11.27.2010
11.25.2010
{thank{s}taking}
i had a hard time giving thanks tonight sitting in a bath grown cold despite the numerous refills of scalding water. i think i was hitting hour number 3.5 or 4 when my comfort read was done. my skin was cold when i moved against the water. but if i was immoble i didn't notice the lack in temperature and so i just sat. still. temporarily anesthetized but knowing that it's only while the words of someone else's story lingers. but they end. they always do. and i am left to think about how the universe seems to tell me to look closely and pay attention. but while i can see what it's saying i can't make out what it means.
in a one week span late this past summer i learned that three men of varying significance to me had "another woman" in their lives. a man from my past, a man from my present and a man i had hoped might stretch out a while into my future.
and now, the fall has cupped within it a similar story, through a different vein, and i am left to mourn the probable loss of not one, but two amazingly-incredible-resonating!!! friendships that toed the line of more, all the while pushed up against me with generous and full interest, only to flicker out again and dim abruptly, leaving the faint whiff of a dying fire and sincere words of kindness that only somehow make the burn go a little deeper.
so the bath gets colder, the books get their happy endings and even ophelia gets hamlet, despite the fact that the world kept them apart.
and i am left. here. not knowing what to make of the reoccurring themes and only wishing for myself that i could live in emotional abstinence for a while. not care, no matter how sweetly i am asked. not give, no matter how generous my heart feels. just sit a while and steep in solitude and knitting.
so tonight, universe, i give you thanks for the lovely house i have been able to create for myself, thanks for the lovely people who choose to stay in my life, year after year, despite {because of!} the vivid being i am, the fact that today, i gave some poor boy sitting on a cold, frozen cement sidewalk not just that first $1 bill but then a minute later, when driving past, a rolled down window and a line from a movie 'hey kid!' repeated until he turned, took the steps to my car, saw the measly $5 i then passed through the window and gave back at me the soft, surprised words of genuine gratitude and appreciation as though it were a $50. and i am blessed. blessed that i not only have the money to spare $6 but to buy the food i did today, as well as the growth in my spirit and bank account that i can spend $100 without using guilt somehow against myself. gratitude that in my heart, in the face of all my years of heartache and doubts, i know of a secret place i pretend not to believe in that truly knows in that deep internal trust sort of way that this whole wide world is capable of producing one fucking man capable of not being afraid of risking for me. for something. for anything. and eventually for a future. for the life we want to glean from this world and the kids we want to bring into this world. and that will be a scary place. and we will navigate it together. and it will be beautiful as only he and i can see now, apart, and one day we can envision together.
in a one week span late this past summer i learned that three men of varying significance to me had "another woman" in their lives. a man from my past, a man from my present and a man i had hoped might stretch out a while into my future.
and now, the fall has cupped within it a similar story, through a different vein, and i am left to mourn the probable loss of not one, but two amazingly-incredible-resonating!!! friendships that toed the line of more, all the while pushed up against me with generous and full interest, only to flicker out again and dim abruptly, leaving the faint whiff of a dying fire and sincere words of kindness that only somehow make the burn go a little deeper.
so the bath gets colder, the books get their happy endings and even ophelia gets hamlet, despite the fact that the world kept them apart.
and i am left. here. not knowing what to make of the reoccurring themes and only wishing for myself that i could live in emotional abstinence for a while. not care, no matter how sweetly i am asked. not give, no matter how generous my heart feels. just sit a while and steep in solitude and knitting.
so tonight, universe, i give you thanks for the lovely house i have been able to create for myself, thanks for the lovely people who choose to stay in my life, year after year, despite {because of!} the vivid being i am, the fact that today, i gave some poor boy sitting on a cold, frozen cement sidewalk not just that first $1 bill but then a minute later, when driving past, a rolled down window and a line from a movie 'hey kid!' repeated until he turned, took the steps to my car, saw the measly $5 i then passed through the window and gave back at me the soft, surprised words of genuine gratitude and appreciation as though it were a $50. and i am blessed. blessed that i not only have the money to spare $6 but to buy the food i did today, as well as the growth in my spirit and bank account that i can spend $100 without using guilt somehow against myself. gratitude that in my heart, in the face of all my years of heartache and doubts, i know of a secret place i pretend not to believe in that truly knows in that deep internal trust sort of way that this whole wide world is capable of producing one fucking man capable of not being afraid of risking for me. for something. for anything. and eventually for a future. for the life we want to glean from this world and the kids we want to bring into this world. and that will be a scary place. and we will navigate it together. and it will be beautiful as only he and i can see now, apart, and one day we can envision together.
