hiccups, heartaches & terry-cloth towels

tough week.
storm's just begun.
no time for myself
and the next big project is only just starting.

trying to stay present in now...now.....now........and now....which is tough for more than six seconds at a time.
and really just feeling not ready to turn 27.
i thought i would be so much farther
by now--wait, stay in the present.
that's right.
i'm here.....here....here........{still} here.......right where i'm supposed to be.

but i still envy natalie portman
and pretty much every other young actress of her ilk
but it takes me a few seconds longer before the burst
of heat and feeling of worthlessness
and the burns aren't as bad as they were.


maybe where i am this moment is farther than i think it is.


i hate that it all matters as i add up the nickles and pennies of growth i've fought so hard for these past {nearly three} decades when all i really want to be able to do is to throw in the towel and end this personal war between where i want to be and where i actually am.

i don't think i am capable, though, so the compromise is to give myself until april to finish the vets project and the wccw project {helping make art with veterans and prisoners respectively} and settle into a new home and new job.

april, nathania. april.

the countdown has begun

10 days till my birthday and uncharacteristically everything seems to be arriving early.

aside from the boots purchased for me last week this is the first to arrive.

tangent: i really should post a picture of the boots because they are lightyears beyond the realm of fantastic. a gift from the boot gods long after i gave up on ever finding a sexy pair of flat boots--as in nothing remotely resembling a riding boot)

i'm going to be good and wait until the 26th to cut open the oh-so-temping rainbow-colored tape announcing something from the polaroid family.

ooooh, the mystery!

adieu

and so my friends, the time has come to say goodbye for a little while.
10:15am is going on a temporary hiatus while we/they redevelop the site and unveil a newer, spiffier ten15am.com.

today the loyal contributors who have slowly gathered daily to document their life at 10:15am put one final image in for the year at 10:15 on 10/15. one of the creators asked that we photograph ourselves today.

here is my video contribution:

and i already feel a little/LOT sad about this parting.

a fall night.

the books

in the days that i have the apartment to myself, i'm taking over the floors, couches, walkways and pretty much any free space imaginable with the spreading out and organizing of my books. though each time i unpack i promise never to mix different colors in each box, but without fail, i find that in the interest of efficiency while packing i always seem to break that promise. a random red spine will find its way into a box of whites or a family of blues will stow away in a box of oranges.

it's quite complicated. but at the same time there is no part of the process i don't enjoy. it's like visiting hour and christmas all wrapped into one as i am surprised by the contents of this box or that and always happy to see new or old friends alike. books i first read decades ago carry the weight of many reads and clamor about with their underlined words and dogeared pages and history they share with me.

i first read that one in the ballard house. my cousin sent it to me in a care package....i finished it in a bath with candles.

mmmm...middle school david edding's fantasy kick. the kids used to bug/tease me because i would laugh out loud during reading hour. they always wanted to know what was so funny.

my lovely masking-taped dr. seuss.

anais nin. i need to read her.

etc. etc.

i'll post pictures of the final project. i always seem to.

compline

i start a new job tomorrow. finally i'm a photographer by trade and not just in some part of my spirit. it's not an end point, but rather a starting point in the long road to supporting myself entirely through my creativity.

really, it's a beginning.

tonight i almost didn't make it out with a friend to st. mark's sunday compline. i had all these excuses about being tired and needing to prepare or unpack my books or whatever, but i'm glad they didn't end up getting in the way. i'm glad i went.
because if there's anything i need more in life, it's spending thirty minutes listening to amazing music in a cathedral with a room full of silent participants and devoting myself to not thinking. and even not congratulating myself for not thinking so successfully for 4.5 seconds, 5.2 seconds, 6.1 seconds, oh crap, i'm thinking again. return to beginning.

as we were driving home, he brought up a topic rolling around in his head through the service which is external versus internal destiny and how much we are subject to the myths we create for ourselves. so sharing compline stretched into sharing tea until way past my bedtime because i had lots and lots to say about all the destiny and personal myth tangents my mind had traveled along during the same thirty minutes when it wasn't supposed to be thinking.

it's late. after midnight. and some enthusiastic folk are singing happy birthday to someone and i need to get sleep for tomorrow so i'll summarize my thoughts on my destiny in a sentence:

i believe that i am heading in a very particular direction but that i will only arrive there when i am ready, which will probably be the point at which i let go of the destiny, the dream, and everything else attached.

this letting go is very hard for me. almost as much as not thinking.

okay, at least i know where my work is cut out for me.

sunsets a la the new apartment

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here are images out my living room window from the past month or so of living here.
bon apetit!

