as much as i pride myself on my ability to speak my truth in vulnerable spaces, sometimes that's hard. particularly when i am a little mixed up between what my heart and fears are both trying to say.

even so, there is a sense of peace in the dilemma that my entire spirit seems tethered to keeping me present and wrapped up snugly in a sense of well being.

~6:10am

i want to know what's in your heart.

incomplete sentences well up in response. run-on thoughts. impatience. hope. dear heart, open and share your poorly kept secrets rustling in the eaves.

abundance begets patience. self-care. calm. more hope.

and in the end, there you are and here i am.



currently listening to: sigur ros - refur

10:15am

red.

a good day for four wheeling. virgin trip.

the king of limbs

on every album there are the songs i get right away and then those that need to steep a while. it took me until the second live show to get bodysnatchers from their last album and the second night of thom's new york city shows to get the hollowed earth and being pulled apart by horses. this doesn't bother me. it's just a result of how dissonant and dynamic their range can be.

this album is no different, though i can't tell what i am or am not able to absorb because of a meager 4 hours of sleep last night.

what i am clear on is my reaction to track #6. the opening notes. the simple pulse of the piano. my response swelling up from nowhere i can account for. i had to pull over and sob for most of my first listen, then sit, the track on repeat, in a still car and under a full moon for another four or five repetitions.*

thom. you've done it again.


i am grateful and no, i don't think it's over yet.

codex

sleight of hand
jump off the end
into a clear lake
no one around
just dragonflies
fantasize
no one gets hurt
you don't know
what's wrong**

slide your hand
jump off the end
the water's clear
and innocent
the water's clear
and innocent

*for the record, i've never had this response to any song. ever. particularly on a first listen.
**not quite sure of this lyric.

here we go

alone for the first time today about to head out on a drive to housesit. the perfect venue for a listen to the long awaited radiohead album.

and for some reason, i find myself reluctant. hesitantly peering over the edge. they haven't let me down yet, but what if they start now? it's hard to ask so much from even the gods in your life.

my heart is open. aching already but alive and grateful.

i will catch you on the other side.

oh what a day...

...and it's only 9am.

it started at 6. restless again. toss. turn. realize i wasn't going to sleep, so i may as well go read that email you sent me. except how did i know it was going to be there, sitting calmly amongst groupons and facebook comments? i didn't. and yet i did – for the second time this week.

an email was returned while my enthusiasm ensued.

too much to go back to sleep. so i started my day an hour and a half early, using that extra time to make my bed, cook a real breakfast complete with a big mug of tea and finally watch this TED talk that i've been meaning to see for over a month. one that affirms that the way i live, walking the ways of vulnerability and authenticity, stating that i might just be on to something even as crazy as i think others see me as sometimes. it's the only way i can live and here i'm told it might just be a good way. {see for yourself below}

next, {and now, this is a big next} i see the fact that radiohead released their newest album a day early.

my god.

my dear dear dear god.

i've downloaded it, but refuse to listen to it until i have the proper space to do so. and for now, it's sitting out in front of me side by side with a skype call i hope happens soon.

vulnerability. glorious, raw and beautiful vulnerability. how you call me forward into the life i want to lead.

stragglers in the flock

so, i'm still perpetually behind in my life and still Still STILL owe a long post about the bird project, but in the meantime, here are the stragglers that have arrived over the last month or so. some had needed to be resent due to inconsistent mail delivery, others needed addresses to be emailed, etc. but here they are, no less well received and a lovely addition to the flock.

thank you steve {radiohead friend #5}, sylwinn, katie {and daniel!}, laura & jim {radiohead friend #4}.

more soon.

dear heavenly father {part 2}

thank you for making my work day short yesterday.
thank you for providing me the time and energy to go on a 6 mile run yesterday.
thank you for the impulse to buy a water and wind resistant jacket earlier this week.
thank you for the intuition to go back into the house to grab that extra layer of long sleeves.

i do NOT, however, have much gratitude about your choice of weather patterns. not 5 minutes into an hour long run not only did you take that glorious sun away but you gave me hail instead. HAIL. and lots of it. aaaaaaand, if that weren't enough, after making it back a bit worse for the wear, you tease me with the sun popping out again all sprightly and sweet as i'm driving home, sopping wet and cold.

we need to work on our weather relationship here, buddy.

