two highlights from class.
i want. i need.
it's an exercise where you simply stand, feet not quite shoulder width apart, hands extended gently in front of you. you look out above the heads of the audience, eyes open. you say i want and extend your hands half way forward. then you say i need and extend your hands all the way in front of you.
repeat.
and repeat.
and repeat.
and repeat.
minutes pass.
more pass.
and i wasn't really coming up with anything much. this curious blankness and ambivalence interrupted only by the sudden and vivid image of a set of my grandfather's scales after i said i want. it caught me off guard how unexpected and visceral the desire came to me. but it slipped away fairly quickly as i remembered it goes to an uncle, and the void-like nonresponse resumed.
until.
robin walked up to me, gently guided my back to straighten, my shoulders pulled from their slump, and adjusted my neck to float loosely above my spine. she gave me back the last inches of my six feet and whispered a suggestion in my ear: don't apologize. you deserve what you're asking for. hold your hands like it can be put into them. you can have it. don't apologize.
the shift was immediate as i gave myself permission to tap into my desires. first the grief rushed to the surface. next determination. anger at some point. but the biggest and most constant change was that i was present in my self. sans apologies. i was tall. strong. present. alive. quietly firm.
and despite having a vividly cinematic inner eye, no images came. just a surging and tumultuous connection to my desire. it's a scary place to go, and it's another i've long avoided.
hi desire, my name is nathania. join me and my body. we'll make a lovely trio if we can work in tandem.
second highlight of the night. stole the spotlight actually. the big o {see previous post O}.
it started with my certainty of failure. i was absolutely decided i hadn't prepped enough or it wouldn't work. i had bitten off too much. i could never take on these circumstances...i ran headlong into this wall o' doubt i had built for myself all afternoon, and wallowed further while the first two sets of students went. then i decided to get it over with, reminding myself that whether or not i fail, it will still provide information {robin's words that encourage observation over judgment}.
outside in the hallway, i went through my constant companion of unhelpful thoughts of when i get into the space i will do this, i will feel this, i should be this, or i can't do this.
but.
this time i had a clear moment when i told myself: yes, you can. just do it. and the prep work suddenly started working. my daydream got more vivid. i went to new places. my breathing changed and my heart sped up. and at some point, i just told myself go without trying to wait for an emotional response to manifest.
and go i did.
i started by racing down the stairs at the entrance of freehold and then quickly turned and raced back up three or so at a time. i grasped the rail for extra leverage. i went as fast as i could go. sprinted down the hall, my steps loud in my ears while clutching my clothing to me, and ran into the room.
in my panic i lost a shoe between the door and bed {the other followed it later to the floor}, but i didn't slow as i threw myself on the mattress, wrapped myself in the blankets and started sobbing {perhaps they had started earlier, not quite sure}. they were full body sobs. the kind that start somewhere deeper in your body than even your stomach. and the cries shifted and undulated through a journey of rising and falling terror as i twisted in bed. pulling the blankets this way. wrapping myself up in another way. hiding. protecting. grieving. partly aware of myself and yet completely helpless against the momentum of what i had set in motion.
robin ended the exercise and had us sing i'm a little teapot, complete with hand gestures, to shake the circumstances. it worked until i had to talk about what i had experienced.
i imagined that someone was waiting in the back entrance/fire escape of my building. he struck me from behind as i was coming in and pulled me down to rape me. he covered my mouth. pinned my body. hit my head on the floor several times as i struggled. he got as far as unbuttoning my shirt before a moment's inattention gave me an opening to knee him in the crotch with every once of power in my lengthy quad. and {new to this night's prep work} as i pulled him off me, i grabbed his head and slammed it into the ground several {three?} times as he tried to grab ahold of me again. fin.
as robin had been giving notes to other students, i realized i wasn't specific enough on what this event would mean to me. and as i mused while dreading my turn, i realized part of the core, the heart of what this means to me, is not just the formidable violation of personal space, but also the loss of the safety and security of my home. my
so, i guess i've uncovered one of the things that will drive me to violence. finally.
and, i guess i didn't fail despite all i feared/invested otherwise.
{one note: mom, or whomever, don't worry, my building is in fact quite safe. even the back way is well lit. i double-checked tonight when i used it, and no one could hide in the space i envisioned.}
currently listening to: couldie day mix - lyla, cocorosie; clausterphobe, katie todd; slow dance, ida; etc...
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