abstinence

it's been a few days.
maybe a week.
two?

i don't know exactly. but however long it's been, i haven't been listening to radiohead for a significant amount of time in nathania cosmos.

but it's been more than just a choice to listen to something else.
it's been a quiet, deliberate avoidance.

then my ipod went kaput yesterday.
hopefully not permanently dead.
and until i figure it out, it's youtube music for me.

and i paused a few seconds before entering "radiohead" into the search field. not certain if i wanted to enter that space.

but i did.

and after scanning the first few hits, opted for an oldie, no surprises.

and sure enough, the familiar wash of color and constriction released from somewhere in my core - the literal feeling was as though a taut gauzy tape was slowly unwinding from around my heart. and suddenly it can see and hear and breathe again. though moments before hitting the play button, i hadn't even been aware that anything had been holding me in.


and there is

an ache

associated with this return to feeling.
like the pins and needles returning to flesh folded under the body, immobile and useless for too long.


and on top of this all is this driving curiosity that cornered me into my radiohead drought so that i can feel the prickle and ask myself
why?
how?
to what end and purpose?

{yet again}

in the hopes that this time there will be an answer.




currently listening to: radiohead on youtube.