amen.

ode to joy

i know i've said it here several times: my year started off on the wrong foot {to put it mildly} and i've spent the last month recovering in body and soul from the beating, but here i am, 47 days into the new year, finally making headway on the intention i had set for myself this year: making this year about joy.

after seeing beethoven's 9th twice last year, i decided that seeing the new year's eve show would be an elegant and symbolic way to welcome the new year in. so this year, i found a few friends of mine also not interested in finding the best way to get your drink on and the tickets were purchased.

i always take a few days off around the new year, ostensibly to celebrate my best friend's birthday {on the 31st}, but this year i finally realized that, as much as i adore her, i don't even take two days off for my birthday so there must be some bigger motivation for that space. and as soon as i realized that her birthday wasn't the real motivating factor, the simple truth emerged: new year's is one of the most spiritual and internal times of the year for me. as much as i adore my birthday as my own personal new year, this one has the weight of the world behind it. and as much as i don't really buy into all the hoopla around new year's resolutions and joining a gym because you should finally start working out this year, i do enjoy this time set aside by the whole culture to examine and reflect. the crossing over from one year to the next is the most tangible experience of time's passage and so it's an important and finite earmark of progress.

and that's me: all about self-reflection, personal, emotional and spiritual evolution and this is my time to steep in where i've been and where i want to go.

and 2010's new year's eve, completely as a response to a whim of the morning, was spent almost entirely scrubbing my apartment. and i don't use the word scrubbing flippantly. i cleaned as thoroughly as one does on moving out. hands and knees, reaching into dark corners, pulling out the big guns sort of cleaning. it was a good purge.

by 9pm the sore throat had kicked in and by 1:30am, as i was heading to bed, i was feverish and pretty certain i had strep.

the rest you know, or can read about in the entries below, but in short, was a strange and uncomfortable purge of my body and spirit. confusion. fever. a few dark days of depression. rage. hurt. those sorts of things.

and then there was vancouver.

and now there is me. here. finding that joy i had hoped to welcome in on january 1st. and while i've had my usual amounts of laughter and fun in the past month and a half, i guess what i'm waking up to in myself today is joy for no reason beyond the fact that i am finally looking forward to the year. that things aren't working out exactly as i would want them in several avenues of my life, but it's not a threat. no drama. simple. all witnessed by calm, collected, and hopeful nathania.



it's nice to be back to myself. the new year can begin.

................................................................

after a half day at work today, i'm excited for an afternoon run in the sun filled sky and an evening of more scrubbing dark corners housecleaning, check-book balancing, bill paying, work catching up, organizational sorts of things. getting myself back in order. and tomorrow, another evening free of commitments, tomorrow is for joy. painting. fun. the birds. knitting if i want. that sort of thing.

dear heavenly father...

(that's how I started all my prayers as a kid)
...please let my work day be quick, lucrative and efficient so that the sun is still shining when i get home and i get to take a long run under it's brilliant warmth.

amen.

{belated} valentine's day

a little taste of my homemade cookies for all of you loved ones out there i wasn't able to share the originals with. i had a blast distributing them amongst my neighbors, coworkers and fellow knitting night girlfriends {who abandoned husbands/fiancees to come and have a potluck last night}. i thought of many of my far away friends and wished i could have given you a more tangible taste.




and this card was a determined little valentine showing up in my mailbox today, missing a good portion of the envelope but still giving me every inch of joy that its sender had intended.

all that rises must converge

convergence.
a word running through my life these past two days.
and i'm not sure exactly how to lay out all the vectors arriving
from different times and appearing, suddenly, unexpectedly
all within days or even minutes of each other.
everything is just happening so quickly.
staccato notes.
crescendo.
cymbal rush.
but i am here
and i already know that this new radiohead album
{only one of the four significant things coming suddenly into my life this week}
will mark a new time period in my life.
my heart is open, ready and full.
and i can hardly wait.

where is home?

alabama arkansas
i do love my ma and my pa
but not the way i do love you...

home is wherever i'm with you...
home is whenever i'm with you...
take me home...

lyrics from the song i've had on and off repeat since driving up to vancouver: home by edward sharpe & the magnetic zeros.

vancouver

vancouver. feb 5th to feb 8th. three full days of no email, only one phone call and a handful of texts {at most}. it was a good reminder that my life is not as predictable as i often feel it is and an even bettere reminder that i am great company. adventurous. kind. open to others and always free to follow the urges of spontaneity.