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post-op

he made it, thank god.

i think that my biggest fear was that some freak accident would happen during the surgery and he would die. but no, we're on the other side and while tests are inconclusive, it was definitely malignant, which means radiation the high possibility of it coming back. his vision loss in his peripheral vision is assumed to be permanent but he and we can live with that.

so today, we have a victory, and that's all i can really think or care about.

thanks for following this thread and thanks for all the wonderful support from everyone.
each two-line message i got throughout the operation day {thursday} lifted me up and kept me going.

and so {good night}, we go

it's been a good few days of being away and laughing so hard i cried and in fact, laughing so hard that for the first time i had to consciously think oh my goodness don't PEE! i clenched down, poured still more tears from my eyes and luckily managed to refrain from humiliating myself.
i wish ashland, oregon were closer to seattle, washington. i wish the laughter would ride out the storm with me.

i return today, alone for the next week and a half as az continues down to los angeles to visit his family. i arrived as sunset fanned a colorful tapestry behind the skyline, mountains and sound, but the apartment feelings achingly empty as surgery looms.

postponed from tuesday, ross' tumor will be removed tomorrow which means from about noon to latest five pm he will be at the mercy of surgeons and modern medicine. the eerie calm that has pervaded my consciousness since receiving the news last friday is accompanied by a undercurrent of foreboding.

dread strolled up today and parked himself at my shoulder. sporting a black top hat, tails, a waxed mustache he's obviously a bit vain about and a cat who got the canary smile, he's gentle but persistent in whispering his pessimistic predictions. i've had to shoo him off several times, reminding myself again and again that these are merely understandable fears and really, that this is all out of our hands anyway but he keeps on coming back.

there are also my unreassuring dreams last night, manifesting themselves as a result of how much i've been processing since friday. there were two dreams. the first: i was back in the south and a hurricane was coming. well on its way already, i had decided to weather the storem and was surveying the breadth of my belongings, my most precious things {books and boxes and letters} and unable to see how they could possibly be saved. then my best friend {somewhat randomly} shows up and lays claim to a set of hat boxes that i own. confused, i look at them closely and realize they are not the ones i had assumed them to be. another layer of uncertainty is added to the fate of my beloved things: their fate and even ownership are both in question. the second dream was brief. i had a plane ticket down to los angeles and needed to switch it san diego where ross is currently. i was preparing to call the airline knowing full well that my situation would justify a free and hassle-free change.

in waking life neither are particularly reassuring. quite the contrary, the give my new acquaintance, mr. dread, the opening he's looking for to return from each progressive shooing once my back is turned.

so that's it. my vent of worry for the evening. things will be much clearer tomorrow and i'll make sure to post as i am able.

thank you everyone who has reached out in the past couple of days to tell me they are thinking of the family and particularly the lumbering fuzzy bear of a little brother who just happened to wake up a week and a half ago with a killer headache.

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and so, good night.
we go over the top tomorrow.

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rilla of ingleside
l.m. montgomery

update

he goes under the knife on tuesday.
the doctors are very reassuring
and the military, surprisingly, helpful.


and all i could think about last night was how i was so hard on him for getting married so quickly.

7x2

centimeters.
it's a pretty small distance,
right?
until it's a tumor in my little brother's skull.

yes, you read that right.

i'm not freaking out just yet.
it could end up being benign.
but whatever the end result, my little brother has had one hell of a six month stretch.

come home from iraq
then less than 24 hours later he's in a car accident involving a drunk ped stepping in front of his car.
ped was killed on impact.

i'm left with the feeling he's still got a lot to process from that
more than the fact that can't stand the smell of wet dog.
it's too much like grey matter splattered across his body.

then about a month and a half later he's married to a girl he met a month prior.
the question of right or wrong or too fast or whatever is laid to rest but one can't deny that's another dimension of intensity.

now, a few days after his 22nd birthday, the kid is in the hospital with a brain tumor.

seriously?
{i guess}
i'm still in denial.

i may not have domes

but the new apartments has sheers and air circulation {the latter of which shouldn't be underestimated if this whole global warming thing means that this summer's temperatures are going to be the norm}. the first few mornings, when it wasn't too cold to leave the windows open all night, i woke up to this quiet play of curtains and wind which i reconstructed this morning for the purposes of 10:15am.

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from a few weeks ago:

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the last of the domes

so, i turned in my keys today.
both sets.
but only one mail box key.

goodbye 1514 bellevue ave
goodbye my dear friend, the church dome next door
goodbye ivy colored wall i won't see turn bright red with the fall
goodbye {for now} hardwood floors, high ceilings and darling light fixtures.
goodbye {for now} glass doorknobs and built in bookshelves with glass doors.

as an aside, last weekend i crossed paths
with several artists i was working with
last year when i first moved into
apartment #509 and all of them, in
some cases before i even mentioned
moving, said they remembered fondly
the photographs of the space and the
lovely details of the building.

a lot of stress earlier in this month
{and by a lot i mean can't get out of bed in the morning or stop crying amounts of stress}
came from a conflict i only yesterday put together.
a crucial piece was missing
but i met by chance in the hallway
one of the two parties involved,
and discovered he had never been mad at me.

so thank you forgiveness gods for giving me just the piece i needed and for giving me a chance to apologize anyway.

so onward i go.

my new apartment is unfolding.
a landing-place to rest for an undetermined amount of time.
a lot of things on my "to do" list
like change my address with the bank,
cell phone, post office {whoopsie}, school loans, etc.
boring but necessary.

