cages {redux}

so, a comment left about the first cages post {here} received a comment from a friend across the pond which finally got a response tonight. and i thought the dialogue warranted it's own post so here we are {and, i hope the connection between the posts and comments are clear}:

marcus said...

"...my life is absorbed by this trash and yet i get so much enjoyment out of it.."

Made me smile, TB is the perfect example of enjoyable trash. And sometimes that's OK, at least we don't watch X Factor ;)

There's only two things I've ever watched on TV, with any commitment - Actually, unlike you I own one, but don't use it, both shows are from TV but watched on DVD - Sopranos and Dexter.

TB is certainly 'sillier' than these, but y'know... The way my weeks have been going, silly is good. I feel a bit like I do after junk food though, buzzing but wandering what real food tastes like... And as it's an Alan Ball creation, it's a shame it wasn't a little grittier, darker (I know it's about vampires and monsters and blood! But it's a very teenage girl type of 'dark' IMO).

Anyways, hope the recovery is quick... And if you want something to make you think/throw the remote at the telly/the mouse at the computer, at least start by Googling John From Cincinnati - clever, weird, deep... Possibly ;)

and my response to him is:

okay, so two months late, but here's my response to your lovely comment, marcus:

there is a particular quality to this trash that sucks me in and makes me feel like that ugly worthless teenager i somewhere deep still cling to on bad days.

i know i've been ranting and raving for days on how mad i am at thom yorke for composing a song for the most recent twilight film when he's so vocal about his morals, etc, but really, all that foot stomping and fist shaking on my part is just because those movies scare me and i haven't seen either. they terrify and attract me in the same way fashion magazines push and pull me. i look at the movie posters and i see this carefully constructed reality consisting of beautiful people--flawless from their airbrushed faces to the designer clad feet--and there is this overlapping message of desire that is just screaming at me how unlike them i am, either the characters or the actors they've chosen to portray them.

and that makes me feel worthless.

or rather, it's just an opportunity for all of my insecurities as a person and as an aspiring film actor to parade around with trumpets and tubas and announce their presence in my psyche.

so, i'm afraid of those movies and stories like twilight and true blood that pull me in so much i lose a bit or even a lot of myself to the story. and it's a common response i have to all the adventure stories i submerge myself be it a vampire story or a kids book.

and also sad I'M not in a movie thom yorke is writing a song for.

sheesh. so that's the embarrassing truth about it.

and, i do appreciate your encouragement, marcus, and recognize the need and times to relax and zone out and just be absorbed, but i hope that i can find things that are somehow nathania affirming, like a good book in a bath or a lovely walk or an evening spent writing emails or blogging or plunking around on the keyboard, not stories that spit me out on the other side as a piece of un-confident goop.

currently listening to: thom yorke - hearing damage {the song from the most recent twilight film that i had to have a friend email me because i didn't want to buy the album and have the faces of the actor stare out at me from the cover of the cd case}