11.24.2010
filling the form.
i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know.
what. what to do with restlessness. what to do with paralysis. fear. impatience. loss. anger. faithlessness. justice. hamlet. hamlet. hamlet. stirring up. his ability to finally speak his truth. truth shied away from, manipulated and rejected. i loved ophelia, forty thousand brothers could not, with all their quantity of love, make up my sum! and how he nailed it. after all those other moments he nailed. darragh kennan. well done. how i have an actor's crush on you. and at the same time, such tragic love, while i don't desire that, i do. ask. for. more. more than has been given to me. more than others have had the courage to offer.
so here i am. and where have i gotten myself? what am i doing? why does it always come to this? a fine-toothed examination of all the things i have not done. the people {person} i have not met. {effectively blasting past all the things and connections perhaps i deserve to give myself credit for?} michael caine didn't decide to act until he was 28, so i'm ahead of the game by his schedule. and yet, i am lodged in between fear and inertia and forgetting about this all entirely, jeweled up and jazzed by yet another space that cannot hold me. i am too big. i am too much. again. always. until i figure this thing out with myself and where i am going, i will always. be. too. much. and. yet. never. enough.
i go to hibernate. don't talk to me for a week.
not really.
but really.
and, in an effort to do more than just whine, let me write my list of things i must do in order to facilitate the possibility that i might do more than just shake my fists at the sky and wonder why i am not doing exactly what i want with my life. here are a few things that will help:
join tps.
ask freehold to facilitate a dialogue with tps about accepting meisner grads without two acting credits {perhaps i can scrape up two anyway} for general auditions.
contact annette for coaching
solidify your two monologues
go. to. a. fucking. audition.
practice yoga 3x a week
pray. pray. pray.
breathe.
make a 5 year plan
open a bank account to set aside money to move to new york city someday.
already i feel a little better.
currently listening to: samskeyti - sigur ros {which makes my heart restless and achy even when it already is}
what. what to do with restlessness. what to do with paralysis. fear. impatience. loss. anger. faithlessness. justice. hamlet. hamlet. hamlet. stirring up. his ability to finally speak his truth. truth shied away from, manipulated and rejected. i loved ophelia, forty thousand brothers could not, with all their quantity of love, make up my sum! and how he nailed it. after all those other moments he nailed. darragh kennan. well done. how i have an actor's crush on you. and at the same time, such tragic love, while i don't desire that, i do. ask. for. more. more than has been given to me. more than others have had the courage to offer.
so here i am. and where have i gotten myself? what am i doing? why does it always come to this? a fine-toothed examination of all the things i have not done. the people {person} i have not met. {effectively blasting past all the things and connections perhaps i deserve to give myself credit for?} michael caine didn't decide to act until he was 28, so i'm ahead of the game by his schedule. and yet, i am lodged in between fear and inertia and forgetting about this all entirely, jeweled up and jazzed by yet another space that cannot hold me. i am too big. i am too much. again. always. until i figure this thing out with myself and where i am going, i will always. be. too. much. and. yet. never. enough.
i go to hibernate. don't talk to me for a week.
not really.
but really.
and, in an effort to do more than just whine, let me write my list of things i must do in order to facilitate the possibility that i might do more than just shake my fists at the sky and wonder why i am not doing exactly what i want with my life. here are a few things that will help:
join tps.
ask freehold to facilitate a dialogue with tps about accepting meisner grads without two acting credits {perhaps i can scrape up two anyway} for general auditions.
