not close enough

i had another radiohead dream two nights ago. one in the series of many, particularly in the month and a half since i got the news i would be redundant come april 14th. and i think it was sunday night's dream that finally tuned me in to the very obvious motif present in each dream:

i can never get close enough.
to the band.
to their performance.
and it's always a physical obstacle of some sort combined with having not enough emotional value to them. in sunday's variation on the theme i was going to see them live in this tiny performance space, but my ticket wouldn't let me get anywhere near the stage. i was too late. restricted to lounge seating only which consisted of these diner-esque tables along the side of the space. too far.

and if you know me at all you know i have to be able to see the whites of thom's eyes to make it worthwhile. i have to be closer than close. and my dream was filled with this pressing need to find better tickets or find some way to outsmart the security guards meant to keep folks like me in my place. because i would rather NOT see them perform than be stuck too far away to see the breathtaking magic of man turned conduit.

so where does this get me?
where does this happen in my waking life?
why is it something i fear so much...being unimportant/not enough to someone that is so important to me? being unable to get close to the person who embodies the way i want to live my life and my art?

i'm still trying to construct that into meaning something to me.

and in this very instant, literally, i think of what i have planned to do tonight: make art. paint. and steep in the life of my next big project, hester smit {introductions pending}. and then suddenly i realized how i physically keep myself from my own ability to do what thom yorke does simply by how much i believe i can't actually do this. i can't actually find her. i can't give her life. i can't bring something unique and true to flesh. i can't give my life over to her. i can't be a conduit. i can't do it.

shit. why does it always have to be so simple and so hard at the same time?

so i guess i need a new set of yes-es.

yes, thom yorke is an amazing conduit.
yes, i know what that looks like.
yes, i can give yourself over and become a conduit yourself.
yes, i can find answers.
yes, i can make them alive in me.
yes, i can bring hester smit to life.
yes, i can bring hester smit to life.
yes, i can bring hester smit to life.
yes.