my first act in the city was to sleep for 10 hours straight. long overdue. i have been abusing my body pretty steadily in the sleep department since moving out on my own and no longer having a partner waiting for me to join him in bed or sleep.

and my second act was to take a jog into stanley park a little ways, but it ended up being a full-on circuit of the park {in the rain} which brings my longest run up to about 8.8 miles including the trek to and from the hostel. this is where i learned that canadians are wonderful about acknowledging fellow runners {often with a wave, but occasionally with a gentlemanly tipped hat}. one such runner gave me a courteous wave causing a pedestrian heading in the same direction as me to turn and glance in my direction. i nodded cheers to him as i passed which gave him the opportunity to ask how much farther to the next roadway and/or the exit to the park. professing ignorance, i estimated how far i felt i had jogged already and commiserated upon our shared chagrin at being sucked into a circuit of the park despite other intentions.

..................................................................................................

i jogged away suddenly overcome with longing for a particular
faraway friend. we had only just reconnected after a ten month
silence in the wake of first meeting. it was a bittersweet feeling
flooding me entirely and forcing me to close my eyes for my next few
steps to just register the delicate balance of the regret i still carry,
almost a year later, of not getting the coffee i still want to have
with him as well as the hope of hearing from him soon given the
newly re-established connection.

..................................................................................................

the rest of the day was filled with pho, coffee and adventuring to see a movie alone {barney's version, a comedy which had a little too much heartbreak to really be a comedy}, and lots and lots and lots of walking. the rain was old by the end of the day, but the miles in my blue suede shoes were long and flat and good length to my newly acquired running muscles.

medina cafe

the 2nd day i finally made it to medina, my favorite place to eat in vancouver. discovered by my friend sheree, it's got the most amazing little waffles & dips, serves the best earl grey i've had in years and paella with just the right amount of lime and avocado. and the service is as wonderful as the food & decor, which says a lot.

top left: dk chocolate mocha from medina -- top right: mocha from 49th parallel

on assignment for my barista friend who wanted some beans they've roasted.

bottom left: paella from medina with the perfect amount of lime -- bottom right: fricassé, also from medina. braised short ribs. yum.

the rest of monday day was spent on a meander through gas town: home to a variety of boutiques and curiosity shops that eventually rewarded my scavenging efforts with a new umbrella, some lovely notepads and as i headed back home, exhausted and hungry, i also happened to stop by downtown and discover a big sale on designer jeans. hello, skinny jeans. and another pair of paige jeans i didn't need except that they were the perfect size {and length!} and i'll know i'll get at least three years out of them. yipee.

after a cat nap back at the hostel {which i lucked out and never had to share my room with anyone}, i ventured out again into the city and landed at a late night {for canada} coffee shop where i met a lovely barista {they are all becoming my friends} who is traveling to seattle later in the week. we chatted quite a bit about the two cities and i drew out an entire list and map of places to go, drink, eat, coffee-shop it, etc. and when her cafe closed, i followed my intuition's nose and walked a block north to see if i could find something else and viola! a poetry slam! i caught the last round and was almost moved to tears by one of the performers. he needed help with articulation, but the 2/3's of the words i did understand had me going.

on the walk home from the train, a fellow train rider kept giving me sidelong glances that i wasn't sure how to interpret. as i walked past him and the girl he was with he said nice boots and gestured toward my feet. as i said thanks his friend asked incredulously: did you say nice boobs or nice boots?!?!?! i laughed and defended him: he said boots and gestured toward my feet so it was very clear. he then asked if i liked poetry and then i understood the familiar glances, they too were at the slam. we chatted the whole way home touching topics from my writing and blog to his flat mate's stay at my hostel when she first moved to the city. it was lovely being open and alive to the connections around. the spontaneity of deciding to just find something to do in an unfamiliar city without and plans and the rewards of following my intuition.

the final day found me on a shorter run to the park across the water. i wanted to get some miles in but also sleep in and also check out in time and also get to medina before breakfast was done. that was kind of the spirit of the last day. cram cram cram. but i managed to do everything without a spirit of rushedness and enjoyed the welcome back and extra smiles of the medina waitstaff. and the fricassé and two waffles with dark chocolate dip to go were totally worth coming back for.