contact annette for coaching
solidify your two monologues
go. to. a. fucking. audition.
practice yoga 3x a week
pray. pray. pray.
breathe.
make a 5 year plan
open a bank account to set aside money to move to new york city someday.
already i feel a little better.
currently listening to: samskeyti - sigur ros {which makes my heart restless and achy even when it already is}
11.23.2010
11.22.2010
a week's worth of blue envelopes
i have been immersed in a few things {read: one} in my personal life and have not been documenting the sporadic delivery of my blue envelopes. they have, however, been a continuing delight, heightened by intermittent days of an empty mailbox that alternate with receiving up to four at a time.
this project is a wonderful source of joy and requires a bit of patience as i allow the responses to flow in at their own time.
so, for this week, thank you mike {again}, aunt rebecca, andrew, reid & kat, cris, lauren {who's envelope got a bit turned around when i wrote the address} & raelyn. don't think for a second that i enjoyed your contribution any less for not creating a post immediately.
currently listening to: white flash - modeselektor {featuring thom yorke} - on repeat {currently play count since last night: 45}
this project is a wonderful source of joy and requires a bit of patience as i allow the responses to flow in at their own time.
so, for this week, thank you mike {again}, aunt rebecca, andrew, reid & kat, cris, lauren {who's envelope got a bit turned around when i wrote the address} & raelyn. don't think for a second that i enjoyed your contribution any less for not creating a post immediately.
currently listening to: white flash - modeselektor {featuring thom yorke} - on repeat {currently play count since last night: 45}
11.21.2010
sustainability
sudden silence split seconds into syllables i can't translate.
moments get longer. add up. become ours.
sweet.
silken.
sexy.
serene.
sleep.
certainty. but not.
i am left with no context to understand
though my intuition is speaking while you are quiet.
moments get longer. add up. become ours.
sweet.
silken.
sexy.
serene.
sleep.
certainty. but not.
i am left with no context to understand
though my intuition is speaking while you are quiet.
this is...
11.20.2010
11.16.2010
this is...
11.13.2010
only one today
but such a one as this.
i have opened all of my envelopes and crooned with delight, felt the singeing pang of distance and/or the honor of receiving long hours of planning, labor and craft.
but this is the first to be shaded by a sudden sting behind the eyes.
mike, my very first radiohead friend, thank you.
{sorry, no photo just yet. i was running out the door to a small vacation in lake chelan to give me a well-earned break from my cluttered headspace. r & r here i come.}
i have opened all of my envelopes and crooned with delight, felt the singeing pang of distance and/or the honor of receiving long hours of planning, labor and craft.
but this is the first to be shaded by a sudden sting behind the eyes.
mike, my very first radiohead friend, thank you.
{sorry, no photo just yet. i was running out the door to a small vacation in lake chelan to give me a well-earned break from my cluttered headspace. r & r here i come.}
little lies
despite my best efforts at authentic living, even i find myself inside a lie on occasion, living an untruth that is easier to speak than what is really happening for me. but we've come so far together, spoken so much, you'd think i would be beyond that.
when you asked for the second time are you okay? i wish i had said no, and i don't want to think about why. but yes was easier. yes was "kinder." and yes was completely at odds with what i want for you and for me.
for once two was enough for me and we welcomed the stillness to come cradle us. but you broke into the silence with a new string of words ......one......two......three......that spoke through the okayness i had insisted upon, surprising me with my own grief. and the sad thing is, i have been here before. exactly here, though i still don't know how to honor myself without bruising you. so all i can do is accept those three words you gently handed me. all else aside, they are true and we are true within them.
i love you.
and for now that is enough.
when you asked for the second time are you okay? i wish i had said no, and i don't want to think about why. but yes was easier. yes was "kinder." and yes was completely at odds with what i want for you and for me.
for once two was enough for me and we welcomed the stillness to come cradle us. but you broke into the silence with a new string of words ......one......two......three......that spoke through the okayness i had insisted upon, surprising me with my own grief. and the sad thing is, i have been here before. exactly here, though i still don't know how to honor myself without bruising you. so all i can do is accept those three words you gently handed me. all else aside, they are true and we are true within them.
i love you.
and for now that is enough.