in the meantime, i'm enjoying getting rid of things.
i'm enjoying more windows {twice as many}
i'm enjoying having a kitchen two people can fit in at the same time.
i already love my view of sunsets and the mountains and the water.
i love the sun that hits my back when i sit on my bed in the morning.
i love getting to hang out with one of my best friends all the time.
and i love sharing food and going shopping together.

i am looking forward to:
getting the last of the house unpacked
having a place to make art projects
having enough presence to blog regularly
and enough stability and confidence to start auditioning
working to make artwork with inmates of the washington correction center for women
the project working with veterans that is looooooming
the fun of my relationship to return fully after a couple months of displacement stress
getting my feet under me with my new job
working out regularly
hanging out with dear ones again
feeling put together
praying not just because i'm maxed out.
yes.

dear iphone gods

as i was internally griping about having to drive all the way back to whole foods when i would rather be showering, relaxing, or doing the dishes that are long overdue, i realized that i would much rather be driving there knowing my phone was waiting patiently for me on the other end.

so thank you for returning my iphone to me today even though in the history of my whole food's lost and found they never ever ever have iphones turned in until today.

thank you.

thank you.

and did i mention thank you?

top down

this is a neighboring building and despite my aversion to the salmony
pink color it's painted, it offers a nice view of fall taking over the
world. it's a mystery to me why fall seems to happen first on the
upper floors. i thought time moved slower, not faster, the farther up
you go.

quasi haitus

hey folks.
i'm still alive.
i realize this has been about the quietest i've been since my blog really got under way last july. it's been an ugly few weeks of a stressful move {is that redundant?}, emotional family reunion/memorial {also redundant?} and job training and i've literally not had a moment to myself in two weeks and probably more.

i will be back.
soon.
like next week soon or else i'll explode with all the stuff that i need to write about.

so, thanks for your patience.

the cousins

well, the single, female cousins:
kathryn, rhitu, hannah and me. kathryn wasn't grumpy as she appears
below.

(not pictured)
there's the single male cousins in another room: nick and my brother
dagob.

and the married cousins: brenna and her new husband, mike & my sister
bimi and her not as new husband, chris.

but the crowning glory goes to the newly (and still shyly) engaged
cousin, melissa, who kept her left hand strategically under some paper
the whole conversation she had with us but betrayed her nonchalance
with an extra stretch to her smile.

then there are the absent cousins: my sister, ellie, my cousins laura
and annie, and my cousin, laurens. they've all recently started new
jobs or new schools and couldn't make it.

the view

from the new apartment, of course.

currently listening to: my aunt kathy practicing the viola.

the empty space

it's not quite so empty any more as we began moving our things in immediately, but here's the gist of it so far. i'm mourning the loss of a few elements of beauty the new space doesn't have, mainly, the nice wooden cupboards in the kitchen, the high ceilings and the hard wood floors, but i get to live with one of my best friends, have a big view of the sky, a kitchen that more than one person can move around in and a lobby and building with more interior charms {the stair case below being an example}. oh, and lots of built in shelves.

sharing a wall with the sky

my time here with the studio and the golden dome is coming to a close. after much heartache, two halves of a sleeping pill and a little black cloud that followed me around for exactly five days {a la eeyore}, we've put the security deposit down on the new place. my space has not so gently assured me it's time to move on, upgrade, and widen my field of view and so for the first time in days my spirit is resting quietly finally knowing we get the keys on the other side of this holiday weekend.

not so coincidentally my life is picking up in several areas at once and i feel myself going through a transition pretty well summed up in the metaphor of transitioning from the studio to the one bedroom. externally i'm leaving my little private haven of a studio with its peaceful view of an ivy colored brick wall and the many shades of blue washing across my lovely church dome. the new space is a floor higher, twice as big with extra closets to organize and share and the view across the six windows moves from a little peek of mount rainier to the south and then a sweeping view of the city, sound and olympic mountains. internally, i feel like i'm leaving an intense time of self-examination and personal growth. the distance i have covered hashing myself out in the meisner course is equivalent to lightyears of travel in the personal development dimension of the universe and it's time for me to open. open. open.

i've been very slowly moving my way through the book the soul's code by james hillman. as this is a psychology book, it's a little on the dense side, so i find a lot of benefit in simmering over the things i've read for a few days. the current quote rattling around in my brain is:

restless inquiry is not the only kind of knowing, self-examination not the only kind of awareness. appreciation of an image, your life story as studded with images since early childhood, and a deepening into them slows the restlessness of inquiry, laying to rest the fever and the fret of finding out.

i'm still putting together what this means for me in the coming months of living at the granada four blocks away, but i want to call foward a time of rest, a time of admiring the view and a time of seeing the bigger images of my life and letting them stand out in their beauty. i've been working so hard to get to the results of my art that i've missed out on the joy and life i take in making art. one step at a time, nathania. and breathe.

so, here's to our new place, where the sky and mountains will press up against our windows and our bodies will lean back in return.

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i only have the image from the new place
that was posted earlier this week.
while i wait for more, i thought i would honor the dome
and all it's glory before we part ways.
i do still have a project in mind involving the dome
i want to photograph it once or twice an hour throughout one day.
but the days left are numbered. i need to hop to it.