my trip ended with a walk back to stanley park and a visit to the aquarium. i had need to feel a sense of play that day. allow the observer and kid out for a bit as well as avoid stores like the plague because i had already splurged enough on clothing in the past several days. as much as the belugas were magical and the dolphins a blast, my favorite bit of the aquarium {and it seems to be a theme for me} was the golden-orange jellyfish lit up on the blue background {pictures to follow in the next post or so}. there is something magical about watching them float. perhaps because they don't have any eyes and just seem to meander along inexplicably. i stood there for a long time face pressed up against the glass just watching and floating along there with them.

after the aquarium i was pretty exhausted and couldn't get home, to whole foods for road fare and then on the road fast enough. to return home to the grind i love and hate.

the final sunset as i was pulling out of town.

driving songs for the trip: home -- edward sharpe & the magnetic zeros; spanish sahara -- foals; 10 miles stereo -- beach house; the ballad of raa -- rural alberta advantage
running song for the trip: a modern leper -- frightened rabbit {on repeat for most of the 8.8+ mile run}
favorite meal of the trip -- fricassé.

damn.

back from canada.
more details tomorrow.
in short: a lovely time.




but also a clear message that all my messes are patiently waiting for me when i returned home {and i'm not just talking about the dishes}.



damn. i really thought i could run and hide and they would go away.



luckily a few lovely things were also awaiting my return. one in particular that warms me to my tippy toes {and made me cheer so loudly i freaked out the cat i'm watching which put an abrupt stop to the endless lovin' he was demanding after a three day absence}.

yet even in the sweeter things, it's funny how as soon as i get what i've been asking for i always want more.


damn.

unplug & reset

this year has started off as a bust. getting sick just as the new year chimed in and staying that way for over two weeks was bad enough but a gentle break-up turned sour {and still creaking along} was the final straw.

so here i am
hitting the restart button conveniently timed with the chinese new year.

i am honoring this transition into the year i want to have with a three day getaway to vancouver, bc, completely unfettered by visiting friends or traveling with them* as well as my ever present companion, technology. my trusty laptop, sparrow, was handed over to the apple geniuses tonight to get a facelift and screen replacement and my smart phone will soon {after this post} become a dumb phone as i turn off data roaming and refuse to connect to wireless networks for anything more than getting directions {though i plan on using actual paper maps as much as possible}.

this time is for me
inward
quiet
yet adventurous.

i know i want to run through stanley park, eat at medina {sans s, sniff sniff}, find this paper store i have read a bit about, go to the aquarium and perhaps see a movie. but except for stanley and medina, it's all up to my whim and that's exactly what i need.

so this is nathania tenwolde signing off from vancouver, bc. catch you on the other side.

*not that i wouldn't adore having my go-to vancouver buddy, s, at my side right now.

the baby.

last sunday night i had an intense dream about being pregnant {documented here} and now, a week and a day later, i dreamed i gave birth.

i was at work and rather suddenly i was on the other side of giving birth to a baby boy. the birth itself wasn't really depicted in the dream, i just got the sense that i had a birth story much like a good friend just described for her 2nd child: ease-full and short, ending with her catching him herself while standing in the shower. i wasn't in a shower in my dream, but i do remember the sense of surprise at how simple it was and suddenly i had a baby in my hands and was wondering if the hospital would charge me for giving birth at the hospital even if i didn't use their facilities.

i was given/helped myself to a room and was setting up a space for the two of us when i noticed this thick, translucently white substance {almost like egg whites, but milky white} covering his hair and part of his face/body. i took him over to the sink and washed it gently off and was amazed to discover how absolutely beautiful he was. he was a radiant skinned, luminous blue eyes looking up at me so directly, completely calm and perfectly plump baby. and his hair. my goodness, how i remember his hair. longish, thick and a deep blond. disheveled just the way i adore it. he was amazing and the dream ended with me standing there, gazing down at this being with love and awe.

so, i'm left to wonder: what is being manifested so clearly into my life? called to my attention with these dreams of the ultimate act of creation? i don't know, but what i do know is that whatever it is it will be wonderful.

{this is one of the shoots i will remember for a while--already the shoot is months back.
this baby was amazing. so calm and adorable.
the hair color and texture isn't right, but everything else hits the spot}

city sky scape