11.12.2010
5 today
today was another trip to the mailbox almost ending in disappointment, until i removed some junk mail and found not only one, gorgeous blue envelope, but one golden yellow ticket saying i had a package with the manager. the box i wasn't expecting had an address written in handwriting i would recognize anywhere and in the box there were not one, but FOUR of these lovely things i wait for daily. i had mailed out enough for a whole family of dear ones to participate in {yes, i am still being vague since there are still several folks who have not received theirs in various countries around the world}.
it made my day. again.thanks, sheree, darling. and thanks michael, vivienne, maija & sofija.
11.11.2010
pizza!
today i outdid myself. what is normally a wonderfully fluffy and herb-filled crust somehow became a fantastically out of this world amazing crust. it rose beyond perfection, and then we ate it, which made it even better. our good friend, dune, is in town and he is the reason all the stops came out with tonight's dinner. pineapple. spinach. fresh basil. sun-dried tomatoes. cheese {some vegan too}. artichoke hearts. fresh made sauce {including balsamic to add tang}. pepperoni....
mmmm....tomorrow's leftovers.
anyone want me to make them a pizza? just come on over.
no mail today
which is sad. even though veterans day does mean more than just a bank and post office holiday {particularly after having spent almost a year working with veterans, helping them to tell their stories and finding my own as a sister of a veteran}. but right now, at this moment, it just means no blue envelopes for me to exclaim over. which is okay i guess, because yesterday i got another two and couldn't even contain my excitement long enough to photograph the front of the envelopes before i tore into them to find out what they contained.
well done, josh and sea-oh. way to make my day two days in a row since i'm currently re-living the beauty as i type.
well done, josh and sea-oh. way to make my day two days in a row since i'm currently re-living the beauty as i type.
11.10.2010
11.09.2010
and then there were two
another good day, but also somehow a little rough. various emotional hangovers. staying in bed until almost 1pm on gchat with my delightful new friend which provided a good reason to procrastinate further on the things that have been weighing me down. refer to emotional hangovers.
so, at 4pm i deliberately went down stairs hoping that there would be more replies while keeping the thought in the back of my mind that i shouldn't be disappointed if there aren't. but even from the outside of the box i could see not one but TWO. i let out a delighted laugh and said "yes! yes!" like a 5th grader that just hit a home run. but this is so much better.
thank you john & chris.
11.08.2010
hell, yes!
1. i made a new friend today. and all the words i used in my previous entry {part #1 was regarding this friend} do not convey how much i've been bouncing around doing the new friend dance since the first email was received at 1:15pm. and when i say "friend" i don't just mean i met a cool person and we're going to hang out {which, sadly, in this case will be delayed since they live one time zone and several states over}, i mean i met another "soul sibling kindred spirit word pursuing truth 'i look forward to learning about the universe that is you, nathania'" sort of friend. so hell, yes.
and
2. i got the first envelope from my birthday project in the mail today. i knew i would. knew it all day. and when i finally got home at 11pm, i walked up to the box and had a short-lived moment of disappointment when it appeared nothing "pool" colored was in the box, but my spirit was rewarded when i reached in and pulled one out that had been hiding in the back. hell, yes.
it had a flower seal on the back and though i wouldn't let myself open it until i got to the sanctuary of my apartment, i did peer at the post mark and was able to make out st. louis, mo.
thanks, georgia.
p.s. i didn't say what was in the envelope nor its color because some of the recipients have not received theirs and i don't want to spoil it.
and
2. i got the first envelope from my birthday project in the mail today. i knew i would. knew it all day. and when i finally got home at 11pm, i walked up to the box and had a short-lived moment of disappointment when it appeared nothing "pool" colored was in the box, but my spirit was rewarded when i reached in and pulled one out that had been hiding in the back. hell, yes.
