a true nomad

after waiting more than five years to return to europe i find that i am eyeing my emmenant departure with more panic than a never-ending to do list warrants.

and tonight i realized why that is.

starting next wednesday, i become a true nomad. i won't have any place to call my own or my car to ensure independence. i will be a visitor wherever i go at the mercy of my generous hosts and the grace of language barriers. and what's more, the source of my panic revolves around the fact that i will be cutting myself off from the familiar cornerstones that i have relied upon these past months. in lieu of having my own home i have tethered myself to my routine, my job, my income, my community and the familiar sights and sounds of my city.

on wednesday, i am truly cut free. free of the things of my life, even the small collection i have been carrying from place to place since july. free of the knowledge and confidence which i know my city, know where the side roads lead, where grocery stores are and which foods are allergen free. free of obligations. free of work. free of the relationships, though, yes, i will try take a few of you with me as much as i am able, as much as you let me. but you won't be there, with me, reminding me of where i should go, who i am and who i want to be.

and that, i think, is the final phase of this nomadic chapter. the final challenge all the previous challenges of the last five months have been gradually preparing me for both literally and metaphorically*. and as i sit here, on the darkest night of the year, i feel much like i did that night in july after putting everything into storage, when all i could do was sit crying on the curb in my car with my mother and brother standing gently nearby.

this is ground zero and i have no idea what i am going to build in all this wreckage. somewhere, somehow i am being sent reassurances that it will be beautiful. that it will be grand. that this kind of bold, courageous gesture will only be rewarded in kind.

please, please dear god. please. let there be something on the other side. the other side of the flight. the other side of the trip. the other side of this year. i only have so much courage and i only have so much hope.




*because i have been a nomad these last six months i have accrued a bit of savings that have allowed me to pay for this trip.