filling the form.

i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know.
what. what to do with restlessness. what to do with paralysis. fear. impatience. loss. anger. faithlessness. justice. hamlet. hamlet. hamlet. stirring up. his ability to finally speak his truth. truth shied away from, manipulated and rejected. i loved ophelia, forty thousand brothers could not, with all their quantity of love, make up my sum! and how he nailed it. after all those other moments he nailed. darragh kennan. well done. how i have an actor's crush on you. and at the same time, such tragic love, while i don't desire that, i do. ask. for. more. more than has been given to me. more than others have had the courage to offer.

so here i am. and where have i gotten myself? what am i doing? why does it always come to this? a fine-toothed examination of all the things i have not done. the people {person} i have not met. {effectively blasting past all the things and connections perhaps i deserve to give myself credit for?} michael caine didn't decide to act until he was 28, so i'm ahead of the game by his schedule. and yet, i am lodged in between fear and inertia and forgetting about this all entirely, jeweled up and jazzed by yet another space that cannot hold me. i am too big. i am too much. again. always. until i figure this thing out with myself and where i am going, i will always. be. too. much. and. yet. never. enough.

i go to hibernate. don't talk to me for a week.





not really.





but really.








and, in an effort to do more than just whine, let me write my list of things i must do in order to facilitate the possibility that i might do more than just shake my fists at the sky and wonder why i am not doing exactly what i want with my life. here are a few things that will help:

join tps.
ask freehold to facilitate a dialogue with tps about accepting meisner grads without two acting credits {perhaps i can scrape up two anyway} for general auditions.
contact annette for coaching
solidify your two monologues
go. to. a. fucking. audition.
practice yoga 3x a week
pray. pray. pray.
breathe.
make a 5 year plan
open a bank account to set aside money to move to new york city someday.

already i feel a little better.



currently listening to: samskeyti - sigur ros {which makes my heart restless and achy even when it already is}