it had a flower seal on the back and though i wouldn't let myself open it until i got to the sanctuary of my apartment, i did peer at the post mark and was able to make out st. louis, mo.
thanks, georgia.
p.s. i didn't say what was in the envelope nor its color because some of the recipients have not received theirs and i don't want to spoil it.
words pt 2 {or made and missed connections}
t.
i gave you my words yesterday
good and true
spirit-filled words
when all i knew was your name.
and then you gave me your words today
beyond expectation
beyond beautiful
and i am thrilled to find an openness and enthusiasm
i usually only see in the mirror.
and now i sit with hope for more words
written, spoken, and sung words
full of color and meaning
because this is just the beginning.
........................................................................................................
j.
you aren't giving me words right now
because you carry a story you can't share
and as i sat on the shore line
taking photos of joy
i knew your silence passed by me
less than a mile away.
i gave you my words yesterday
good and true
spirit-filled words
when all i knew was your name.
and then you gave me your words today
beyond expectation
beyond beautiful
and i am thrilled to find an openness and enthusiasm
i usually only see in the mirror.
and now i sit with hope for more words
written, spoken, and sung words
full of color and meaning
because this is just the beginning.
........................................................................................................
j.
you aren't giving me words right now
because you carry a story you can't share
and as i sat on the shore line
taking photos of joy
i knew your silence passed by me
less than a mile away.
11.07.2010
words
e.
you gave me your words yesterday
finally
after a year and a half of silence.
and they are graceful, tender things
written on a yellowed page
from under the trees
i am grateful for them
and i am grateful for you
and your infinite spirit and generosity.
.......................................................................................................................................
j.
i couldn't give you my words today
the precious few i even allow myself to utter
they are gentle, hope-filled things
that are waiting for you to come back
in whatever way you can
to the door we both know you didn't close behind you.
.......................................................................................................................................
r.
you spoke words yesterday
quiet, disruptive words
when i had asked for silence.
they tripped me up and lessened me
my moment
and the space that i had asked for
because you aren't listening as much as you think you're trying
and i can't forgive you for it just yet.
.......................................................................................................................................
l.
i heard your words today.
broken, tearful words
shared across space and time zones.
and the gift of your presence warmed me
as i sat
still
and unmoving
with you
as the autumn slowly entered the car chilling the air.
.......................................................................................................................................
a.
you have no words right now
the inertia weighing you down
as i lean over and whisper for the annoying-th time
are you okay?
and i'll give you no more words
because you'd prefer to weather this in silence
but know my heart is with you
each grinding day.
you gave me your words yesterday
finally
after a year and a half of silence.
and they are graceful, tender things
written on a yellowed page
from under the trees
i am grateful for them
and i am grateful for you
and your infinite spirit and generosity.
.......................................................................................................................................
j.
i couldn't give you my words today
the precious few i even allow myself to utter
they are gentle, hope-filled things
that are waiting for you to come back
in whatever way you can
to the door we both know you didn't close behind you.
.......................................................................................................................................
r.
you spoke words yesterday
quiet, disruptive words
when i had asked for silence.
they tripped me up and lessened me
my moment
and the space that i had asked for
because you aren't listening as much as you think you're trying
and i can't forgive you for it just yet.
.......................................................................................................................................
l.
i heard your words today.
broken, tearful words
shared across space and time zones.
and the gift of your presence warmed me
as i sat
still
and unmoving
with you
as the autumn slowly entered the car chilling the air.
.......................................................................................................................................
a.
you have no words right now
the inertia weighing you down
as i lean over and whisper for the annoying-th time
are you okay?
and i'll give you no more words
because you'd prefer to weather this in silence
but know my heart is with you
each grinding day.
11.06.2010
tonight
of course i stayed up till 3am making everything as perfect as not-nearly-enough-time will allow, so it is as perfect as can be. which, for today, is what i am grateful for.
