after seeing beethoven's 9th twice last year, i decided that seeing the new year's eve show would be an elegant and symbolic way to welcome the new year in. so this year, i found a few friends of mine also not interested in finding the best way to get your drink on and the tickets were purchased.
i always take a few days off around the new year, ostensibly to celebrate my best friend's birthday {on the 31st}, but this year i finally realized that, as much as i adore her, i don't even take two days off for my birthday so there must be some bigger motivation for that space. and as soon as i realized that her birthday wasn't the real motivating factor, the simple truth emerged: new year's is one of the most spiritual and internal times of the year for me. as much as i adore my birthday as my own personal new year, this one has the weight of the world behind it. and as much as i don't really buy into all the hoopla around new year's resolutions and joining a gym because you should finally start working out this year, i do enjoy this time set aside by the whole culture to examine and reflect. the crossing over from one year to the next is the most tangible experience of time's passage and so it's an important and finite earmark of progress.
and that's me: all about self-reflection, personal, emotional and spiritual evolution and this is my time to steep in where i've been and where i want to go.
and 2010's new year's eve, completely as a response to a whim of the morning, was spent almost entirely scrubbing my apartment. and i don't use the word scrubbing flippantly. i cleaned as thoroughly as one does on moving out. hands and knees, reaching into dark corners, pulling out the big guns sort of cleaning. it was a good purge.
by 9pm the sore throat had kicked in and by 1:30am, as i was heading to bed, i was feverish and pretty certain i had strep.
the rest you know, or can read about in the entries below, but in short, was a strange and uncomfortable purge of my body and spirit. confusion. fever. a few dark days of depression. rage. hurt. those sorts of things.
and then there was vancouver.
and now there is me. here. finding that joy i had hoped to welcome in on january 1st. and while i've had my usual amounts of laughter and fun in the past month and a half, i guess what i'm waking up to in myself today is joy for no reason beyond the fact that i am finally looking forward to the year. that things aren't working out exactly as i would want them in several avenues of my life, but it's not a threat. no drama. simple. all witnessed by calm, collected, and hopeful nathania.
it's nice to be back to myself. the new year can begin.
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after a half day at work today, i'm excited for an afternoon run in the sun filled sky and an evening of more scrubbing dark corners housecleaning, check-book balancing, bill paying, work catching up, organizational sorts of things. getting myself back in order. and tomorrow, another evening free of commitments, tomorrow is for joy. painting. fun. the birds. knitting if i want. that sort of thing.
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