"it's been a long time, long time now...

since i've seen you smile.

the lyrics of the beirut song nantes that is playing on youtube for me right now. lovely. i do have a crush on that man...but i digress.

it has been a long time since i feel like i've been in regular attendence here, in my blog space. my personal life is spread thin right now: between class, rehearsal, work, commuting, and friends of many shapes and sizes. i haven't had the nathania-putter-time that i need to be able to feel grounded. and that firm foundation is my springboard for creation: writing, acting, dancing, etc. so, i am seeking balance and fighting conflicting desires that wants to do too many things at once. and certain things come around and i just can't say no, and then here i am at the end of the week with nothing left that's just for me. and i need that back.

and i feel like memories are slipping away without the sacred act of recording them in writing. my preservationist self is throwing a fit because the year really took off running pretty much from the moment the clock struck midnight and a month is about to pass and i'm behind on writing down my stories.

i need to take stock and reevaluate. straighten this, tweak that. take up the slack here. but all an all leave things mostly as they are. because i'm having a blast. enjoying myself emensely. and learning a lot despite how little time i have for myself.

a quick review of some of the themes i'm currently working with:
shame.
desire.
self-worth/self-image.
sensuality.


and the crazy thing is that each one is so intricated woven into the next i just keep getting myself further and further into many things at once. it's one part thrilling and one part daunting to see how things are connected.

the last two weeks have been particularly draining because i was first, quite sick right at the time when $1,000 +/- of medical bills appeared unexpectedly in my mailbox. then, i go directly from being sick to having major upper body structural issues: neck, shoulder, back pain. several particular external circumstances aggrivating parts of my body already out of whack because i sport the tall girl slump. yes, still. and the physical and even financial concerns drive right into the heart of my self-worth (standing tall, unmet desire to be taken care of).

life.is.good. even when it's tough.

more soon. in the meantime, here is a song by beirut that's been carrying me along today:






currently listening to: nantes - beirut.