11.04.2010
houses of hope
my hope has taken a little beating recently and has been a little slower to recover than i thought. i guess i am to blame because i keep stringing it along, far far far against my better judgment. but i also know that my hope is an optimistic organ and keeps looking up into the sky through its black and blue eyes.
two nights ago i was a little heavier in spirit {that weird black cloud of a day that came and went without much explanation} so i went to sleep mulling about hope and how to heal it. my thoughts were rewarded as i ended up having a wonderful dream, only a few seconds long, but one in which hope was this perfect new home i was being given.
all day yesterday i mused on the idea of this new house, somehow both warmed yet feeling like i was betraying the home i currently live in that is only just emerging in its full colors. and last night's dream relayed that split: i was offered a spot in a house with three housemates. one of them was my older brother and two other good friends {one of whom is an ex from several years ago}--all were old housemates. but there was this sense of going backwards and the space itself was ugly, carpeted, dark, poorly furnished, much like the house we all lived in together. despite the fact that it made sense financially, my heart was hurting as i made preparations to move in. but at the last minute, i canceled my move out and stayed in my current place and the relief i felt in the dream carried over into waking life as i woke up shortly afterward and was more than relieved to see that i was still in my own darling beautiful home.
between the two nights i am reassured. i am on the right path and the new space for hope that i am being given is the one i am creating a little bit more every day.
yesterday the new and infinitely superior earring holder was finished {thanks to az and his power tools--though i must say i was doing most of the drilling}, today a canvas was hung and the books were further rearranged. tomorrow is the first thorough housecleaning and saturday the second gathering of folks since i moved in.
yes, the two of us are a pretty content pair for now and i have so much gratitude for my ability to afford to live alone and in such a lovely environment. thank you, universe, for your abundant gifts. i welcome the hope that i find here.
two nights ago i was a little heavier in spirit {that weird black cloud of a day that came and went without much explanation} so i went to sleep mulling about hope and how to heal it. my thoughts were rewarded as i ended up having a wonderful dream, only a few seconds long, but one in which hope was this perfect new home i was being given.
all day yesterday i mused on the idea of this new house, somehow both warmed yet feeling like i was betraying the home i currently live in that is only just emerging in its full colors. and last night's dream relayed that split: i was offered a spot in a house with three housemates. one of them was my older brother and two other good friends {one of whom is an ex from several years ago}--all were old housemates. but there was this sense of going backwards and the space itself was ugly, carpeted, dark, poorly furnished, much like the house we all lived in together. despite the fact that it made sense financially, my heart was hurting as i made preparations to move in. but at the last minute, i canceled my move out and stayed in my current place and the relief i felt in the dream carried over into waking life as i woke up shortly afterward and was more than relieved to see that i was still in my own darling beautiful home.
between the two nights i am reassured. i am on the right path and the new space for hope that i am being given is the one i am creating a little bit more every day.
yesterday the new and infinitely superior earring holder was finished {thanks to az and his power tools--though i must say i was doing most of the drilling}, today a canvas was hung and the books were further rearranged. tomorrow is the first thorough housecleaning and saturday the second gathering of folks since i moved in.
yes, the two of us are a pretty content pair for now and i have so much gratitude for my ability to afford to live alone and in such a lovely environment. thank you, universe, for your abundant gifts. i welcome the hope that i find here.
11.03.2010
singing lessons
okay, so because i think singing is the *last* art i could ever participate in, i am going to deliberately walk into my fears and take some singing lessons.
this is terrifying.
and because i have been taking myself too seriously lately, i thought i would put myself out there a little more and record myself singing and then SHARE it. i spent over an hour trying to get the perfect clip of me singing a sunday smile, but i think i like this one because of how imperfect it is and how much i need to stretch into and own myself in imperfect spaces.
so i am working on being okay with an unflattering angle on my face, shy run-on jabber, a hiccup in the first measure or two that forced me to restart AND, most preciously, a hilarious ending that could never be faked. so, enjoy.
this is terrifying.
