australia. july 2002. i can still remember the circumstances of me first acquiring a la 'borrowing', and then right before i left townsville for good, he gave it to me outright. i never thought i would part with it but i have to admit the fit is no longer comfortable and/or flattering, and the friendship, though it's one i no longer have much of a sustained connection to, does not need to be clung to via a piece of red fabric and white lettering collecting dust in the closet.

love, i know when/if i see you again it will be as if no time
has passed, but why didn't you tell me you were getting
married? invite me even if i couldn't fly to either
the australia or the sweden weddings? and damnit
at least send me a short email to say your wife is now
pregnant? really. just two lines.
hello. my wife is pregnant. i love you.
okay, i guess that's three. ha, always wanting more.
yep, that's me.

so, there you have it. it's gone from my wardrobe. and good riddance.

stop having second thoughts, nathania.

i kept it back from the original load down to the clothing donation bin in order to photograph it for this entry and so it's dangerously still within keeping/further-dust-collecting distance...must. move. soon.

the next piece i'm rather sad to say goodbye to as it's been a faithful friend since i purchased it the summer of 2005. it's seen a lot of good use and i've been so happy with my brown gap cords {a tan pair i bought at the same time has seen about 1/4 of the use and never had the magic of the brown ones}. oh how they aged so gracefully and kept me feeling long and lean even when i wasn't so much. but, what was an inconvenient but ignorable hole along a seam turned into an 8 inch tear today and i really am mourning their demise.

you can see me here, unloading into my very first home all for myself. november 2008. it was the night after getting the keys and eden and i brought a load over and unpacked for a few minutes before going out for pho back at our ballard spot. what a lovely night. one of many i spent so comfortably clothed in faded brown cords that hugged my hips in just the right spot.



to purging and moving forward!

chick flicks.

i love them but can't stand the humiliation factor ubiquitous to the
genre. currently in bed recovering from a bad cold and having to pause
every few minutes of 'the confessions of a shopaholic.'

makes me wonder about other parts of my life and why i find
humiliation so unbearable.

ok, i go to continue my next few minutes of deliberately interrupted
viewing and will hopefully rally enough to get out of bed and do
something with my day.

procrastinating

but thinking of you both....

one revolution at a time

i've always been mesmerized by windmills.
they make me feel lonely and sad even as i am awed by their beauty.

my departing view of the valley was this forest of windmills.
i couldn't stop photographing them.
but maybe that was just my way to try and elongate those last goodbyes.

sigh.

still recovering from returning to real life after back-to-back adventures. yesterday i got the front room cleared, today was the bedroom and putting all that clothing away. orders are completed for work. purgs are still yet to be sent {way behind on that}. blogs still yet to be written...

one day at a time.
one spin of the wheel at a time.












currently listening to: coco rosie & imogen heap.

homeward

home again, home again, jiggedy jig.

post coachella sun

day three will be posted after my holga film is developed.

till then, decompressing by the pool.

last show for now

oh, thom.
thanks for tonight.
last show
for now

so i guess that means i'll have to make do on my own for a while.

waiting for thom....

thom yorke dreams {pt. 2}

somewhere around 4am last night, i was sitting in a hot tub with two of my coachella clan,
and one of them asked me what i would say to thom if i ever met him.
it was a good question.
and one i only had a brief response to:
i would look him in the eyes and thank him.
thank him for being a conduit.
thank him for providing over a decade of resonance for me.
just thank him.

then last night, i had probably the most intimate dream of him yet.

it was post show, coachella, but somehow we were in new york city out in central park.
night time.
i walked up to him
and just like that, he looked all the way through me and asked me: what do you want?
but not as hey stranger, what do you want? but nathania, dear, what do YOU want? from me? from life? from yourself?
and i don't know what my answer was, but it seemed to be bigger and denser than my dreamself could fathom.
and i didn't need to search for it because it was there, ready, waiting
and it filled me up.

then he asked "will you walk with me?"
and i said YES with all my heart
but without having to say a word.

i got my walk.
and i even feel like i got many more.





it's only a matter of time now.

coachella day 2 sun

first coachella sun

i'm in california

thom yorke dreams

pt 1.

between the two shows last week i had a dream:

i was given an acting role where i had to embrace my sexuality and i
froze up i got so scared. (a week and a day later) the image i
remember most from the dream is running down a long hall sobbing at
the thought of being seen as a sexual being...what humiliation i would
feel...what judgments of unworthiness i would incur...

gut wrenching sobs.

there was some sense of embrace/closure at the end of it, but its
image has faded in a way the grief and terror has not.

pt 2.

last night's dream:

i got to see three radiohead/thom yorke shows in a row and perhaps
even all in one day. each show got progressively smaller and more
remote and the final show took place out in a canyon in the middle of
nowhere and the audience topped off around 40. but i was among the
lucky chosen.

and not just to be in the audience.

i still remember the joy and awe at being guided into the same plane
(that we needed to access this remote location) as the band. he was
right there. so nonchalant and casual.

oh the teasing nature of dreams.

still catching up

to blog list:

1. the retrieval {explain what that means and why it was so dang important}
2. thom. thom. thom. nyc.
3. jonsi
4. my current transition
5. coachella {which hasn't yet happened but already means a lot}

thanks for being patient.

heading into a jonsi show

And still considering coachella music fest....

let down

i'm letting myself down again
my feet are brushing the floor
soon i'll be on my knees looking up at the sky
much like thom last night after the glorious guitar work that wrapped
up the show
it's done for now
my friends are dispersed
and i am trying to keep myself together at the airport while waiting
for my ride
because here i am
back again
dispairing that nothing is different
even though somewhere i know that this time everything is.

photos from the shows

the write-up of the whole event will come, but in several parts. in the meantime, some visuals.

cheers,

nat








currently listening to: live bootlegs on youtube from the show

a litle excitement in the streets

1/2

notes from the sidewalk

waiting in line since 3:30 but not too far back. currently deciding
whether pr not it's worth it to get in line by 8:00am with the other
crazies and probably will try and manage it.

the day was filled with sleeping in, thrift store shopping with a
cousin (scored a red jacket and a cute black dress), lunch with her
and a chum from school then line waiting. and waiting. and chatting
(though i still miss my santa barbara line buddies) and reading pride
and prejudice.

oh, and i'm sporting the first sunkissed skin of the season on my pink
nose and cheeks. yay for 76 degree weather.

one more hour before we enter.

i am in new york!!!!!?!!?

with the worst {first} case of acid reflux in my life but it's 75 and
gorgeous and a trip already off to a great start.

thinking of you.