what the body knows

part one:

coming home from work today, i stopped by my mailbox. the stuff at the front was unpromising. advertisements and more advertisements. i pulled out the oversized post card from my car's dealership and completely ignored the circular still inside. i examined the postcard trying to make it into a pool colored envelope containing a bird returning home, but it stayed as it was, boldly announcing the latest deals i'm missing out on for servicing my car. of it's own volition, my hand dove into the back of my mailbox until it hit an invisible envelope and i said holy shit in surprise and certainty as my hand reversed, clutching its prize. looking down i saw that indeed, as unexpected as it was, a bird had been delivered and somehow, my body knew it.

thank you, richard, for your well timed sunset sky bird.

part two:

people like us...half of them think it will never work out...the other half believe in magic.

--from the trailer for the movie beginners seen in front of jane eyre

{both times--along with the tree of life's trailer}

i'm trying to connect the dots for you between the above quote, the movie jane eyre which i watched for a second time tonight, the movie the tree of life and me. we intersect at this point of longing and desire and hope {and fear} and magic. always hope. always magic. and i wonder whether love exists like it does inside this point of convergence. this love i can only seem to catch glimmers of. whether magic can exist and sustain between two people. whether it is enough to have a connection. a dedication to that raw and true place of self-evolution and vulnerability, one that constantly pushes up against our understood limits of self. and as we push out farther into our individual internal unknowns, can we sustain a life together, each out on the edge of ourselves but sharing the journey? is this even feasible without being exhausting and are there others out there like me? some days, i am not sure.

i don't even know if i'm making sense. the dots i'm trying to connect are skittering off in opposite directions but if i just sit and connect to my own internal truths and trust what my body is saying i find hope and rest. in the meantime i just have to just keep moving forward, one step at a time, knowing this is a lonely path at times and that all i can do is be as close to who it is i want to be with, and hope that it is enough.