and because i have been taking myself too seriously lately, i thought i would put myself out there a little more and record myself singing and then SHARE it. i spent over an hour trying to get the perfect clip of me singing a sunday smile, but i think i like this one because of how imperfect it is and how much i need to stretch into and own myself in imperfect spaces.
so i am working on being okay with an unflattering angle on my face, shy run-on jabber, a hiccup in the first measure or two that forced me to restart AND, most preciously, a hilarious ending that could never be faked. so, enjoy.
bird play
indian summer returns
11.02.2010
a long overdue airing out
i've been followed around by a cloud today. a little black one that just hovers over my right shoulder tripping me up and keeping me down. i have good days and bad days all the time, but this was weird because it felt like a black day. dark and paralyzing. waiting to get into a car accident or for bad news to be delivered and feeling the pressure of my own hand holding me down. this is my doing, i just don't know how. or why.
strangely it's coming at the heels of yesterday which was was a big day but a good day. i finally got into the mail a project that i have been working on voraciously for the past week straight {if not more}. a good, life and color breathing project that i was proud to send off into the world, anxious and hopeful for what i might get back. and it was a rare moment of daring. of so clearly laying out my desire to connect to a good many special people in my life and perhaps it's just a scary thing to be sitting in this purgatory of silence. silence because they haven't arrived yet.
anyway, there has been a little fall in the spirits today. a little crash after such a peak. perhaps i can discount it as that.
or not.
this seems a little darker.
hmm....{digging deeper}
all last night i was aware that i was avoided posting about how the artist's way meeting went for me so maybe it's that?
sigh. i guess i'll go into it...
last artist's way session was a rough one in that one of the activities we did specifically addressed the moment i described in my "chapter 7" post regarding the painful silence i experienced after the meisner showcase. after performing a rather risky part in front of so many important people in my life, all i received in return was silence. no words of encouragement or even honoring how far i'd come since the last piece of mine many of them had seen. the piece could have {did?} suck but there was still room for "wow, that was a risky part playing a whore who's been molested by her father. way to be daring." or "congrats on all the hard work." or SOMETHING besides silence. {fuck. here we go again. ugh.}
so the questions were along the lines of: name an artistic scar. how did the experience impact me? what did the experience tell me? what else could have been the truth about it? what do i say about it now?
and then we were asked to share if we wanted. which i did. because it's one thing to write about it here, in this space, behind the veil of technology, or even free-write about it in the room with others off in their space and another thing entirely to put to voice the shame, the thick, viscous shame that welled up in me in the telling. failure it taunted. failure.
it was incredible to tell the story and not be met with more silence {i've mentioned it a few times to those attending and only received a huh. in reply} but with champions who validated my experience, who stood up for the right i had to hear something, anything, even gentle constructive criticism or at least the best spin on a bad situation like "wow, that was a risky role" or "that was much heavier subject matter than i expected." or just something that acknowledged the role of witness to my presentation.
and the heart ached and the tears came. finally. a year and a half later. and i guess perhaps today was just about clearing out some of that baggage i've been holding on to for that long. the paralyzing humiliation of failure.
i liked the last two questions: what else could have been the truth about it? and what do i say about it now?
the first is a hard one. i don't want to accept any other truth beyond failure. nor do i find in myself the strength to look the silent ones in the eye and ask how was it? but at least a voice is given to the small possibility that the silence was just a product of thoughtfulness, or even just out of respect to the vulnerability of the piece {much like many readers here have confessed in person that they feel any comments intrudes upon my space here}. i don't know. i am still at the stage where i'm bullying out any positive thoughts about the situation more effectively than the mean kid in sixth grade.
but the second question is a bit easier and one i do have enough perspective on: what do i say about it now? whether or not the piece and presentation was a failure, it was simply a stepping stone. it was one act at the end of an enormous amount of personal growth and in no way is burdened with the responsibility to reflect that growth NOR does it reflect whether or not i have any talent or ability as an actor. we were not directed for the sake of presentation, we were guided by a teacher toward authenticity. this was just one moment in time. one step.
now let me take the next one, whatever that is. even a small one.
