tough week.
storm's just begun.
no time for myself
and the next big project is only just starting.
trying to stay present in now...now.....now........and now....which is tough for more than six seconds at a time.
and really just feeling not ready to turn 27.
i thought i would be so much farther
by now--wait, stay in the present.
that's right.
i'm here.....here....here........{still} here.......right where i'm supposed to be.
but i still envy natalie portman
and pretty much every other young actress of her ilk
but it takes me a few seconds longer before the burst
of heat and feeling of worthlessness
and the burns aren't as bad as they were.
maybe where i am this moment is farther than i think it is.
i hate that it all matters as i add up the nickles and pennies of growth i've fought so hard for these past {nearly three} decades when all i really want to be able to do is to throw in the towel and end this personal war between where i want to be and where i actually am.
i don't think i am capable, though, so the compromise is to give myself until april to finish the vets project and the wccw project {helping make art with veterans and prisoners respectively} and settle into a new home and new job.
april, nathania. april.
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