and in the meantime, let it no longer matter that the one person who did comment might be too emotional or sappy or whatever i want to use to cut her down to get at myself and that all that matters is her truth which was that i made her cry. and that's something, even as begrudgingly as i'll believe it at this moment.
currently listening to: burial -- forgive on repeat.
strangely it's coming at the heels of yesterday which was was a big day but a good day. i finally got into the mail a project that i have been working on voraciously for the past week straight {if not more}. a good, life and color breathing project that i was proud to send off into the world, anxious and hopeful for what i might get back. and it was a rare moment of daring. of so clearly laying out my desire to connect to a good many special people in my life and perhaps it's just a scary thing to be sitting in this purgatory of silence. silence because they haven't arrived yet.
anyway, there has been a little fall in the spirits today. a little crash after such a peak. perhaps i can discount it as that.
or not.
this seems a little darker.
hmm....{digging deeper}
all last night i was aware that i was avoided posting about how the artist's way meeting went for me so maybe it's that?
sigh. i guess i'll go into it...
last artist's way session was a rough one in that one of the activities we did specifically addressed the moment i described in my "chapter 7" post regarding the painful silence i experienced after the meisner showcase. after performing a rather risky part in front of so many important people in my life, all i received in return was silence. no words of encouragement or even honoring how far i'd come since the last piece of mine many of them had seen. the piece could have {did?} suck but there was still room for "wow, that was a risky part playing a whore who's been molested by her father. way to be daring." or "congrats on all the hard work." or SOMETHING besides silence. {fuck. here we go again. ugh.}
so the questions were along the lines of: name an artistic scar. how did the experience impact me? what did the experience tell me? what else could have been the truth about it? what do i say about it now?
and then we were asked to share if we wanted. which i did. because it's one thing to write about it here, in this space, behind the veil of technology, or even free-write about it in the room with others off in their space and another thing entirely to put to voice the shame, the thick, viscous shame that welled up in me in the telling. failure it taunted. failure.
it was incredible to tell the story and not be met with more silence {i've mentioned it a few times to those attending and only received a huh. in reply} but with champions who validated my experience, who stood up for the right i had to hear something, anything, even gentle constructive criticism or at least the best spin on a bad situation like "wow, that was a risky role" or "that was much heavier subject matter than i expected." or just something that acknowledged the role of witness to my presentation.
and the heart ached and the tears came. finally. a year and a half later. and i guess perhaps today was just about clearing out some of that baggage i've been holding on to for that long. the paralyzing humiliation of failure.
i liked the last two questions: what else could have been the truth about it? and what do i say about it now?
the first is a hard one. i don't want to accept any other truth beyond failure. nor do i find in myself the strength to look the silent ones in the eye and ask how was it? but at least a voice is given to the small possibility that the silence was just a product of thoughtfulness, or even just out of respect to the vulnerability of the piece {much like many readers here have confessed in person that they feel any comments intrudes upon my space here}. i don't know. i am still at the stage where i'm bullying out any positive thoughts about the situation more effectively than the mean kid in sixth grade.
but the second question is a bit easier and one i do have enough perspective on: what do i say about it now? whether or not the piece and presentation was a failure, it was simply a stepping stone. it was one act at the end of an enormous amount of personal growth and in no way is burdened with the responsibility to reflect that growth NOR does it reflect whether or not i have any talent or ability as an actor. we were not directed for the sake of presentation, we were guided by a teacher toward authenticity. this was just one moment in time. one step.
now let me take the next one, whatever that is. even a small one.
and in the meantime, let it no longer matter that the one person who did comment might be too emotional or sappy or whatever i want to use to cut her down to get at myself and that all that matters is her truth which was that i made her cry. and that's something, even as begrudgingly as i'll believe it at this moment.
currently listening to: burial -- forgive on repeat.
11.01.2010
$50 luxuries
it's killing me that my favorite boutique has a location in my neighborhood, but not so much that i don't keep going in and finding these lovely bits of handmade earringness that simply must be taken home.
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